5 Months!

Nathan is now 5 months old (as of last Friday) and changing/learning new things every day. Recent accomplishments include rolling all the way over (and over... and over) and blowing raspberries (spit bubbles). He actually rolled all the way over for the first time (successfully) about 2 weeks ago; my parents, grandma, and uncle were all here to see it, which was fun. Now that he's rolling pretty consistently, he's learned that he can use that to his advantage to get to wherever he wants to go. It's a lot of fun to watch, but does require keeping a closer eye on him! The other day I had him on his jungle mat and walked away for about 2.5 seconds to get something from the bedroom. When I walked back in, he had rolled off the mat and under the dog! Fortunately, Gibbs is extremely gentle and protective of him :)

He is back to sleeping in his crib for most of the night (yay!). We sometimes still put him in his Rock 'n Play after his early morning feeding - he falls back asleep much easier in there than in his crib. Overall though, he's sleeping more or less through the night on a pretty consistent basis. Most evenings he's in bed by 8-8:30. He's been dropping the late afternoon nap more and more lately, so I'm thinking we might be moving up his bedtime to 7:30 or so. Some nights he has what I call "false alarms" where he wakes up for whatever reason but doesn't really need anything. Sometimes he fusses quietly for a few minutes and goes back to sleep on his own - other times he needs a little help to keep from getting so worked up that he keeps himself awake. Usually his pacifier or a gentle repositioning is all it takes. Now that he's rolling, the pediatrician said it's fine for him to sleep however he wants - tummy, back or side. A lot of times he winds up on his side, snuggling with his glow worm :) Aside from the false alarm wake-ups, he usually gets up for an early morning feeding sometime between 4:30 and 6:00. He had been going back to sleep for another hour or so after that, but these past few days he's actually been sleeping in pretty late. Sunday he didn't get up until 8:20!

Feeding-wise, he eats about 6 times a day. During the work week, I nurse him at the early morning feed. He then has 3 bottles (4-5 ounces each) throughout the day at daycare or with Daddy. I usually nurse him again when I get home from work, and then he has his bedtime bottle. We are planning to start solid food soon - probably the week after 4th of July. He won't be quite 6 months yet, but he's definitely ready. He's been showing a lot of interest in our food lately. He stares at it and reaches for our plates and utensils. I also want to start the process before I go on my work trip. He'll be staying with my in-laws the first night I'm gone (when Paul is also on shift), and quite honestly, I don't trust my MIL to not give him solid food since she's been asking for the past couple of months when he can start. Also, we leave for vacation the end of July (right after my work trip), so I'd like to have at least a couple of foods established by then. I wouldn't want to be just starting solids during our vacation, so the only other option would be to wait until we get home, which is just too long. He's really curious.

In other news... I'm having a bit of writers' block. There are some things I definitely want to post about, but I just haven't found the words yet. Or the time really. But I will post again. I need to vent a little about the situation with my MIL, and this blog is one of few places where I can be completely, 100%, brutally honest about things. So stay tuned... that just might be my next post. But until then, I'll close with some recent photos since I haven't posted any in a while:

Big boy sitting in his chair!

 

Baby ewok with a killer 'stache.

Quite the little trooper at the Cancer Walk even though it was barely 50 degrees and rainy.

  

Handsome little man all dressed up for his baptism. And no, he did not wear his "mustachifier" for the actual ceremony :)

Something is always blurry in pictures because this kid is ALWAYS moving. Maybe he will be a soccer player? 

The classic "cute by mischievous" look.

Ready for summer!

The Plan

A few days ago I wrote about wanting (and needing) to lose some weight, get back in shape, and feel better about myself physically. I think the best way for me to do this is to have some accountability. I don't just mean from anyone who might be reading this (although if you are - feel free to leave me encouraging messages and/or reminders!), but from myself as well. My policy on this blog (and in real life) is 100% honesty. I've shared some difficult things here, and it has helped me to work through my emotions and reactions. I think I can use it to help me through this quest to get myself back on track as far as my physical health is concerned.

