Numb

I can now add a tally mark next to yet another category in my IF journey:

Miscarriage: 1

The past few days have been... nerve-wracking. I finally got my call-back Friday afternoon, a little before 4:00. The news was mostly good: my HCG was high (in the 50s) but my progesterone was a little lower than they wanted. The nurse said to up my dose of PIO from 1.0 to 1.5 ml per day and return for beta #2 on Monday.

The news left me feeling... terrified. I wanted to be happy and excited and relieved, but I just wasn't. Saturday I bought I two-pack of home pregnancy tests. My thinking was that I could test myself in between each beta to help calm my nerves and feel reassured that it was real. I did one yesterday (Sunday) and instead of feeling calm and reassured, I felt panic. It was a plus sign, but only a very faint one. I spent the rest of the day trying to convince myself that it was a) a crappy, store-brand test, and b) probably too early still for a home test.

Then I woke up this morning and there was spotting. Only a tiny bit, but enough that I was worried. I had my blood draw and asked to speak with one of the nurses afterwards. I was getting low on some of my drugs and had actually run out of the PIO Sunday night as a result of the increased dose, so I mainly wanted to ask if they could try to call me with results sooner rather than later so I would know if I needed to order more. She promised to call as soon as the results were in so I could contact the pharmacy.

The spotting stopped but all day I felt uneasy. Then at 2:42 pm my phone rang while I was in a work meeting. I knew the second I heard the nurse's voice that it wasn't good news. My HCG was down to 15 or so. I was/am losing it. A so-called "biochemical pregnancy." A pregnancy that never was. But unlike an FET that just didn't take, this one tried. There was something there, if only for a brief moment. And now it's gone. And I feel like another hole has been punctured in my heart.