In Search of Healthy

Our next attempted FET will be sometime in January 2016. Still no date but it'll be roughly 2-2.5 months. It feels like a really long time. Part of me wants to call the clinic and ask for a December date. But then I remember how stressful the holidays were last year (we were remodeling) and the fact that I'll be GRADUATING with my Master's degree next month... and I realize that I really just want to relax and celebrate with family and NOT worry about when to take what medication or having to sneak away to stab myself with yet another needle.

But I also don't like feeling like I'm doing nothing, so I've decided to make it my mission to become the healthiest version of me that I can in these next 2-2.5 months. And I do mean healthy in all respects (physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially). It's nothing earth shattering. These are goals I've had - and successfully maintained - in the past. But I feel like I've really let it all slip in recent weeks:

• I've been eating like crap and not doing any meal planning, which sucks. Constantly going grocery shopping and figuring out what to do for dinner all the time is a major source of stress for me, especially during the work week. Not only does our budget suffer as a result, but I wind up making poor food choices. For me, meal planning = healthy both physically and financially.
• I've stopped working out. I was working out some before the transfer, but then they tell you not to while you're waiting for your beta. After the BFN, I just never really got around to starting up again. I need physical activity to become more ingrained in my daily routine. If it's part of a routine then I'll do it. If not, I'll always sacrifice it in lieu of chores, sitting on the couch, sleeping, and of course spending time with my son. It's hard to have an actual consistent routine with the schedule we follow due to my husband's work, but I need to try. Most likely this will mean getting stricter about going to bed on time so I can get up earlier. I do know that a consistent sleep schedule is huge for me, so between that and squeezing in short workouts here and there, I hope to improve both physical and mental health.
• I've denied myself quality "me" time to decompress. This hard because right now, I'm feeling very selfish about the time I'm spending writing papers for my capstone project and/or going to class. I'm feeling guilty about the occasional late hours I've had to put in at the office, particularly now that some co-workers are on maternity leave and the rest of us are trying to cover. And I feel like a real jerk if I'm home with P and N and all I want to do is hide in the bathtub with a glass of wine and a book. On the other hand, I've been grouchy and impatient and snappish with both P and N. I've yelled at N more than I care to admit (yes, he's 2 months shy of turning 3 and I know I'm not the first mom to struggle with this age). I've also picked silly fights with P about non-issues, which isn't cool. So I know this means that in order to be a better wife and mom, I really do need to find some time just for me. It doesn't have to be long and it doesn't have to be every single day, but I need to find some pockets of time when I can just go for a walk with the dog or get a massage or call a friend. This critical for my mental and emotional health. 

So there you go. Like I said, nothing too crazy. I know all of this. But now I have a goal. I really do want to be in a better place when it's time for this next transfer, and the only way to achieve that is to take it a step at a time. One day at a time.

September

Every year, September is our busy month. Like, REALLY busy. For starters, there's P's birthday on the first, which often coincides with Labor Day weekend. The weekend after Labor Day is the local fair and demolition derby, which we always attend with my in-laws. Somewhere in there (the 12th) is my MIL's birthday as well. The third weekend in September is our little town's annual weekend fall festival, which is basically a mini fair. And last but not least, our anniversary is the 27th and my FIL's birthday is the 28th.

This year we also had 2 weddings to attend the first part of the month. A friend of mine from college got married over Labor Day weekend, which involved me flying to Virginia. Then this past weekend my office-mate got married in Iowa; we were at least able to drive to this one, but had to rush home Sunday in order to get to the fair in time for the derby.

And as if that weren't enough already, this year September also includes 1) N starting preschool, 2) me starting my final class for my Master's degree, and 3) our first FET cycle. That's pretty much the definition of insanity. Oh, AND we're still trying to finish the bathroom remodel that began in June but has stretched on for nearly 3 months now. Have I mentioned that it's basically impossible to potty train when the only toilet in the house is in the basement?

As I was reading through my treatment schedule for the FET, I came across the following instructions:

"Avoiding stress can only improve your cycle. The treatment you will be under is stressful enough. Do not start any big projects at this time­ at work or at home. Now is the time to be kind to yourselves."

Oops. Well... there's not much I can do about the timing of all of this (other than if we decided to just postpone the FET all together) so instead I'll be doing whatever I can to minimize/manage the stress as it comes. Transfer day is exactly 3 weeks from today, so between now and then my hope is to 1) eat as much of a whole foods diet as I can while 2) still allowing myself the occasional frozen custard treat, 3) schedule a weekly acupuncture session, 4) schedule a weekly massage, 5) go for at least one 20 minute walk per day, 6) do the yoga and pilates workouts from my exercise DVDs 3-4 times per week, and 7) get back on a sleep schedule.

I don't know how realistic all of that is, and even just typing it out I already feel like it's too much. But I do think it's helpful to have pre-identified ways to manage the stress. And I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't do ALL of the above. At the same time, I'm going to have to actually set aside time each day do accomplish any of it. Many of these are things I should be doing anyway, it's just that for the next few weeks, I need to make them a priority so I can be in good shape (mentally, physically, emotionally) for this FET.


On that note, time to put away the electronic devices so I can start winding down for bed...

