Spring (Anticipation) Cleaning

Every year around this time (well, except for last year when I was still figuring out life with a newborn) I get a powerful urge to organize, sort, de-clutter, and streamline EVERYTHING. Given that we could still be getting snow for the next 2 months, it seems a bit premature to call it spring cleaning... but that's kind of what it is I suppose. This year, the urge is stronger than ever (probably because of not doing it last year) and I've already gotten the ball rolling!

It started with my kitchen. One day, I decided I really needed to move the pots and pans out from under cabinet A to cabinet B (nevermind that I hadn't planned where to put the stuff currently stored in cabinet B). In the process of dragging everything out, I decided it was time to do a purge. We had WAY too many pots and pans, including some we rarely used (and a couple we NEVER used). So I picked through and got rid of most of one set that was old and kind of rickety, as well as a few from another set I had from my early post-college days. In the process, I also discovered several stray lids that did not belong to any of the pots or pans that had been in cabinet A. Purged! I then relocated the remaining items to cabinet B, at which point I was faced with the dilemma of what to do with the items already in cabinet B (mixing bowls, cutting boards, measuring cups, and colanders). I moved the mixing bowls and measuring cups to a small, upper shelf inside cabinet A, and the cutting boards had a new home in cabinet C alongside some baking dishes and pans. I then began to plot what to do with the rest of the newly acquired space within cabinet A...

Two weeks later (these things take a while when you're working full-time and have a one-year-old underfoot!), I have rearranged approximately 60% of my kitchen. I have purged several categories of items (weird utensils, disposable party supplies, appliances that are somewhat broken and/or never used). I have looked at every jar, box, can, and bag in my "pantry" (which consists of one free-standing, skinny, Ikea bookshelf with a door and 3 upper cabinets in my kitchen) and have thrown out anything that was past the expiration date. I then reorganized all of it and labeled all of the shelves (or sections of shelves) according to what was stored there (e.g. baking supplies, snacks, canned goods). Nathan now has his own shelf that holds all of the dry baby foods (cereals, crackers, and a few pre-packaged, quick-n-easy items for last minute use).

I still have some things I'd like to do in the kitchen (my colanders still do not have a new home!). But in the meantime, the fever has increased and it is spreading to other areas of the house. I can't do it all in one long weekend (or even two) like I did in previous years. But a little at a time, whenever I have a free hour here or there, I'm opening drawers and closets, pulling things out, purging and tossing, moving and rearranging... And it isn't just my physical house that is getting the treatment. I'm feeling the need to apply these tactics to other areas of my life. My office at work, for instance, could use some sprucing up and purging. Our current finances need some re-prioritization in terms of goals, dreams, and serious budget-planning. I was doing okay last fall with the whole health-eating thing, but I definitely let that slide during the holidays (and then some). And along those same lines, I've slacked off with my workout schedule and could stand to get rid of a few more pounds before swimsuit season!

I'm not sure yet where this whole journey will take me, but I'm feeling motivated and excited. I want to write out some specific, concrete goals and plans. I want to see some changes in certain areas (long overdue). I want to look around my life like I'm starting to look around my kitchen and feel refreshed and calm (well, as calm as you can with a toddler in the house!). We'll see how it all goes. I'll write more on this as it takes shape...

The Physical Pain of Weaning: My Experience & Lessons Learned

From talking to friends and co-workers, I knew to expect a day or so of discomfort after I completely stopped nursing and/or pumping. I prepared the best that I could. I had been scaling back for nearly a month, and I was ready to put up with some pain while things dried up. As it turned out, my experience was nothing like what I expected... Today is one week exactly since I stopped everything, and it is the first day I can honestly say I have only minimal pain. Discomfort is nowhere near strong enough a word for what I felt over the past week. Here's a quick rundown of that week:

