Keto Day 1 - Enough is Enough

Today we (my husband* and I) embarked on a 4 week keto diet plan. The * is because P works 24 hours shifts, and his on-shift meals are sometimes unpredictable and not fully under his control, so we'll see how it goes for him on those days...

Why are we doing this? Well, I'm doing it because I'm tired of feeling blah about my weight/health. He's doing it because I told him we're doing it... haha. I'm kidding. Mostly... But in all seriousness, I am now nearly 16 months post-partum from baby #2. With both kiddos I experienced similar weight changes. I gained 30-35 pounds during pregnancy, promptly lost 20 or so pounds in the first couple of weeks post-partum, and then gradually saw the scale creep back up in the months that followed. Everyone 'says' that breastfeeding helps you lose weight because you burn more calories, etc. However that isn't actually true for everyone, and it wasn't true for me.

With N I stopped nursing at the 1 year mark, having gained back nearly 2/3 of my final pregnancy weight in his first year of life. With moderate exercise and calorie-counting (I got a Fitbit and linked it to MFP), I was able to lose the weight over a period of about 6 months. I hit my lowest weight just over 150 pounds the summer before I got pregnant with C. At the start of that pregnancy (despite all the months of hormones, 1 miscarriage, and 3 FETs) I was around 160. I actually looked - and felt - pretty great, and was determined to stay on track with weight gain throughout the pregnancy.

After C was born, I was able to drop the weight fairly quickly again in the first month. It was nice out and we went for lots of long walks while I was on maternity leave. C was a very different baby than N had been, in many ways. She slept less and didn't really follow as much of a schedule as he had. Breastfeeding was also more difficult with her - I experienced more issues with supply and it was overall more painful for longer. As I was going back to work, she hit what we suspected was the dreaded four-month sleep-regression. Except that it didn't end... She went from being an 'okay' sleeper to being up every 45 minutes all night long for WEEKS. It wasn't until her 6 month check-up that she was FINALLY diagnosed with reflux and put on prescription zantac.

During those sleep-deprived months leading into the holiday season, I ate my way through the stress. When my supply dipped as she started solid food and I became increasingly worried about pumping enough each day, I turned to food for comfort. Not healthy choices, mind you.. pastries, lattes, a glass of wine here and there, LOTS of cheese. Breastfeeding got even worse around month 8 when she had influenza and bit me - HARD - one one side. The pain was excruciating. That side never fully healed, even once I stopped nursing from it and switched to just pumping. My supply decreased even more, which raised my stress more, which impacted supply, which led to more stress-eating... and so on. It was an unfortunate cycle.

And speaking of cycles, my period came back much earlier after C. More hormones, more stress, less and less milk production. She bit me again on the healthy side at around 10 months and I realized I had had enough. It wasn't worth the amount of stress and guilt I was feeling, and she was clearly ready to move on as well. With the blessing of our pediatrician, we switched over to dairy milk and never looked back (she was also already eating table food at that point).

I tried introducing exercise again but it was difficult to find the time. With 2 kiddos, someone always seemed to need SOMETHING. And after so many months of little or no sleep, I found it impossible to get out of bed even 5 minutes before they did. I tried logging my food again using different apps, but over this past summer there were so many social events, vacations, and dinners-out that I struggled with accuracy. I would drop 5 pounds or so and then it would come back, over and over. I tried protein shakes which did help with muscle tone (at least my arms looked better), but I struggled with afternoon sugar-cravings and indulging in a glass of wine with dinner on a regular basis.

So here we are. C will be 16 months a week from now. As of Sunday when I last weighed myself, I'm at 182 and wearing a size 10-12. My arms look decent, but everywhere else feels pudgy and squishy. I often go through multiple outfits in the morning trying to find something that a) fits, b) doesn't make me look pregnant AGAIN, and c) isn't a tent. I feel sluggish and frustrated. Enough is enough.

I am not a big fan of 'diet's in general, especially so-called fad diets. That being said, I need something to kickstart the weight loss. If I can drop some pounds and/or start seeing some improvement in energy levels, then that momentum will help it keep going. I also realize that at this stage in my metabolic life, the things that used to work aren't working as well - if at all. I need to do something different.