Looking Back, Looking Forward

It may be a cliche, but New Year's does tend to put me in a reflective mood. Every year when I'm designing our Christmas cards online, I enjoy looking through pictures taken over the course of the year and thinking about all the memories we made. I'd say 2014 was a pretty good year, although certainly with some ups and downs:

• January we celebrated Nathan's first birthday (and marveled to ourselves that we had survived a whole year of being 100% responsible for another human being!)
• February we took my husband's parents and sister on a little getaway trip, and later that month Nathan took his first real steps.
• March was a busy month of continuing education coursework for my husband; thankfully, my mom was able to come and stay with us some to help out with the crazy schedules.
• April was Nathan's second Easter which he and I spent with my father-in-law's side of the family (my husband had to work). Sadly that was the last time Nathan saw his Great-Grandma Portia as she passed away the following month. I also officially began a new position with my office in April.
• May was a bit of a whirlwind of more classes for Paul, trying to start the process of renovating our house, and his grandmother's funeral.
• June we took our first vacation with just our little family (all previous trips had been with one set of grandparents or the other). We went to Hilton Head Island in South Carolina and enjoyed a wonderful week together. Nathan loved the ocean.
• July was filled with typical summer-type activities: picnics and fireworks and trips to the water park, splash pad, and zoo.
• August we made time for a quick trip to my hometown downstate for a family reunion and to visit my good friend AJ and her husband to meet their baby boy (they're fellow IF survivors).
• September was an insanely busy month... my brother came for a visit, then my mom arrived to stay with Nathan while Paul and I had a short getaway which ended with us driving back downstate for the funeral of my great-grandmother "Gramy" (Nathan's great-great-grandma who was 103!). In addition to that we had all the usual activities that September brings, like the local fair and demolition derby, various family birthdays, and our anniversary.
• October kept up the momentum with adventures to the apple orchard and pumpkin farm, a work trip for me to Dallas, and then a 10-day trip to visit my parents (which included my mom's 60th birthday surprise extravaganza and Halloween).
• November seemed like it might be slower but that's when things finally started happening with the renovation. We literally spent half of Thanksgiving ripping up carpet.
• December was both the shortest and the longest month of the year (or so it seemed). It definitely didn't feel like there were enough days in the month (or hours in each day) to do everything we needed to do. With all the stress and chaos of living in a renovation zone with a toddler and no kitchen, it didn't always feel like the holiday season. But we ended on a positive note with a nearly-finished new kitchen, a 3 day trip to spend Christmas with my mom's family, and plenty of gifts under the tree for all.

So now here we are... 2015. Nathan will be turning 2 in just 3 weeks and I can hardly believe it. Last year I started the habit of setting mini goals for each month. As the year wore on and the months became busier, I didn't always do a great job of setting, keeping, or writing about them. But now that the new year has arrived, it seems appropriate to think about reinstating that habit. I'm not sure yet what format I'll follow. But I've been doing some thinking and I've decided I want to focus (at least for the first part of the year) on mini goals in 3 main categories:

1. Relationships. There are some (like with my husband - I'll have to expand on that more in another post) that could use some work. There are others that are evolving (like with my son) or that will soon change drastically (like with my best friend who is probably moving several states away soon). I need to set some goals for myself in terms of how I should behave or things I need to do to nurture these relationships.
2. Finances. I want to revisit the concept of a monthly budget for our family. I'd also like to develop some other goals (both long and short term) for us in terms of what we do with our money and how.
3. Stress & self-care. This might end up splitting into a couple of areas. One component is definitely health and fitness; but whereas last year's fitness goals were geared more towards weight loss, I think that this year's will be more focused on using exercise and nutrition (and other aspects of wellness) to manage stress and overall health, including mental health! Another component of this will probably encompass home organization and work-life balance stuff.

So there you have it. My 2014 year-in-review and a brief glimpse ahead into what I hope to achieve (or at least strive for) in 2015. Happy New Year to all, and to all a Good Night!

157.2

I know it's been a while since I posted on it and I'm WAY overdue for an update on all my mini-goals, but for now I just want to say... I am OFFICIALLY 3.5(ish) pounds UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight (not pre-fertility treatments weight, but I'll take it!).

Seriously. I'm kind of amazed. I've lost just over 20 pounds since I started getting serious about it in February. I honestly didn't think I would be this far already. I mean, I haven't seen the 150s since April 2012! At this rate, I feel like I might even dip into the 140s by the end of 2014 (140 is sort of my "ideal" goal weight).

Even better than the number on the scale is the fact that people are NOTICING. I've been getting 1-2 comments a week lately (from different people... not the same person repeatedly) and it is such a mood booster. Not only that, but I am fitting into sizes and clothing I haven't looked at in over 2 years. I'm down 2 full pant sizes (and nearly ready to drop a 3rd) since February. Shirts that I was kind of nervous about being too tight for work are now starting to be too loose. I actually need to go shopping for some stuff that fits (I gave away a lot of things to Goodwill thinking it would be years - if ever - before I would fit into any of it again... oops!).

Looking back, I attribute my progress to 3 key things:

1. Calorie-counting. Yup. I hate to admit it, but that was really the turning point. After years of resisting that method of portion control, I finally gave it a try and realized I was way off base in my "estimations" of portion and serving size. I actually haven't been tracking calories all that much lately (in MFP that is) but I think it's served it's purpose, which was to re-train my brain to pay more attention to that stuff to begin with.
2. Beach Body programs. My husband and I had been doing one of them on and off for a couple of months and liked it, but found the workouts way too long. If we didn't have time for a full-length one, we just wouldn't do any. Now we've switched to a different program that has much shorter workouts. I love it. It's challenging and some of the workouts are pretty intense, but the overall idea feels much more manageable.
3. My Fitbit. I love it. I've become so much more aware of how active I am from day to day, which has really helped me make adjustments to my calorie intake as needed. 

As I said, I'm overdue for a much longer update, but I just weighed myself and was so excited I had to post about it!

Mornings

I've never been a morning person, but lately I've been thinking a lot about trying to become one. I don't mean the obnoxious, bounce-out-of-bed, full-of-energy kind. I could never be THAT person. But I do think there's something to be said for getting a head start on the day. And not only that, but mornings just might present an opportunity to grab a little peace and uninterrupted "me" time.