• Tuesday, 1/21: Nathan's actual birthday and Day 1 of no more pumping. By the end of the day, it had been over 24 hours since my last pump, and I was feeling full and a bit tender. It was slightly uncomfortable, but still within what I expected to feel.
• Wednesday, 1/22: Day 2. I woke up feeling quite a bit more tender. I figured Day 2 would be the worst, so I gritted my teeth and determined to carry on. The pain got worse throughout the day. By that evening, it felt like I had several clogged ducts (hard, painful areas around each breast). Every movement hurt. If my arm brushed the side of my boob, it hurt. If I tried to take off my shirt, it hurt. If I held my son against me, it hurt. And heaven forbid if he accidentally kicked me while changing his diaper.. the pain was excruciating. I actually broke down in tears at that point. Up until then, I had assumed this was all part of the process and assured myself the worst would be over soon. After all, everyone I talked to had said it would be short-lived. Right??? Wrong. I couldn't sleep at all that night. The only position I could lay in without horrible pain was on my back, which is my least favorite.
• Thursday, 1/23: Day 3. I worked from home and Paul was back on shift. After a difficult and painful struggle to get Nathan to daycare on my own, I did some research. Paul wanted me to call my doctor's office, but before I did that, I was determined to find out what, if anything, I could be doing on my own to ease the transition. My boobs felt like they were going to explode; I wanted so badly to pump to ease the pressure. I found some good advice on kellymom, including the recommendation to go ahead and pump if needed (just for a few minutes, enough to take the edge off). The article assured me that pumping for that short a time would not send a message to keep producing, thus prolonging the entire experience. So I went ahead and pumped for 5 minutes (expressing only about an ounce of milk) and it did feel slightly better, although I think it would have been more beneficial to have done it the night before. I still had some hard, painful areas, which I had read could lead to infection if not unclogged. Heat had always helped in the past when I had clogged ducts, so I heated up 2 neck/shoulder bean-bag warmers and wrapped them around my chest. I did that repeatedly throughout the day. Light compression (in the form of a sports bra) also felt good and helped minimize accidental trauma. That night I slept in a sports bra with the warmers laying on top. It was still painful, but I slept slightly better...
• Friday, 1/24: Day 4. I could feel the pain starting to subside, but it was by no means gone. The hard areas had also softened some, so I felt like maybe that was progress. This was also the day that Paul and I began our weekend away (not far away... we were attending a convention - related to his work - in a hotel about 20 miles or so from home). We went to dinner with some of his friends/co-workers and their wives that evening, and I had TWO drinks for the first time in a very long time! I still felt pretty tender, but the drinks may have helped numb things a bit :) Despite a rather uncomfortable hotel bed, I slept better than I had (which was good because I was supposed to get to sleep in the next morning!).
• Saturday, 1/25: Day 5. While our husbands were in meetings or doing drills, the other wives and I went to lunch and then spent the afternoon at the spa getting our hair and nails done for the big, fancy dinner that night (originally I had planned for a massage too, but nixed that plan since I didn't think I could lay on my stomach). I had to wear a strapless bra and cocktail dress for the dinner, which actually didn't hurt as much as I was worried it might; things were snug in the chest area, so it felt okay.
• Sunday, 1/26: Day 6. Slept in at the hotel and woke up NOT in pain for the first time since starting the process. Still had some discomfort but was able to hug my son when we got home that afternoon. By this point, I had also spoken to my mom and found out that her experience (several years ago) had been the same as mine. Maybe there's something genetic in there? It certainly was not anything like what my friends had all described, or even what I'd read about in preparation for stopping. 
• Monday, 1/27: Day 7. Woke up after a decent night's sleep. Felt adventurous enough to try working out. It hurt but I made it through an entire DVD (having skipped only a few moves that involved a lot of repetitive jumping). Got lots of snuggles from my little man, who had clearly missed us :) Also got a couple elbow or knee jabs in the chest from him, which still made me cringe, but not cry at least!

And that brings us to today. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the worst pain and 12 being where I was at on Day 2), I think I'm finally at a 1 today. I wish I had known that it could take a week. I clearly should have talked to my mom beforehand! It might not have made it any easier, but I would have at least been prepared to know that it could happen. And I would have implemented some of the strategies I read about a lot sooner (short pumps to relieve pressure, drinking sage tea, cabbage leaves, hot packs).

Like most things in the parenting world, everyone's story is different. Everyone's experiences and their reactions to those experiences are different. I choose to share my stories because I know that reading other people's stories can be helpful. Your story many not follow the same lines, but then again, it just might. You never know...

And We Are Done Weaning!