I have friends in a similar stage of life who have had good success following a keto plan. I realize that like anything, consistency is key and a diet is not a quick fix. I also need to work on things like being more active as well as following a sleep schedule. And I want to do those things. The issue I'm facing is that trying to do all of them at once is overwhelming. As is the fear of failure. So... baby steps.

Today was Day 1 of our eating plan. Thoughts so far:

1. Pre-designed plans that spell out all the recipes for every meal/snack each day of the month are great if you want to spend less time researching on your own and just get going. 
2. Cravings don't go away the first day - haha.
3. Grocery shopping for just one week was intense... and EXPENSIVE. 
4. Meal prep x 3 meals a day takes time and requires a lot of planning. 
5. Lunch during the week will be my hardest meal. So. Many. Temptations. But also, doing prep the night before or morning of (while also wrangling kiddos) is time-consuming.
6. It IS kind of nice not having to make decisions. What should I eat next? Well let's see... the meal plan says broccoli-beef!
7. I'm kind of proud that I made it a whole day and didn't cave in to any cravings:)

Charlotte's Birth Story - Part II

Apologies for the delay in continuing the story... I got sidetracked and forgot about it a little bit, and then we went on vacation so... yeah. Anyhoo...

After determining that there actually was something happening, I called out to Paul who was still in bed. I told him I thought my water had broken, or that at the very least I was leaking fluid of some sort. And then we just sort of stared at each other for a minute before he said "Well... I guess we should probably head to the hospital?" I vaguely remembered the OB saying at one of my last appointments to call before heading in, so I dialed the answering service and gave them my information. At that point I was sitting on the bed on a towel and a much bigger gush of fluid was released. I decided the bed was probably not a good place to be and went back to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet sounded awkward and uncomfortable, so I removed my pajama bottoms and proceeded to stand in the bathtub. The on-call doctor called back a few minutes later and asked me some questions about the fluid (color, amount) and whether or not I was having contractions. I confirmed that I had been having round-the-clock contractions for over a month but nothing that seemed to go amount to anything (honestly I wasn't even timing them anymore). I also reminded her that we lived about an hour away. She suggested we come on in and get checked.

At that point Paul was wide awake and starting to collect last minute items to toss into the already packed overnight and diaper bags. I texted my mom (who had been staying with us for a couple of weeks and was asleep in the downstairs guest room) and asked her to come up. I stood in the tub in my bra and a towel going over instructions and details with her for taking care of N and the cats and dog. We agreed she could let my dad know we were headed in, but not to wake N or tell anyone else until we knew for sure how things were going. It was right about midnight when we finally got loaded into the car - me wearing 2 thick pads and seated on a towel on top of a puppy pee pad :)

As we pulled out of the driveway, Paul realized we needed gas. I remembered my gas light coming on as I was getting close to home the night before, but I had decided not to stop because I needed to get back in time to sign papers for the truck. I had actually intended to tell Paul to run out and fill up after the truck ordeal, but it had slipped my mind. So we headed to the closest/our usual gas station. It was closed. At that point it was starting to storm out. We drove to another gas station closer to the interstate. Closed. We then drove to a third gas station on the opposite side of the interstate, and thankfully it had a 24-hour pump option. All of this added about 20 minutes to our start time, so by the time we finally got onto the interstate to head towards the city, it was storming and raining heavily and the gushes of fluid were getting larger and more frequent. I was also starting to contract more often.

Despite the weather and gas-delays, we made good time seeing as it was the middle of the night and there was no traffic. We arrived at the hospital around 1:15 or so and I got checked in to the maternity triage area. They brought me back to a room where a nurse did a preliminary exam and got me hooked up to the monitors. I was surprised to learn that she would not be checking my cervix, however; apparently they don't do that anymore unless absolutely necessary (something about risk of infection)? She did comment on the color of the amniotic fluid and mentioned she was going to have it looked at under the microscope to rule out meconium contamination. She left the room saying she would consult with the doctor and someone would be back to tell me the plan. An ultrasound tech also came in to do a quick check to confirm that the baby was head down. After that, no one came back for over an hour.