Things I could do if I just got myself out of bed 30-45 minutes earlier each morning:

• Drink my coffee while sitting and reading or watching a bit of the news
• Squeeze in a mini workout (a short walk or weights or stretching)
• Make and eat breakfast (that does not come in the shape of a granola bar)
• Pack my lunch for work
• Organize my day (to-do list for Paul, grocery list, dinner prep, errands to be run)
• BLOG!

Obviously I couldn't do all of these every morning, but currently I'm rarely, if ever, doing any of them in the morning. I drink my coffee while getting ready, my workout gets pushed until evening (when I'm often too tired to put much effort into it), I eat my granola bar in the car on the way to work (or buy something at work... bad for the budget), my lunch doesn't get packed (even when I have stuff on hand to pack for it), there's a hasty daily scramble to sort out what needs to be done, and my blog is often last on my priority list.

On the rare occasions when I've successfully gotten up early and been able to score some "me" time, I've really enjoyed it. I think back to when I was still getting up for an early morning nursing session, which often seemed to occur just a bit earlier than when I actually needed to be up. I always felt better, more relaxed, and more prepared for my day when I just stayed up afterwards rather than crawling back into bed and sleeping poorly for another 30 minutes or so.

And speaking of sleep, I've also been thinking more about getting back on a regular sleep schedule myself. I had one before (before pregnancy and then having a newborn threw it out the window), and now that Nathan is sleeping all night and getting up more or less around the same time each day, I think it's time I reinstated that schedule. There's been a lot of research about the impact of sleep on adults, and in particular not just about how much sleep you get but whether that sleep is always happening around the same time each night. There's a lot of evidence to suggest that going to bed and getting up at consistent times has a HUGE impact on a lot of other health factors, including weight loss.

All this to say, I have a couple of new mini-goals for the next month:

1. Implement a going-to-bed routine for me (turning off electronics and starting a wind-down period about 30 minutes before bedtime).
2. Actually GO to bed around the same time (+/- 15 minutes) each night. My target time to start with will be 10:00 p.m.
3. Make myself get up between 5-5:30 most mornings during the week. I don't always have to be up this early for work (particularly if it's a work-from-home day) but I want to aim for the same, consistent sleep interval each night. And getting up before I need to be up will allow me to accomplish some of the things I'd like to have time for in the morning.

I have some other ideas/mini-goals around this I'd like to try eventually, but for now I'll start with this and see how it goes. As for updates on my other mini-goals from last month and going forward, I'll try to write about those one morning this week when I actually get up early enough to BLOG for a bit before starting my day! :)

I Wore a Bikini to the Beach... And I Ran a 5K

Just to clarify, I did not wear a bikini while running a 5K on the beach... those were two separate events. I just am really proud/happy of both recent accomplishments and I couldn't come up with a better title for this post!

So where to start? Life has been out-of-control crazy the past couple of months. I've managed a quick post here and there, but haven't really had the time or energy to go into detail. I don't really like to dwell on negative things, so I won't get into all the nitty-gritty right now. But here are the highlights (or maybe they would be low-lights?):

• We have to do some sort of home renovations this summer because we have to replace our roof (this is not optional - we cannot put it off any longer). The roof project is also tied to a couple of other things that are on either the "needs to be done" or "would really, really like to be done" list, so the whole thing is kind of snow-balling. Unfortunately, we have to take out a loan to do this because it wasn't supposed to be in our budget for another couple of years. Fine, whatever. The bad news is that no one is doing new construction loans anymore - the financial crisis sort of made those all disappear. And we won't be able to get a personal loan large enough to cover the cost of the whole project. So now we're caught between a rock and a hard place, so I'm not really sure what is going to happen. I knew the renovations would be stressful (we've been through this on a smaller scale already), but they haven't event started and we're already stressed out.
• Paul's grandmother on his dad's side passed away rather suddenly a couple of weeks ago. She was in her 90's and not in super great health, but it was still unexpected. His dad's family is not very close-knit and I've never understood their family dynamics. They're just not warm people. They did have a very small, private service (family only) at the cemetery where her remains (she was cremated) were buried. In spite of the awkward emotions, it was a tough thing for my husband. He now has no biological grandparents left (the people he calls "Grandma" and "Grandpa" on his mom's side are actually his aunt and her husband). He also didn't get to see his grandma or say goodbye, so I know that weighs heavily on him.
• Nathan was sick for practically the entire month of May, resulting in a lot of sleepless nights, juggling of childcare arrangements, and frustration. He started out with what seemed like just a cold (snot, sneezing, congestion) and wound up with me sitting in a convenient care clinic the Friday before Memorial Day weekend waiting for x-ray results to hopefully rule out pneumonia. The x-ray was negative (thankfully) but he did have some bronchiolitis (inflammation of his airways) which explained the violent and persistent cough he had developed. As a result, we started him on a short course of oral steroids and breathing treatments with a nebulizer; there was also a minor ear infection, but the doctor and I decided to hold off on treating that (it was really very minor and I'm pretty cautious about over-use of antibiotics). Now two weeks later, the ear infection seems to have resolved just fine on its own, he is done with the steroids, and we are trying to wean off the breathing treatments. If you've never tried to treat a toddler with a nebulizer... I do NOT recommend it. Thank goodness for Baby Einstein videos...
• Paul got into a minor fender bender a week ago. No one was hurt and the damage to his truck is minor and he can fix it himself. Unfortunately, this will impact our auto insurance rates which had just finally gone back down from another accident about 3 years ago. UGH.

With all the above in addition to the usual stress of learning a new job, being a parent of a toddler, keeping up with house chores and other adult responsibilities, and trying to find time for our marriage (not to mention time for me alone)... I definitely haven't been keeping up with my mini-goals. In fact, I never even got around to reviewing them last month and setting new ones. Fail. But I do still think it's important and I would really like to give it another shot this month.