As someone who had a pretty high metabolism as a youth, and was always very active in sports growing up, I never really had to worry about weight. I was actually quite skinny, and I could more or less eat whatever I wanted. During college, I played tennis, participated in a traveling drama group, worked 2 part-time jobs, and carried a hefty course load (I was pre-med). Some people eat more when stressed, but I was the opposite. I would forget to eat. One year, I came home for Christmas break after finals, and my Nana actually asked if I had been sick (I was too skinny). I probably averaged around 115-120 pounds throughout most of college.

After college, my lifestyle changed drastically. I became much more sedentary - in part due to my job (I worked as a lab technician). I tried to work out as much as I could, but I was also struggling with situational depression that first year out of college. For the first time in my life, I used food for comfort and to manage stress. I probably gained 5-10 pounds that year. But because I had been so thin up until that point, it wasn't really a bad thing.

Fast forward to 2008-2009. It was an intense year in my life. In the span of about 12-16 months, I started grad school, bought a house, got married, lost my Nana to cancer, and changed jobs. Meanwhile, I was supporting Paul as he began a new career and dealt with his father's traumatic brain injury and subsequent recovery. Tack on another 10+ pounds, and I was hanging out around the 145-150 mark. Not terrible, but I was starting to realize that my metabolism wasn't what it used to be. I wanted to exercise more and eat healthier. And to some extent, I was successful. Paul and I love to cook together, and neither of us is terribly picky. We were also growing our own vegetables every summer, so for at least part of the year, we ate very healthily without much effort. But I was still taking graduate courses and working full time; I also commuted with a friend, so although I had a membership at the gym near my office, it wasn't always feasible to utilize it as often as I would have liked.

Then 2010 hit, and we began a nearly 3 year journey to have a baby. As any of you who've been down that road will understand, the stress and the hormones and the treatments take their toll. By the time I was actually pregnant, I was at or above 160 (depending on how you define my "pre-pregnancy" weight). I actually did manage to exercise somewhat regularly during the first 2 trimesters. And overall, I did not gain an excessive amount of weight. Nevertheless, by the time I delivered, I was closer to the 200 mark than I would like to have been (though never over it).

As I mentioned in my other post, that first chunk of weight seemed to melt off rather quickly. I even started walking (slowly) on my treadmill about 2 weeks after Nathan was born. I lost a little more during my maternity leave, but ever since going back to work I've fluctuated back and forth from about 170 to 180. My biggest hurdles have been: 1) a lingering sweet tooth that developed during pregnancy and has yet to go away, 2) fatigue/exhaustion resulting from a lack of sleep and energy, and 3) plain old laziness and lack of motivation. I also took to dressing myself "strategically" in clothes that masked my problem areas. I convinced myself that it was okay to buy a few pairs of pants in a bigger size to wear during my "transition" back to my pre-pregnancy stuff. I avoided certain tops because they weren't conducive to nursing or pumping. And for the most part, I heard only compliments when I went back to work. Everyone said I looked great, so I figured I did!

But pictures don't lie. I know I'm not extremely overweight, but I'm definitely not proud of myself when I look at pictures. In addition to to the added weight, I've lost most (if not all) of my muscle tone and definition. And the worst part? It has started to affect my energy, flexibility, and endurance. I did a couple hours of yard work the other weekend and could barely move the next day. I participated in the cancer walk and my joints were screaming. My metabolism may not be as high as it used to be, but I'm not ready to stop doing the things I love because I'm out of shape. I want to be an active mom. I want to do things with my son. I want to have energy (even if I'm not getting as much sleep as I would like) to do chores around the house and still take the dog for a walk.