While we waited, I began contracting much more regularly, though they were not super intense yet. The most uncomfortable part of waiting was the bed in the triage room.  As much as I wanted to close my eyes and try to nap a little while I still could, I couldn't seem to get comfortable without disrupting the contraction and/or fetal heart rate monitors. Paul meanwhile was dozing in a chair with his head against the wall. Sometime after 2:30 a.m., a different nurse returned and informed me that they were sending me up to L&D to get admitted. She didn't mention anything about the meconium exam and I forgot to ask. We gathered our things and an orderly wheeled me up to our room in L&D a little before 3 a.m.

It was at that point that I finally started to feel like it was real. Our baby girl was on her way. One way or another, we were going to become a family of four very soon! 

Charlotte's Birth Story - Part I

It's 8:49 pm and I *think* both kiddos are asleep for the night, but one never knows... I'm exhausted and it's been a long day of solo-parenting while P is on shift, but it's too soon to pump again so we'll see how far I get with writing this :)

I was overdue. Again. Though not as much as with N (thankfully). My actual due date was May 14 - Mother's Day (oh, the irony of that day). At my doctor's appointment the week before, I was still not dilated AT ALL, despite having had on-again-off-again, round-the-clock contractions for most of the last month. I spent the entire weekend doing all the things to try to put myself in labor: spicy foods, long, vigorous walks, off-roading through bumpy fields in my husband's truck... and yes, even the horizontal tango. Of course none of that worked (does it ever? really?).

My next appointment was on Monday the 15th, and the plan was for the doctor to try to sweep my membranes (translation = conduct an aggressive cervical exam) in the hopes of spurring things onward. That could only be done though if my cervix was found to be 'favorable' for it. Thankfully, it was: I had progressed from 'clamped shut' to 'a solid half a centimeter' dilated, but it was apparently enough for her to get access to the membranes and sweep away. I swear the doctor's hand was so far up there she was practically in my esophagus - it was not the most comfortable experience. Nevertheless, she mentioned that during the course of the sweeping, she may have gotten me 'up to 2 cm', so I was thrilled. She cautioned that there were no promises, but she wouldn't be surprised to see me back in the next 36-48 hours. 

While we were all hopeful that I would still go into spontaneous labor, there was some concern about the possible size of the baby (and my increasing levels of discomfort), so we agreed to tentatively schedule an induction as a back-up plan. I left the OB/GYN office on Monday with assurances that someone would call to schedule me for an end of the week induction (likely Thursday or Friday). I went home that night and walked another 2-3 miles before eating a dinner that involved red chili pepper flakes. 

By Tuesday afternoon, no one had called yet and I was getting antsy. I couldn't tell that much had changed - the contractions still came and went with varying frequency and intensity. I called the doctor's office and they assured me they hadn't forgotten but were still waiting to hear back from the hospital about availability. That evening I walked up and down the lakeshore path that is near my office (and the hospital where I was delivering) before finally giving up and heading home. 

As Wednesday rolled around, my mood spiraled downward. I called the doctor's office again (twice, actually) and got the same response as on Tuesday. Meanwhile I was starting to feel panicky because it was looking less and less like it would happen before the weekend, and P was scheduled to return to work the following Tuesday (because of how they do their time off at his work, he had had to pick which shifts to take off several months ahead without knowing for sure when the baby would arrive). And to make matters worse, another woman in my office who was actually due 3 weeks after me was in labor. As I prepared to head home that evening, I poked my head into the office next door to say goodbye to a co-worker. She was also pregnant (and also due in about 2-3 weeks) and every evening we would joke about how she hoped not to see me the next morning. That evening though, I told her I was starting to think she would also deliver before me, and rather than our usual 'hope I don't see you tomorrow' banter, I said 'I'm pretty sure I will see you again in the morning.' 

I got home that evening and was feeling pretty depressed. My hopes of a spontaneous labor were growing dimmer. I was worried about P's work schedule and whether or not he would even be there for the birth of our child. I was tired of the discomfort. Tired of going on walks that made the swelling in my feet and ankles worse but didn't induce labor. Tired of people at work saying 'oh hey - you're still here!' Tired of being tired. I just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep.

Unfortunately, P had decided that it was the perfect time to buy a new truck. I'm not even kidding. In the midst of everything else, he had arranged for the dealership to bring the new truck to our house to do the trade-in for his old truck that evening. So at 8 pm that evening, we were signing papers and handing off keys in our driveway. Once the dealership people left, we loaded N and my mom (who had been staying with us since the early part of May) into the truck and all went for a test drive. We were gone maybe 15-20 minutes before heading home to get N to bed (it was way past his bedtime) and eat a late dinner. P and I finally crawled into bed sometime between 10:30-10:45, as I lamented the fact that I once again would be heading to work in the morning.