The mini-goals I set in April seemed pretty reasonable at the time, but then life interfered in ways I couldn't have predicted or prevented. Priorities and expectations had to shift. But that's the great thing about mini-goals, right? Sometimes you have to take a step back, re-evaluate, and redirect if needed. Previously I tried to be very specific about certain goals, but what I've learned so far is that this is more about changing behaviors and creating new habits. It's fine to be specific in order to give examples, but I actually do better with more general goals that can be accomplished a variety of ways. So here's where I'm headed (hopefully) in the next 30 days:

1. Fitness. Previous fitness goals were about working out a set number of days per week. This was fine to get started, but the overall goal I'm working towards here is living a more active lifestyle. I found myself getting frustrated on the weekends when household chores, time with Nathan, and the rare (but necessary!) social engagements seemed to always complete with working out. As a result, I was forcing myself to squeeze all 5 workouts into the work week, which is not a sustainable habit for me. My new fitness goal is much looser: for the next 30 days, I want to achieve a more active lifestyle. I am getting a FitBit as a birthday present, so I will be better able to monitor my activity level and can hopefully give myself a break on those days when I choose chasing a toddler around or doing yard work over a "legitimate" workout :) I will continue to squeeze in workouts when I can, but I'm not going to stress about it. I would like to do 1-2 strength-based workouts a week, and I would like to do some cardio 3-4 days a week, but I'm not going to beat myself up if it doesn't always happen. I've made progress and I know this. I wore a freaking bikini to the beach on my vacation, which is not something I would have done even a few months ago. I also trained for and ran a 5K (this morning actually), which isn't something I particularly enjoyed (I hate running) but again, I wouldn't have been able to do that just a few months ago. I may not be at my goal weight yet, but I'm down 2 clothing sizes and I'm more toned than I've been in a long time. I can do this.
2. Healthy eating. I had 3 goals in this area last time and the only one I achieved was the detox. Oops. The MFP tracking has been hit or miss and I'm starting to think it's time to adjust how I use it. I've learned a lot about portion control and that, for me, is the key issue/behavior that needed to change. I also know that I need some balance in this area - I don't want it to become an obsession. I think the best thing for me to do going forward is to use MFP as a guide to get my day off on the right foot (e.g. track my intake for breakfast, lunch, snacks, and cardio) but not necessarily obsess over entering every recipe I make for dinner so I can accurately measure out amounts. Likewise if I'm somewhere that tracking isn't really feasible (like a birthday BBQ or a church event), I won't stress about it. I'll just trust that my instincts have improved and I'm able to choose reasonable portions. I do, however, intend to get back on the bandwagon with meal planning and prep. This is important not just from a physical health perspective, but from a time management and financial perspective as well.
3. Education and Organization. I'm putting both of these on hold temporarily. I will reinstate these mini-goals eventually, but neither is very realistic for the present. Rather than set more mini-goals and fail to achieve them (again), I'm going to just pause and we'll get back to these once we have the home renovations sorted out and once my new job settles down a bit ;)
4. Finances. Well this is all kind of a mess, thanks to the loan problems. We have been working on the renovation budget and estimates, so technically I did meet those goals. Unfortunately, since so much of that is out of my control, I'm going to have to readjust for the next 30 days. I'm actually going to reinstate some mini-goals from a previous month, including: 1) eat out a maximum of 3 times, 2) set aside cash for weekly expenses, and 3) reconfigure how our paychecks are split for direct deposit into various checking and savings accounts. Paul and I both got raises recently, so I need to evaluate what is coming in, when, and where it all goes.

So that's it for now - that is what I'm going to shoot for over the next 30 days. I just returned from vacation (will do another post about that) and I'm feeling more or less refreshed and ready to get back on track! 

So... Where Was I?

Sometimes life just happens and you have no choice but to roll with it. My last post was 2 weeks ago (March 31) and my grandmother was undergoing a heart catheterization at the time to further evaluate her congestive heart failure and narrow down the treatment options; they discovered an artery that was 85% blocked and needed a stent. On April 3 she had an endoscopy to check for signs of internal bleeding that could raise her risk level if she were to have the stent placed (therefore requiring blood thinner). Within a couple hours of the endoscopy, she was taken by ambulance to the local hospital in acute respiratory distress; she was intubated and then transported by ambulance (they wanted to airlift but weather was bad) to another hospital in a larger city where her cardiologist's team resides. I left work around 3 pm, drove home, picked up a suitcase that Paul had packed for me, and drove 3 hours south to meet my uncles at the hospital. My mom is Grandma's medical power of attorney, but she lives several states away and couldn't get a flight out until the next morning and she needed me to be there to update her and help facilitate Grandma's care. I spent all night in the hospital with my uncles and Grandma. It was one of the worst nights of my life. She was unable to be sedated while intubated because the sedatives made her blood pressure drop too low, so all night long we watched her thrash and gag and fight the tube down her throat.

By the time my mom arrived on the 4th, they had taken the tube out and Grandma was breathing on her own but still in the ICU. She had pneumonia, her blood sugar from her diabetes was extremely high, her kidneys were struggling, and we learned she had had a small heart attack which was most likely the cause of her respiratory distress the previous day. I spent the remainder of that weekend at the hospital with my family (we did eventually get rooms at a nearby hotel that offered discounts to hospital visitors). It was a long, physically and emotionally exhausting weekend. I needed to be there with Grandma and to help my mom and her brothers with all the paperwork and decisions, but I missed my husband and my son (thankfully my in-laws were able to step in and help with Nathan while Paul was on shift that Saturday). There were many conversations about death, dying, and end-of-life care. I work in the field of oncology - this is nothing new to me. But this is really the first time that I was intimately involved in discussing, explaining, and ultimately documenting someone's wishes and advance directives.