In December, I started having some issues with my supply. Nathan had become very inconsistent with his needs - some days he would go through 6 or more bottles, other days he only did 4. We were still nursing once a day (early morning) but I was at a loss with how and when to pump. I had dropped down to 2 pumps per day at work (plus one at bedtime), but it seemed like that was always either way too much or not enough. One day I would wind up putting a bag in the freezer (so as not to have a surplus in the fridge), and then a few days later I'd be thawing a bag to make sure we had enough for daycare. Between his fluctuating needs and the craziness of holidays and travel, I was having a hard time maintaining my pumping schedule. I was frustrated because I wanted to make it to one year, but I was becoming too stressed over supply and demand issues, which wasn't helping the situation.

My uncle is a family practice physician (and the first person we spoke to when we suspected there might be a problem getting pregnant), so when I saw him at my grandfather's house I asked if it was too soon to start transitioning to whole (cow's) milk. I know they say generally 12 months is the time to do that, but we were literally less than a month from his birthday. I just really didn't want to re-introduce formula (he had gotten some in the early days when we had to supplement to get his weight up) and then immediately switch to whole milk a few weeks later. Uncle K said it was perfectly fine to start the switch, and we could do it as slowly as needed to let his system adjust. Nathan had been getting a lot of dairy in his diet already (yogurt, cheese) so we weren't terribly worried.

I was relieved to know that the pressure was off and I could start scaling back a bit while we transitioned. Right around New Year's I dropped down to 2 pumps per day (depending on when he nursed in the early morning, I tried to pump approximately 8 and 16 hours later). We started mixing whole milk in at a ratio of 80-90% breast milk to 10-20% whole milk. The following week we upped the whole milk portion to 20-40% and I dropped down to 1 pump per day (plus 1 nursing session still). The week after that, we switched to about 1/3 breast milk and 2/3 whole milk. That was also the week that we completely weaned off the early morning nursing.

Ever since he was about 10 months, I've suspected that he wasn't waking up to nurse because of hunger, so much as habit (and obviously for emotional comfort and bonding). He wasn't eating much and there were some days he skipped it entirely. I kept it up though because, a) it had become our only nursing session of the day, b) I knew that comfort and bonding was important, especially on days when I wasn't going to see him as much, and c) the early morning time-frame coincided well with when I needed to get up and get ready for work during the week, so it didn't really interfere with my sleep much. To confirm my suspicion that he wasn't truly hungry, I paid attention to see how long he was nursing on each side (he was doing about 7 minutes on one and 5 on the other). At the same time we were introducing whole milk and I was starting to drop pumping sessions, I began reducing the time that he nursed in the morning. Every few days I would reduce by another minute or so. He was still going back to bed smoothly and sleeping until his regular time; furthermore, his daytime intake was still averaging about the same (that is, he wasn't waking up suddenly ravenous and drinking 2x the amount before his morning nap).

Once we were down to nursing just 3-4 minutes total, I felt it was time to try stopping entirely. The sentimental side of me would have liked to continue at least until his actual birthday, but the practical side of me won out. I had done my research and knew that to increase our chances of success, I could not be the one going in to calm him down if and when he continued to wake up at that time. At least until I was completely dried up and no longer smelling like milk... Unfortunately, since Paul works 24-hour shifts, we needed to schedule this final step of the weaning process for a time that there would be someone else in the house with me on the days he was gone. My mom flew back for a week around Nathan's party, so that was our ideal window of opportunity. Furthermore, Paul and I had a weekend trip planned shortly after his birthday. Nathan was going to spend that weekend with my in-laws, so we really wanted to have his new routine sorted out by then.

I nursed him for the last time in the early morning hours on January 15th. It was dark and quiet, and I tried to soak in those special moments one last time as I reflected back over the previous weeks and months. Breastfeeding was rough for me in the beginning. Even after I had overcome the physical pain and challenges, it was still a while before I started to experience that elusive bond during the actual act of nursing. It was even longer before I started to fully enjoy the experience. I stuck with it because I was stubborn and I wanted to make it work. As I nursed my son for the last time that morning, I realized I had come full circle. I was ready to be done. I was more than ready to be done pumping. But I was also sad that a chapter was closing, not only in my relationship with Nathan but in my life as a mom. Nathan and I will go on to start new chapters together, but the reality is I may  never nurse a baby in my arms again. That morning, Nathan pulled away on his own after just a few minutes. I did not have to break the seal for him. It was almost as if he knew and was telling me, by his actions, that it was okay. It was time.