As usual, despite my fatigue, it took me a while to fall asleep. Just as I was drifting off around 11:30 or so... I felt a little gush of fluid leak out. I was nearly asleep and it was just a tiny gush, so I immediately assumed it had been pee. Nevertheless, I got out of bed and traipsed to the bathroom to investigate. As I sat on the toilet, nothing happened. I waited a few minutes before deciding that it had been a false alarm thanks to weakened pelvic floor muscles. But just as I was about to stand up and return to bed... there was another gush. I thought to myself, I did NOT just pee. It was just after 11:30 pm on Wednesday, May 17, and my water was breaking... at last.

Oh Hey, We Had a Baby!

Yeah so... I just looked and the last time I posted anything was in November. Whoops. Honestly I though it might have been longer though - ha! So much has happened and there's not nearly enough hours in the day to write about it all. Ever. But the short version is our daughter was born May 18th and we are now officially a family of four!

Hoping to get back to posting more often. Or at the very least, I'd like to write about some of the following:

• Pregnancy: last time vs. this time
• Charlotte's birth story
• Breastfeeding round #2
• Big Brother
• Juggling it all
• Thoughts on the future

No promises how soon any of the above will turn into actual posts, but I hope to start jotting down some thoughts over the course of the next several weeks (now that the initial month of newborn fog has started to clear).

No idea if anyone even reads these anymore... if not, that's cool. I write for myself :) But if you're reading, then thanks for hanging in there despite the 6+ month hiatus!

Second Trimester!

I can't believe how quickly the first trimester went by. I'm not even sure how that happened?! I swear I just posted about seeing the heartbeat the other day, and here I am now... 14 weeks 3 days. Life has been SO busy lately that I've really neglected posting about this pregnancy. Some highlights:

• Graduated from the RE's office around 8.5 weeks.
• Went on a week-long road trip with just me and the hubby.
• Had first OB appointment around 10.5 weeks; had a wretched time with the blood draw as usual, but got a bonus ultrasound when the doctor tried - and failed - to pick up a heartbeat on the doppler (it was a bit early to hear it but I think she could tell she'd freaked me out when we didn't get it, so sent me for u/s).
• Told close friends/co-workers and immediate family about Baby #2.
• Told N about his new baby sibling over Halloween weekend (and enlisted his help in telling my in-laws). He's very excited but also extremely practical in how he thinks about it (i.e. "but if the baby gets scared, it should come sleep in my bed and I'll keep it safe"). Super sweet.
• Had 12-week nuchal-translucency scan showing very active little human. Also did fancy new genetic screening test that includes gender. We have the results as of last week, so will post about that after we reveal it to family during Thanksgiving.
• Had next OB appointment today. No blood required (woohoo!) and got to hear the heartbeat finally. Baby was bouncing around in there creating a lot of static!

In terms of pregnancy symptoms (particularly this one vs. with N):

• Boobs still extremely sore. Like DO NOT TOUCH. Ever.
• Occasional bouts of nausea, but nothing severe (maybe even less than last time?) and usually cured by eating whatever is nearby.
• Decreased appetite in the sense that very few things sound appetizing. No hard-core aversions, but have a bit of a hard time with some meats. Meat that basically falls apart or is ground I can handle; meat that has to be bitten or cut with a knife (i.e. chicken, steak) sort of makes me gag. It's more of a texture issue than taste I think...
• Cravings-wise, the one thing that consistently sounds good is Ramen noodles. Seriously. I've eaten that for lunch or dinner at least 1-2 times per week. Otherwise, the only other thing that might count as a craving is Mexican food. 
• Sleep has been hit or miss. Like last time, I'm starting to have some nighttime discomfort (slight heartburn/reflux, hip and neck pain), so that's definitely a contributing factor.
• And speaking of pain, I'm definitely "feeling" pregnant lately. The second-trimester round ligament pain has arrived, and it's not pleasant. I should probably try to actually do yoga semi-regularly, as I recall this helped alleviate some of that last time? 
• The new symptom I'm having this time around is bloating. Like insane, really severe, feels like I'm going to burst into little pieces bloating. I had some early on, but that was as I was still weaning off the FET hormones. It went away thankfully, and then it came back last week. With a vengeance. Yesterday I was in so much discomfort between the round ligament pain and the bloating, I almost cried at work. I did eventually confirm that OTC stuff like Gas-X is okay to use, so used some of that yesterday afternoon/evening and it did help. Let's hope this was just a passing fluke and isn't going to be an on-going issue, because HOLY MOLY.