I returned home on April 6 (after a semi-disastrous experience trying to implement Grandma's DNR orders and advance directives - thanks to unfortunate timing and a very upsetting, highly inappropriate interference from a medical resident who handled it quite poorly). Grandma remained in the hospital and my mom stayed nearby (with help from her brothers) for all of last week while they continued to evaluate and stabilize her condition. Last Friday (April 11), Grandma underwent a procedure to place a stent in the artery that was blocked; at the same time, they were able to complete a sort of temporary repair to one of her heart valves that is causing the trouble. Friday afternoon, Paul, Nathan, and I drove back down to the hotel by the hospital and spent the weekend there. We returned home yesterday evening, and Grandma was also discharged and sent home. This is not the end of the road, there will be more to this story. Likewise I have so many thoughts and feelings about all the events that have transpired over the past 2 weeks, but I'm not even sure where to begin. For now I think I will let it all just simmer...

I set new mini-goals on March 12, and it's time to check-in on my progress (or lack thereof). It has been a difficult 30+ days. Shortly after I wrote about these goals, all 3 of us got very sick. My mom came to visit just as we were recovering; having her around was very helpful, but it did change up our routine a bit. Then, less than a week after she left, all the drama with Grandma began. Where does this leave me? In need of a re-set button - ha!

1. Fitness. I was supposed to workout at least 5 days per week, including at least 1 run per week. I definitely did not meet this goal. I worked out zero days while sick, then squeezed in 1 run and 1 long hike while mom was here. I may have averaged 2 or 3 workouts per week the rest of the time, but all the traveling and hospital time definitely did NOT help. There were no other training runs either :( So... mini-goal for the next 30 days? Same as before. I really need to keep this up and make it a priority. The number on the scale hasn't budged much lately, but I can tell a difference from February in terms of strength and endurance, as well as how my clothes fit. I definitely don't want to backslide!
2. Healthy eating. Another fail :( My appetite in general has been horrible ever since I got sick. And all the stress has only made it worse. When I do eat it's because I know I need to, but junky stuff is all that appeals to me unfortunately (ice cream! CHIPS!). I was supposed to be planning meals, shopping ahead, and tracking my calories in MFP. Being sick screwed up planning and shopping for the first half of the month; then once I did plan and shop ahead for the second half, I ended up being gone for a large chunk of it! I also pretty much gave up tracking calories while at the hospital. We were either eating high-calorie restaurant food (whatever was nearby and convenient) or crappy cafeteria food, and always at weird hours of the day/night. If there's anything positive to say about this mini-goal, it's that I can definitely tell a difference in how I feel by NOT achieving it: I feel like CRAP. I'm sluggish and tired and my whole GI system is whacky. I need to get this under control again. Mini-goal going forward: 1) resume meal-planning and preparation, 2) resume tracking calories in MFP, and 3) figure out some kind of detox to do for the next week or so to get my system straightened out! 
3. Education. I'm not even going to get into detail about this. The story is the same as with all my other goals: sickness + family crisis + unplanned travel = ZERO achievement. Going forward: I must spend at least 2-3 hours per week on my capstone/thesis. No if's, and's, or but's about it!
4. Organization. I had aimed to spend 1-2 hours per week on organization and special projects, and I have to say, this is the one mini-goal I might have actually achieved (or come close to anyway). I wrote about my closet/wardrobe project in another post, and I'm still very happy with that progress (although my "donate" pile is still taking up space in the corner of our bedroom, so that needs to be gone). I did not get to work on my photo projects at all, so I'm going to keep that as a goal for the next 30 days. I think I will also set a mini-goal to tackle the "office" room and do some serious sorting and purging in there 
5. Finances. So I set goals to 1) eat out a maximum of 3 times (FAIL), 2) set aside cash for weekly expenses to help with budgeting (tried to do this for Paul's meals on shift and gas money... and then FAILED when the hospital visits interfered), and 3) reconfigure how our paychecks are split for direct deposit into various accounts (never even tried to do this so... FAIL). I think I will keep this simple: for the next 30 days, my goal is to work with Paul on pricing out various aspects of our upcoming home renovation so we can get a more precise estimate from our contractor and hopefully get the ball rolling on our construction loan! I really should do a separate post about all of this anyway, so stay tuned!

The moral of the story here is that sometimes you set goals, and sometimes, despite your best efforts or intentions, you wind up getting derailed anyway. I'm not even that disappointed in myself. Do I want to do better? Yes. Will I pick up and try again over the next 30 days? Definitely.

Progress (Mostly)

Tomorrow will be one month since I posted about my 30-day mini goals, so I thought I should give a status report and make plans for the next 30-day period...

