Chocolate

This morning I got to my office and my boss had left a gift bag on my chair with 2 kinds of fancy chocolates and a Wonder Woman card that simply said: "Chocolate doesn't fix anything, but it does help!" It was kind of the perfect gesture, and much appreciated as it has been one helluva week...

After getting the call on Monday, I wound up stuck in the city after work while my in-laws waited to see my FIL's sister after her cancer surgery and didn't get home until almost 9 pm. Tuesday should have been my work-from-home day while P was on shift and N went to school, but instead I had to schlep downtown for meetings and wound up crying in front of both of my bosses (see previous post). I then got stuck in horrible traffic coming home and was super late picking up N, which made me feel even lousier.

On Wednesday I had to be at work super early to coordinate an on-site visit from a vendor that I personally have been working with in recent months and am hoping to convince senior leadership to contract with for some of our regulatory requirements. I needed to be up at 5:00 but N randomly woke up crying at 4:00, so once I got him settled back down I basically just stayed up. He woke up again a little after 5:00 while I was getting ready for work (complaining of his stomach hurting). Then my FIL was late getting to the house so I could leave. Once at work, the visit was an all-day thing with a hands-on demonstration for end-users and a leadership debrief that went later than planned. Meanwhile, P had come home from shift that morning and was super sick (like, probably the sickest I've ever seen him with some sort of stomach bug) and basically had to send N to my in-laws' and then spent all day in bed. I finally got home around 8:00 pm after stopping at the store, then had to put N to bed and make my own dinner while P slept on the couch.

I was up earlier than I needed to be again on Thursday thanks to N and then spent the next hour and a half trying to get ready while keeping him quiet so P could sleep. I finally had to wake P up so I could leave by 8 to get to the clinic for another round of blood draws (this time to "confirm" that the loss was progressing). I managed to leave work a bit early with the hope of getting home to spend some time with my boys. Unfortunately, the evening did not really go as planned and ended with me having a bit of a meltdown from the stress of the week and what I perceived to be a lack of support from P all week (yes, he was really sick, and yes, I was exhausted, hormonal, and grieving).

So today, Friday, I took some time for me. N is at my in-laws' for the night and P is on shift. After work, I indulged in a little retail therapy in the city. I bought a dress, some leggings, and a couple of tops to wear on vacation. I visited my favorite cosmetics store, got a hand massage, and picked out some new soaps and lotions. Then I bought a pizza from my favorite brick-oven pizza parlor and brought it home to eat. I filled the jacuzzi tub as full as I could, added a bath bomb, poured a glass of wine, and ate my pizza whilst soaking. For dessert I had sea salt almond chocolate squares from my boss.

Am I still sad? Yes. Does it hurt any less yet? No. Do I feel like myself again? Not really. But chocolate does help. And so does shopping and pizza and wine and a nice long soak in lavendar-scented water. This isn't over yet. But tonight was a good first step in allowing myself to heal.