Now What?

It is over. I started bleeding (finally) last Friday and went in for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound on Monday. My HCG was completely negative by then. It is finished. I feel... empty. And bruised. For whatever reason, this time around, I bruised a lot. Bruises on my hands and arms from all the blood draws. Bruises on my derriere from the PIO shots. I'm not usually prone to bruising from needles, so this is unusual. It's like I literally took a beating with this cycle, both mentally and physically.

So what next? I'm back on the pill again and will see Dr. B in a few weeks (April 6, to be exact). They could have gotten me in to see her next Wednesday, but I'll be on my way home from a much-needed girls' getaway with my BFF. Right now I'm at my parents' house. P has back-to-back classes all month and so I flew out here with N on Tuesday. I'm working remotely while my mom helps with N, and then he will stay here when I leave for my trip on Saturday. It's definitely been therapeutic being here, although I haven't told my parents anything and probably won't any time soon. It feels too fresh still. And besides, they've had kind of a rough year what with the drama of trying to sell their old house in Maine and dealing with some major career disappointment for my Dad. I don't really want to add to the negativity.

As far as what we'll do next, we'll have to see what Dr. B says. Right now I think I'd be up for one more cycle before taking a break, provided we can fit it in (betas and all) before my birthday in the beginning of June. I don't really want to ruin my birthday with another failed cycle, or worse another "chemical pregnancy" or miscarriage or whatever. If we can't do one within that time frame, then we may be looking at end of June for a transfer. We'll be heading to Colorado for the big family reunion/vacation the end of July, so again I would want to be done with whatever cycle before leaving for that trip.

I don't know what Dr. B will recommend, but I'm prepared to say no to transferring more than one embryo still. I just don't think that's necessarily the answer for us yet. I'm also still opposed to genetic testing of the remaining embryos. I guess I feel strongly that they deserve whatever chance we can give them. I am, however, curious about the possibility of an un-medicated cycle. I'm not really sure how that works or if it's something they would even consider for me, but I do feel like I'm struggling with the side effects of a medicated cycle. And to a degree, I feel like that's adding stress, which I don't think is healthy. I'd like to at least discuss the possibility with her on April 6.

Meanwhile... I'm starting a new nutritional program in the hopes of trying to heal myself physically from the cycling. The wife of one of my childhood friends is an associate with the company that sells it, and she just happened to reach out to me last week to see if I would be interested. Oddly enough, P and I had discussed looking into it before I started this last cycle. He would like to lose some weight and I would like to feel better about myself again. I haven't stepped on a scale in over 2 months, but I suspect the hormones haven't been friendly to me. While it isn't strictly for weight loss, that is one of the benefits of this particular program, along with improved energy and increased immunity, both of which I could use. I don't really know if this will work for us or not, but it will give me something else to focus on for a little while. And if I do - by some miracle - wind up pregnant by this summer, the good news is it's safe to continue during pregnancy too.

So that's about all for now. One more full day of lounging around my parents' house in my sweatpants with no make-up, eating pastries and other homemade dishes that my mom whips up. Then I'm headed to sunshine and warm weather. Looking forward to a few days of snoozing by the pool and mimosas for breakfast with the BFF. Although we planned this trip months ago, the timing couldn't be better. I need this.