1. Fitness. My original goal was to work out at least 5 days a week, and I'm happy to say I've been successful with that so far! I'm down about 4-5 pounds (as near as I can tell) and my clothes are starting to fit differently, so that's exciting. I now have to wear a belt with both pairs of my "big" size jeans... yay! So, I'm going to keep this goal for the next 30 days, with one change/addition: at least 1 day each week I have to go for a run (preferably outside). I hate running, especially on the treadmill. And I have NO desire to run races on any sort of regular basis (I did enough of that in high school track). Nevertheless, my friend B and I have signed up for a "race" in June. It's a 5K and I won't lie... I'm only doing it for the fun stuff you get (a bloody mary at the finish line?! yes please!). Anyway, I need to train for it, so I think incorporating a minimum of 1 run per week as part of my workout routine for the next 30 days is totally reasonable. B and I plan to do some training together, and I can bring the little man and the jogging stroller as well.
2. Healthy eating. My goal was to use the Pepperplate app to plan meals on a biweekly basis. I also added in using the MFP app to track calories. So far the meal-planning is going okay... the app isn't working as well on my phone as I'd hoped (I'm not sure whether this is an app problem or a phone problem). I'm having issues with the shopping list (which was one of my favorite features!), so that's disappointing. And on top of that, our schedules have been all over the place lately, so some of the meals I planned didn't work out in the end. But on a positive note, I've been putting together some freezer meals to help save time during busy weeks! I'm going to continue trying to plan meals and shop/assemble things ahead of time over the next 30 days. I just may go back to my old paper calendar method if I can't get the meal app to work like I'd hoped. As for MFP, I've been using it for about 3 weeks now and I think I'll continue tracking calories for the next 30 days. As I'd feared, it has become a bit of an obsession for me, so I need to be careful. I'm appreciative of the perspective it's given me on portion sizes and intake vs. output; I'm hoping that another 30 days or so will help train my mind enough that I can eventually wean myself off of it :)
3. Education. My goal was to a) find a new adviser for my capstone/thesis project, and b) spend some time researching my topic and beefing up my proposal. So far, I've identified, and met with, my new adviser. Success! I have not done any additional research. So... I give myself a C+ for these goals :) Going forward, my goal for the next 30 days will be to spend at least 2-3 hours per week on my capstone/thesis. I may revise this to be more specific once my adviser and I have set a more detailed timeline for the project. 
4. Organization. My goal was to spend at least 1-2 hours per week sorting, de-cluttering, and/or organizing something. I didn't really keep track of the exact amount of time, but I have made a lot of progress in this department. I think I may actually be addicted to purging of stuff. I filled the back of my Subaru and made one trip to Goodwill last week. So far this week, I have another GIANT bag full of clothes ready to go. If our home remodel takes place as planned this summer, we'll be packing up a large portion of the upstairs living area to put into storage for several weeks. In light of this, I definitely need to keep the momentum going and try to purge as much extraneous stuff as possible before we get to that point! So, over the next 30 days I will continue to spend 1-2 hours per week on organization. I also want (and need) to tackle some long overdue photo projects (albums and scrapbooks to fill/complete, frames to update, etc). My mom will be here for a week, so I'm hoping to devote some time to this while she's around to help with Nathan, etc.
5. Finances. This was a two-part goal: a) I wanted to figure out the best way to use our tax refund, and b) I wanted to make a list of future big-ticket purchases/expenses and prioritize them. I give myself a B+ on this. I did not get around to making a list of big-ticket purchases/expenses. We did, however, file our taxes and receive a nice little refund. After several hours of calculations and spreadsheets (I'm such a nerd with this stuff), I came up with a plan which allowed us to do the following: 1) pay off 2 credit cards + make a larger payment on a 3rd, 2) pay 4 months ahead on our auto insurance, 3) pay off about 2/3 of the remaining balance on a personal loan through our credit union, and 4) pay the deposit on our house rental for our vacation in June. In the process, I also created a plan which will put us on track to pay off all remaining debt aside from the mortgage and our cars by next summer. This is HUGE for us since we both brought more debt than either of us care to admit into this marriage. Having a light at the end of the tunnel will motivate us to stick with it, but we'll also need monthly reminders to keep focused. So, for the next 30 days, the goals will be: 1) Eat out a maximum of 3 times, of which only 1 can be a nicer, more expensive meal, 2) set aside cash for weekly expenses to help with budgeting, and 3) reconfigure how our paychecks are split for direct deposit into various accounts in order to maximize savings, stay on budget, and still have a little wiggle room for fun stuff! :)

So there you go... Overall I'm happy with the progress I've made so far, and I'm feeling good about this next set of mini-goals. Now, if only Mother Nature could make it her goal to STOP SNOWING AND GET ON WITH SPRING WEATHER...

Operation PURGE: Bras, Belts, and Baby Stuff

I embarked on yet another organizational venture this past weekend (not much else I could do while home with a sick little boy - more on that later). I was putting away clean laundry and came across a nursing bra and a couple of nursing tanks. I decided it was time to do one last sweep through my wardrobe to collect all remaining nursing paraphernalia so I can put it all into storage (in case there's ever a "next time"). In the process of pawing through my bra drawer, it occurred to me, I have a LOT of bras. As in, too many. I did a rough count, and I'm kind of horrified to admit that I counted 42 bras. Forty. Two!! That is just an outrageous number. Who needs 42 bras?? No one. Certainly not me. Especially when you consider that I only wear about 4-5 of them on a regular basis!

And therein lies the problem. The vast majority of these 42 bras are not ones I wear often (or ever), which means...I am a bra hoarder. I find it extremely difficult to get rid of bras. Not because I am emotionally attached to them or am saving them for future use, but because it just seems wasteful to toss them. But what else can you do with them? I could maybe sell them privately (i.e. in a garage sale), but I don't have the time or energy to do that. I might be able to donate some, but let's be honest, some of the bras I'm holding on to are in no shape to be used (or seen) by anyone else. This week I'm forcing myself to take a hard look at my bra hoard, and here's what I'm finding:

• Bras from smaller days gone by (when I was a 34A, circa 2004)
• Sports bras from my more active youth (yes, from high school) that have no shred of elasticity remaining
• Fancy bras (a.k.a. lingerie-style with matching underwear) from the early days of our marriage when adult play time was all about fun (and not about making a baby)
• Low quality, barely-worn bras, purchased during my post-college days when I was living on ramen noodles and thought I was saving money buying cheap (until I realized how awful they were and had to splurge on more expensive, better quality ones after all)
• Bras purchased on a whim that never really fit right or wound up being incredibly uncomfortable
• Well-loved, often-worn bras that have since been "retired" from my daily rotation due to condition (tears, stains, failing elastic, etc)
• Nursing bras of all varieties (everyday, sleep, exercise) both huge and medium-size
• Special occasion bras (strapless, multi-configurable, seamless) in varying sizes and colors