I continued to pump for a few more days (every 12 hours or so, and then every 24 hours). I had until the 23rd before I would be the only one on duty at night if he woke up, so I planned to pump for the last time on the 20th. From talking to friends and co-workers, I knew to expect a day or so of discomfort after I stopped completely. This ended up not being the case for me (see next post entitled "The Physical Pain of Weaning: My Experience & Lessons Learned"), but I did stop and now, one week later, am finally 100% dried up (as near as I can tell).

Meanwhile, we continued to work on helping Nathan through the final stages of weaning:

• The first morning he woke up right on schedule (around 5:00 a.m.) and initially we let him fuss for a bit to see if he would go back to sleep on his own. He did, but then woke up again around 6:00 a.m. and needed some snuggles from Daddy to settle back down. Not terrible. 
• The second morning, he must have sensed something was up and refused to either go to sleep on his own or accept snuggles from Daddy. At that point, Paul went ahead and offered him a small (3 ounces) bottle, of which he only took a few sips. He then proceeded to go through several cycles of crying and dozing, which lasted for about 45 minutes before he finally went back to sleep until his regular wake-up time. It was difficult for me to listen to, especially since he was doing the "maaammmmaaaaaaaaaa" cry; but I stayed strong, knowing that I couldn't intervene if we wanted this to be successful. Paul was very supportive, which helped. 
• The third morning Nathan woke up even earlier than usual (before 4:00 a.m.), and since Paul was on shift, my mom had to help. Nathan was not interested in snuggling or rocking with her at all, so she offered him a bottle, of which he drank about 2/3. I was worried this might be a setback, but my mom encouraged me to be patient. 
• The fourth morning he fussed a bit around 5:30 and went back to sleep on his own until almost 8:00! 
• The fifth morning, he needed the bottle again, but Paul had only put about 2 ounces in it and he didn't even drink the whole thing. 
• The sixth morning, he fussed around 6:45 but kept sleeping until 8:15.
• The seventh morning he slept straight through until 7:45! 
• The eighth morning (last Thursday) was the first one after my mom had left that it was just me and Nathan. I was in a rough spot with my own weaning process, so things got a little hairy. He woke up right after Paul left to start his shift; I tried to see if he would fuss himself back to sleep, but he got louder and louder until I had to get up and intervene. I couldn't snuggle him very well due to my pain (see next post), so I ended up having to given him a small bottle. He drank all 2 ounces and then started fussing as soon as I laid him down. I was extremely uncomfortable and didn't know if or how soon he would go back to sleep, so I gave up on going back to bed and just stayed up. 
• The next morning (Friday), he woke just as my alarm was going off to get up. I tried to snuggle and rock him and he got quiet, but the second I laid him down he began screaming. I fetched a small bottle again, but this time he refused the bottle. I rocked him some more and then put him down, and once again, he resumed screaming. At that point, there wasn't much I could do. He didn't want the bottle so he wasn't truly hungry, but I had to get ready for work so I couldn't keep holding him. And it was WAY too early for him to just get up and stay up. He cried for about 20 minutes before finally going back to sleep. It was rough because I was by myself and I was leaving for the weekend after work, so wouldn't see him again until Sunday. I was also worried about how he would do for my in-laws while we were gone...

Apparently I shouldn't have worried. Friday night he slept straight through (12 hours) with barely a peep, and Saturday was mostly the same (more like 9 hours though because they put him to be SUPER late Saturday night... that's a topic for another post). He's continued this pattern the past 2 nights, so I'm hopeful that it is starting to become permanent (you know, until the next round of teething or sickness hits - ha!).

All in all, the weaning process was a lengthy one, but I feel good about it (for the most part). Nathan has adjusted very well. At this point, we're just using up the supply of breastmilk that I had in the freezer. He gets about an ounce of that in each bottle, and the rest is whole milk. One frozen bag lasts about a day, so if my calculations are right, he'll be switching to 100% whole milk in about a week and a half. His only issue thus far has been his poop. It's definitely changed the consistency and color, which wouldn't be an issue except that it's also irritated his skin some. It seems that with each change in the ratio, it takes about a week for his system to adjust and get used to the format. I'm sure the fact that it's winter isn't helping, what with the multiple layers and dry air. For that reason, I'm glad we've made the transition a slow one. I think he will be fine when we make the final switch, now that he's had time to get used to it all. I'm also glad we didn't try to do another transition (from breastmilk to formula) first.