What else? The bump is there, and what they say about it popping out sooner rather than later with subsequent pregnancies is very true. I honestly think I've been raising suspicions at work for about a month now, but definitely as of last week I'm no longer able to "suck it in" and disguise it.

So there... a bit of an update. Long overdue and certainly incomplete, but I'm hoping to get back to posting more frequently now that September and October (two of our busiest months of the year) are over. Next up for me to mull over in this space: OB vs. midwife and with or without doula...

We Have a Heartbeat!

I went in for ultrasound #2 yesterday. Last week only showed the amniotic sac, so I was a little nervous that we might not see much more this week. I was wrong - there was a yolk sac, a baby, and a heartbeat! P wasn't able to come with me this time, which I was kind of sad about. But they did give me a nice little picture of the baby next to the yolk sac to show him. Heart rate was good (111 bpm) and they noted adequate growth, so that's good.

Today I made follow up appointments. We'll go for ultrasound #3 and then "graduate" from the RE's office in 2 weeks on October 6. We're out of town the week after that, so the following week on the 18th will be my first appointment with my regular OB. Crazy to think I'll be 10.5 weeks already by then - almost out of first trimester!

I still can't quite wrap my head around it. Of course this is the outcome we wanted and prayed for and hoped would be. I'm still just amazed that it happened. I haven't actually said the words "I'm pregnant" yet to anyone, even to P. It still feels to early. But I'll admit, seeing the heartbeat went a long way to helping me feel better.

Speaking of feeling better though, I'm definitely feeling (and seeing) more symptoms. The first thing I noticed (even before we got the positive beta) was the sore boobs. I think this was my first real symptom last time too. They're just achy and tender and even brushing them with my arm is kinda painful. I also get nauseous at least once every day, and sometimes more often. Nothing extreme, just enough that I either need to find something to eat or sit down for a few minutes until it passes. My appetite is also weird - kind of non-existent. I sort of remember this from last time and have to keep reminding myself to eat. I'm also breaking out a lot on my face, which definitely happened last time. And lastly, I'm tired. All. The. Time. Even when I've had a decent night's sleep. But frustratingly, when I do get to bed early, I'm tossing and turning.

The symptoms are great in the sense that it helps assure me I'm "still pregnant." Even so, I often feel I'm holding my breath still. It's been over a year since we started trying for #2. If our first FET had worked, I would now have a 3 month-old and probably be getting ready to go back to work. If FET #2 had stayed put, I'd be 33 weeks pregnant and entering the final home stretch. Today I'm 6 weeks 4 days. If all goes well, my Mother's Day gift next year may be something pretty special...

6 Weeks

Even as I type this, I'm terrified to do so. My first beta was on 9/6 and it was positive. I don't even remember the numbers they gave me, I was in such shock that it was positive. Beta #2 was on 9/8 and my HCG had more than doubled, which was good. That was the point in the previous cycle where things had taken a turn for the worse. I had my third and final beta on 9/12, and the numbers were still looking great. We went in for an ultrasound on 9/14 and they confirmed the embryonic sac was present and measuring well. The technician said it was a bit too early to see the baby, so although the sac appeared empty she assured us that was normal. We will go back later this week for the next ultrasound.

As of today, I am 6ish weeks pregnant. Part of my still feels like I'm holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I thought I would feel better after the ultrasound, but I think not seeing more than an empty sac actually made me feel worse. I hope and pray we can see more this week. According to some estimates, the heartbeat can be visible on ultrasound as early as this week. I really, really, hope we see that. I'm still terrified of another so-called chemical pregnancy.

In other news though, I'm definitely feeling a little bit pregnant. I've had several small bouts of nausea, mostly early in the morning when my body temperature seems to surge. My breasts are also pretty tender. I'm trying to focus on these as good signs that things are really working this time. I hope I'm right...