It's time to let go. It's time to part ways with a lot of these. Worn out, poor quality, or uncomfortable bras will be tossed. Bras that no longer fit must go. I badly need new, good-quality sports bras, so I'm going to ruthlessly limit myself to 2 for now (the only 2 that fit, sadly); I may donate a couple that I bought in the wrong size and hardly wore, but the rest will be thrown out. I will look at (and maybe even try on) the fancy ones, and choose some favorites to keep. Likewise, I will re-evaluate the special occasion options and cut back to 1 or 2 at most. Nursing bras will go into storage with my nursing tanks and a couple of nursing tops from my early postpartum days (except for the one sleep/lounge bra that I absolutely hated, which already has a hole in spite of being barely worn... that one will be tossed). When it's all said and done, I hope to have no more than 10-12 bras remaining in my dresser drawer.

Meanwhile, I'm also tacking belts. Of the dozen or so currently hanging off the corner of my dresser mirror, I'm pretty sure only 1 or 2 actually fit. Couple that with the fact that I'm not much of a belt-wearer to begin with, and it just doesn't make sense for me to hang on to that clutter. Belts can be donated and most of mine are in good shape, so I'll be adding to the Goodwill bag for sure. I think mostly I'm excited about the prospect of a cleaner-looking mirror!

Lastly, I'm slowly working my way through baby stuff. Not baby clothes (although I am donating a few things that we just never used or liked), but more like infant toys and bottles and other things that we don't need to have sitting around anymore. I'm finding this to be harder than I expected, so I'm taking less of a harsh approach with this than with other areas. I'm only forcing myself to toss things that I know can't (or shouldn't) be used again, like bottle nipples or pacifiers or anything broken/worn out. Things that we a) didn't use, b) probably won't use again even if we have another baby, and/or c) don't have strong emotional attachment to will be donated (if in good condition). Otherwise, everything else is being packed up for storage for the time being. Not a complete purge, but just having it out of the way will make a difference and allow space for the next phase of life... toddler-hood!

Mini Goal Update

Just dropping by to update on a couple of my goals from my previous post...

Organization
I absolutely HATE paperwork. Even with requesting electronic bills and statements for the majority of our accounts, I still feel like I am always drowning in paperwork. I used to be really bad about it - there would be piles of miscellaneous mail, documents, and forms laying around everywhere (the table, the desk, our bedroom dresser). Rather than address the piles, I would just try to keep them looking neat and tidy. In recent months, I've gotten a little better about eliminating the piles. I went out and bought pretty, cardboard filing boxes and labeled them. Now everything (mostly) gets stashed into one of the following: My Box, Paul's Box, Keepsakes & Cards, or To Be Filed. I also have envelopes or folders for daycare info, receipts, coupons, and income tax stuff.

Sounds like progress, right? Don't get me wrong, it's better than how it used to be. But now, my To Be Filed box has become my new "pile" that is even easier to ignore because everything is nicely contained and hidden from view on a shelf inside our entertainment center. When I first started using the boxes, I designated Mondays as my day to clean out the To Be Filed box; everything got sorted and either tossed for good or filed in the appropriate hanging file for records in our office. That was fine when I was only working 4 days a week and had Mondays off, but since coming back from maternity leave, I'm back to 5 days a week (2 of which I work from home). I could probably still do my filing on Mondays, since that is one of the days I work from home. However, I just haven't made it a priority and it's time to change that. Starting now, Mondays will once again be my clean-out-the-To-Be-Filed-box day. I have to remind myself that if I do it weekly, it won't be such a huge job and I could probably realistically have it done in 20 minutes! What I don't want is for it look like this every time:

This is our bed... covered in papers that had been shoved into the To Be Filed box for up to 4 months (yikes!). What you cannot see is that the headboard, dresser, AND chest of drawers were likewise also covered in papers. Completely unacceptable.

Fitness/Healthy Eating

After years of refusing to be one of those people who count their calories on a daily basis, I've given in and decided to do it for the short term. I don't think my issue is knowing what is healthy food vs. junk food (that's fairly obvious and I don't, in fact, eat a ton of junk food). I think my issue has more to do with recognizing portion size (paying attention to how much I'm eating), as well as my tendency to not acknowledge the sneaky calories that add up throughout the day (a latte here, a handful of M&M's there). Even healthy foods have calories, and it's probably time I start paying attention. I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight, and to do that, I need to focus more on intake (food) vs. output (exercise). I've downloaded the My Fitness Pal app and I'm going to commit to using it for at least 30 days. I might do it for longer, although I don't really see myself doing this in the long-term. But for now I think it's a good idea. In fact, I've already had a couple of wake-up calls in regards to my food choices (560 calorie breakfast? 400 calorie snack??). 

Ultimately, I'm trying to make a lifestyle change. I haven't shared my long-term goals yet (mainly because some of them are still taking shape). But I do know that fitness and healthy eating are not things I'm going to just give up once I achieve my desired weight. And right now I'm super motivated. The straw that (finally) broke the camel's back and convinced me to do something more drastic than just "eat better"? Yesterday, I ran into a former co-worker who still works on campus (just in a different department). I was wearing a sort of loose-fitting top, and she pointed at my stomach, smiled, and exclaimed "Oh! How wonderful!" Yes, that really DID happen. No, it was NOT an appropriate thing for her to do. And no, I don't really look pregnant (or so my other co-workers and husband have assured me). But that doesn't change how I felt in the moment: embarrassed and horrified, but more importantly, motivated.

