It's About That Time

I think I'm ready to start figuring out how to have another baby. Maybe. Hopefully. If it's meant to be.

I knew I wasn't ready before. That first year was all about Nathan and learning how to be parents and celebrating the little things. Like getting to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. And getting him to eat food. And finally figuring out how to get anything else done in between going to work and coming home and taking care of an infant.

The second year was all about exploring the world with this little human who was suddenly becoming even more of an actual, little PERSON. There was walking and talking to be learned and mastered. We could take him places and he would actually be aware and engaged in whatever we were doing. We had our first vacation with just us - just our little family. He developed opinions. Lots of them. And he became fully aware of US as his parents. This was a good thing, but also a challenging thing. There were times I felt like he needed me even more than when he was a baby, which was really probably more that he WANTED me. And at some point during that second year, I started to feel like me again. I finally lost the baby weight. I went on more dates with my husband and had more girls' nights.

We're now nearly halfway through the third year of his life (he will be 2 1/2 a month from yesterday). Until recently, I couldn't imagine adding a baby to the mix. Life has been hectic and crazy and yes, it's all been good. But it's also been hard. Baby's are hard too, but in a different way. And I couldn't imagine combining the hands-on work of taking care of a baby with the energy and, shall we say, "moods" of a two-year old.

We had talked some, and had decided we would see about going to back to the RE this fall. After our much-anticipated trip to Hawaii to celebrate our 7th anniversary (was originally supposed to be for our 5th, but that was the year we had Nathan). While I still wasn't sure I would be 100% ready by then, I figured it made the most sense. Nathan will be 3 in January. If I do have the opportunity to have another child, I don't want them to be so far apart in age that they aren't really part of each others worlds. So I had sort of resigned myself to the decision. I would make myself be ready. It was a deadline, more than anything.

And then things changed. I don't really know how or when, but it was like a switch was flipped. One day, about a month ago, I was watching Nathan play with a stuffed animal. He was making a bed for it and tucking it in, and out of nowhere I said, "Would you like to have a baby brother or sister someday?" He looked up at me and smiled, but said nothing and kept playing with his toy. I tried again. "Would you like a baby? Should Mama have a baby?" And he said, in the sweetest little voice, "Ok! Sure! Yes!" And something just sort of clicked in me. I couldn't get that conversation out of my head. I told Paul about it later and he just kind of smiled. He's always been ready. Never pressuring me, never in a hurry. Just ready.

This week, I found out another co-worker is pregnant. My former office-mate, S, is also pregnant, and they are both due around Thanksgiving. The other co-worker, Gloria, was telling me the story of how she and S had strategized together about how and when to tell our boss. S was nervous about her announcement because she's also supposed to be getting a big promotion soon, and she's paranoid about having that withheld from her because of an upcoming maternity leave (which is illegal, but S has had issues with the HR department in the past about other things, so she doesn't trust them). In any case, they are both starting to look pregnant, so time was running out and Gloria told S it had to be this week. S did it first and confessed to our boss why she'd been delaying telling him. He apparently was horrified to think that she had been worried to tell him, and so then was saying to Gloria the next morning how bad he felt. To which Gloria had responded, "So, speaking of pregnant...".

After hearing her story, I jokingly said to Gloria that maybe I should walk into the boss's office next week and tell him I'm pregnant too (just to see his reaction). But even as I said it, I felt a longing. I'm ready. It's time now. I want to do this again. I want to have another baby. I want Nathan to become a big brother.

But the funny thing is, I don't just want to have another baby. I actually want to do the whole pregnancy thing again. I know it isn't everyone's cup of tea, but for the most part I enjoyed the experience last time. I was one of 6 women who happened to be pregnant at the same time in my office, and so being pregnant at work was kind of fun. Besides which, my OB's office and the hospital where I delivered are on the same campus as my office, so appointments and tests were all close by. I don't live geographically close to any of my high school or college friends, and so work friends are the closest thing I have to that dream of being pregnant at the same time as a good friend. And so sitting there, in Gloria's office, thinking about her and S, I wanted to be able to say "me too!" Maybe that sounds silly, but it's true.

Anyway, I came home last night and after Nathan was in bed, I told Paul I wanted to call the RE. Originally I thought we would wait until after Hawaii to even make the call. But now that I'm feeling really ready, I think maybe we'll make that call sooner. I don't want to start treatments or anything until after the trip, but I would like to have the consultation and maybe whatever testing is needed before we go, so that as soon as we're back we can get started. We'll be doing frozen cycles because that's what we have left from the IVF. I don't know how many we'll have to do before it works. And if it doesn't... there won't be another fresh cycle. Maybe we'll look into adoption or maybe we'll make peace with just being a family of three. But right now frozen is still an option, so that's what we'll focus on. We're going to NYC to celebrate my dad's 60th in November (it will be a surprise for him), and I can't help thinking how much fun it would be to get to tell my parents in person that grandbaby #2 is on the way...

It still seems strange to say, but I'm totally ready. Let's do this.

How I Know My Toddler is Smarter Than Me

Some examples from recent conversations with my two-year old:

On potty training:
Me: "You know, one of these days, the diapers are going to be all gone. And then you will just use the potty like a big boy."

[He's been going #1 on the potty at least 2-3 times a day for a few months now, but we're still working on #2. We're gearing up for some diaper-free, run-around-home-naked days over the holiday weekend coming up soon.]

N: "Diapers be all gone?"

Me: "Yes. They will be all gone. No more diapers."

N: "Go to the store Mama. Get more diapers at the store."

On noises:
Laying in bed, lights are off, having one last snuggle before sleepy-time...
N: "What's that noise, Mama?"

Me: "It's your fan."

N: "What's that noise, Mama?"

[He's just asked me the same question about the same noise for the 19th time in 5 minutes.]

Me: "It's YOU Nathan. YOU are making noise!"

N: ...pauses for a few seconds... "What's that noise, Mama?"

Me: "YOUR FAN. It's your fan, Nathan. I've told you that already!"

N: "No Mama. It's you, Mama. You're making noise."

Seriously?!