Transition seems to be a way of life right now. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and may have to write a post on all the other transitions going on in our lives...

One Year Old!

Hard to believe that this little guy...

Is now this BIG guy...

Nathan turned one on Tuesday. I had planned to write something unique and poetic and amazing to document this milestone and all that it symbolized... But I just couldn't find the right words to express my thoughts and feelings. So instead, we'll focus on the fun details :)

We had a party last Saturday with several friends, neighbors, and a handful of family (January weather + barely 3 weeks post-holidays = not ideal travel time for extended family living elsewhere). There were a few last minute flu-related cancellations and it snowed heavily for a good portion of the day, so I was a bit worried about attendance. Nevertheless, there was still a decent turnout and Nathan received many gifts.

We did a "Flash" themed party with red and yellow accents for colors ("Flash" is what we called him in utero). For food, we made 5 different kinds of monkey bread (sweet, savory, and traditional versions) and had veggies and pretzels with dip on the side. There were also 3 cakes (the cake drama is worth a post of its own...): a red "Flash" cake that I ordered from a bakery, a Noah's Ark cake that my MIL made, and an ABC-themed smash cake (also from the bakery) that Nathan destroyed.

On Sunday we hosted the coffee hour after church in honor of Nathan's birthday. I took leftover Noah's Ark cake from the party and also made a sheet cake that Paul helped me "decorate". The church sang "Happy Birthday" to him and he got lots of hugs and attention. Then, on his actual birthday, it was just us and my mom (who had flown in for the festivities). I had saved a piece of the sheet cake from church which we adorned with a candle while we sang before letting him tear it up.

All in all, it was (I think) a great first birthday for the little man. I will try to post some more pictures later. For now, I'm going to sip my coffee and enjoy these last few minutes that he is still sleeping... :)

Catching Up

Has it really been over a month since I last posted?!

So... life got busy. Apparently. But that's usually how it goes with the holidays, right? Looking back, I actually started at least 3 other posts, but never got around to finishing any of them. Oops.

So here's a quick recap of the past month (in bullet points because I'm feeling lazy):

• We survived Wonder Week 46 and lived to tell about it! His sleep schedule over the holidays was kind of crappy (mostly as a result of all the non-routine activities and people around). But now we're back on track and doing really great. He's even had a couple of 13-14 hour nights!
• We ditched the pacifier cold-turkey in the midst of the WW46 sleep regression. Sound crazy? It was, but at the same time, it was kind of perfect. I mean, we were already at rock bottom (sleep-wise). It wasn't nearly as rough as I imagined it would be, and I'm now very glad we did it. This is one of the posts that I started and never finished... maybe I will go back and work on it again?
• We started weaning. I was feeling sort of stressed about my supply over the holidays with trying to pump and stay on schedule (and of course, the stress wasn't helping). So we started transitioning Nathan to a blend of breastmilk and vitamin D milk. He was 11+ months so that made more sense to me than switching to formula and then switching again to cow's milk in less than a month. He's done great with the transition, and we've slowly adjusted the ratio so that he is now getting about 1/3 breast milk and 2/3 cow's. Meanwhile, I've scaled back from pumping 3x per day to 2x per day to (as of this week) 1x per day. This is in addition to the one time he still nurses (early morning before I go to work). We've also been decreasing the nursing time so that we can eventually drop that feeding as well. I'll have to write more on this as it progresses... I'm feeling a little bit sad about it all, but I'm also ready. And he's ready. And it will be good!
• Nathan has been standing on his own with good balance (reaching for things, bending over) more and more lately. And he's even taken a couple of steps on his own! The first time was during the week between Christmas and New Year's. He was standing and did kind of a step-step-lunge towards me. And then, just this past weekend, he took a couple more steps (no lunge). I wouldn't call him an official walker yet, but he's super close!
• We are continuing to explore and experiment with new foods. He is really good about trying everything we offer him at least once. He's definitely getting more and more independent with eating though, so that's kind of a challenge. I'm constantly on the search for  new and interesting finger foods that also provide the appropriate amount of nutrition he needs.

I'm sure there's other things, but that's all I can come up with right now. And it's late and I have to work tomorrow so... I guess that's it for tonight!