Education

I don't have lots to report with this yet, but I did email the program coordinator and request a list of current faculty from whom to choose a new adviser for my capstone project! Hopefully I will have more to share soon...

Updates, Highlights, and Goals

This will be a combination post because there's just too much going on and not enough time to dedicate to individual posts right now! We just returned from a mini-getaway to Michigan with my husband's family. Unfortunately (as with most vacations/getaways), the return home means jumping right back into our crazy routine, which is made even crazier by having to catch up on what didn't get done while we were away. I wish I had enough vacation time to be able to take an extra day off each time to at least get caught up on stuff at home before going back to work! Anyway, here's the latest:

Updates

• No additional progress in the kitchen (yet) but all I really have left to do in there is finish putting some things away. I'm hoping to do that this weekend so I can say that at least one room/area is done!
• We are seriously considering doing our house remodel this spring/summer, and are in the process of having people come out to give estimates for both time and money. I will probably have to do an entire post on this at some point, as the prospect of doing this both excites and terrifies me!
• Nathan is jabbering up a storm these days, but so far the only word he uses consistently in the correct context is "uh-oh". Ha! The other day I said "What does the puppy say? Woof woof!" and he looked at me and responded "woof woof" as clear as day. I've been trying ever since to get him to do it again, but no luck yet :) He does, however, understand the question "where's the puppy?" and will look for/point at our dog when asked. He is also signing consistently for both food/eat/hungry and drink/bottle/thirsty.
• He is officially a walker! For the past month or so, he's been able to take a couple of steps at a time on his own. But just this week, something clicked and he figured out he could take several more without holding onto a hand or the couch or one of his rolling toys. It's so fun to see him go! He looks so proud and pleased when he does it :)
• I've started doing biweekly meal planning and grocery shopping again. I did this for a few months last year and it really helped with time management and budget planning. This time though, I'm using a phone app that my co-worker showed me (Pepperplate) and it has completely revolutionized the process! In the beginning it's a bit time consuming because you have to manually enter all of your recipes (unless they are from certain supported websites, in which case they can be directly imported into your account). But once they're in, you can assign them to specific days and meals; then you can select "add to list" and the program adds ingredients to a shopping list that you can print, share, or save on your phone to take to the store. I love it!

Highlights
It's so easy to complain about things, but how bad do we have it, really? Besides which, all that negativity gets tiresome. I want to be better at focusing on (and remembering) the special moments as a parent, and recognizing them for the blessings they are. Here are some recent highlights that I want to soak up and relish:

• When Nathan is drinking his bottle at night before bed, and he's starting to zone out a bit and playing with my fingers while he stares at his ceiling fan... and then randomly pulls the bottle out of his mouth, looks up at me, and gives the biggest grin ever. Pure joy in those little moments.
• Any time he puts his little head down on my shoulder, squirms around until his little butt is sticking up over my arm, reaches down with his little hand to grab my finger, and sighs contentedly... Snuggles like that (from my typically non-snuggly baby) are sometimes all I need to feel better after a rough day.
• The first time Nathan walked, on his own, across the room to give me a hug... 

Goals
In my last post, I mentioned wanting to set some goals and figure out plans to achieve them. In the past, I've had a tendency to write out big, long lists of goals and then become overwhelmed trying to implement and achieve all of them at once. This time, I'm going to start small, with just a handful of goals that can hopefully be achieved in the short-term. I've divided these goals into categories to help ensure that I don't take on too much at once in any one area:

1. Fitness. My goal here is to work out at least 5 days a week. At this point, I'm not going to specify a length of time, or even the type of workout (cardio vs. strength training). What matters for me right now is that I get moving and get back in the habit of making workouts a priority. I'm going to give myself a month of doing some kind of workout 5 days a week, and then see where I'm at weight-wise. I will then set a new goal in this area based on my progress after one month.
2. Healthy eating. I'm going to continue using the Pepperplate app to plan my meals on a biweekly basis. Having a plan, and buying only what is needed to fulfill that plan, will help eliminate spur-of-the-moment decisions that often result in poor diet choices. I'm also going to allow myself one (reasonable) indulgence per day, because I don't believe in being super restrictive :)
3. Education. I am 90% finished with my Master's degree, and it's about time I tackled that remaining 10%. I took a hiatus from it while going through all the infertility tests and treatments. And then I got pregnant from IVF. And then I had a baby. And now I have a one-year old and I really need to get back on track and finish this degree before we start thinking about the possibility of trying for #2! My short-term goal for this is to find a new adviser for my project (my original adviser has since left the institution). I also plan to schedule some chunks of time (2-3 hours each) to devote to researching my topic and beefing up the proposal for my capstone project. I'm giving myself one month to do all of this, after which I will evaluate my progress and set new goals for the following month.
4. Organization. I really want to keep the momentum going that I've started with my whole kitchen overhaul. My goal here is to spend at least 1-2 hours per week sorting, de-cluttering, and/or organizing something. That something could be an entire room or maybe just a drawer or two (depending on the contents and what is involved in the sorting process). 
5. Finances. This is a big one. We need to do a better job with budgeting (on a monthly basis as well as with planning for future, big-ticket purchases and expenses). I have two short-term goals for this category. First, I want to figure out the best way to put our tax refund to good use. Our appointment is next Monday, which means we could very well have our refund by early March (assuming everything goes smoothly). In general, I want to pay off more debt, add to our savings and emergency funds, and still have some left over for things we want (as opposed to things we need). Secondly, I want to make a list of big-ticket purchases/expenses that we either need or want and prioritize them. Too often we get into arguments over what to do with "bonus" money (money above and beyond our regular monthly income), so it would be nice to have an agreed upon list an order in which to proceed.

That's all for now. I may add to this list, but again, I'm trying to keep it simple and reasonable. I don't want to fail before I've even begun!