So here's my plan... It's quite simple, actually. I don't have time for complicated right now, so here goes:

1. Eat better. It isn't rocket science. I know what's healthy and what's not. I need more fruits, veggies, and lean protein in my diet. I don't plan to cut out carbs or anything drastic like that, but I do need to be more mindful of not overdoing it on certain things (like Trader Joe's peanut butter cups). I don't believe in completely restricting anything - in my book that's a sure fire way to make me crave it even more and then go on a binge. But I can limit myself to just one dessert/sweet treat per day of a reasonable size. And I can focus on filling up with good fiber and super foods that offer multiple benefits. Part of my strategy to do this is to make out monthly meal plans. I did one last month for financial/budgetary reasons, and I really liked it. Not only did it allow me to stay on budget with grocery shopping, but I was able to stop and really think about what we were eating and when. I'm planning to keep this up on an on-going basis.
2. Exercise at least five times a week. I'm not going to specify what type of exercise or even the duration, because I don't want to use either of those as excuses for not doing anything. In the past I've said things like, "I don't have time for a 45 minute workout," or "Oh look, it's raining out - guess I can't go for a walk after all." I've got lots of options for walking or even running (the treadmill, the track at the park in town, our subdivision, the forest preserve), as well as plenty of DVDs (Lindsay Brin's Post-Natal Bootcamp, P90x, various and sundry pilates and yoga). The important thing is that I make some effort - any effort - to squeeze in some kind of activity at least 5 days each week. I'm not even going to specify which days because every week is different. 
3. Post about my progress. It won't be daily (maybe not even weekly). But from time to time, I'm going to weigh myself, try on my "normal" clothes, and post about where I'm at on this blog. That way, if I'm feeling discouraged, I can log back in and see how far I've come. I don't have a set-in-stone goal in mind, but I'd like to get back to around 150 or so. And there are certain clothing items (pants and dresses mostly) that I'd like to be able to wear again by this fall. 

So that's it. That's my plan and I'm really, really, going to strive to stick with it. I want to do this. I need to do this, for many reasons. It is Saturday, June 15, 2013, and today I am 179 pounds and wearing a size 10-12 pant. I did a 30 minute DVD workout this morning (cardio + toning + abs) and hope to go for a walk with Nathan later (if the weather cooperates). I had oatmeal and coffee for breakfast, and hummus-and-cheese stuffed peppers with a banana and peanut butter on the side for lunch. I'm debating about a snack right now and trying to resist the urge to devour the rest of the cake from Nathan's baptism last weekend :) Stay tuned for more updates down the road...

Pumping

I've been back to work almost 2 months now (crazy!) and there's just no sugar-coating it: pumping (particularly at work) sucks. Why does it suck? Here are a few of my observations on the topic...

1. Logistics. I work at home 2 days a week, and am in the office the other 3. Pumping at home isn't as bad, but schlepping my pump (AND tubing, AND power adapter, AND ice packs/cooler bag) back and forth every day of the week is kind of a hassle. While I'd love to have another pump to just leave at work, that expense isn't really in the cards for us right now. I do take a couple of bottles and one set of flanges/valves/membranes and leave them in my office for the week (bringing them home for a good sterilization in the dishwasher over the weekend). I also keep a stash of bags (I pump into the bottles and transfer to bags), extra membranes, my manual pump (as a back up!), and a cute tote bag to contain it all at the office all the time. But I still have to remember the daily stuff. And sometimes I forget. And then I end up pumping in my car at home with the car adapter or using the battery back-up when I forget the AC adapter at the office over a long weekend...
2. Privacy. I have been walked in on 5 (FIVE!) times at work. Twice I was pumping in my office after my office-mate had left for the day. The other 3 times I was in the actual pumping room when it happened. It isn't a fancy pumping room - just a spare office that is sometimes used for interviews. But since there are several of us currently (or in the near future) in need of a space, they've designated it a pumping room for the time being. They even let me bring in a mini bar-sized refrigerator that we had sitting in our garage so that those of us who need it can store our milk in there during the day (rather than in the nasty, stinky, community refrigerator in the kitchen next to someone's rotting chicken parmesan from a week ago). It's far from luxurious - there's an ugly desk, an uncomfortable desk chair, and no windows or air circulation with the door shut - but it's better than what some people get, so I consider myself lucky. Except when someone who has no reason whatsoever to be in there (except to use it as a "break" room to talk on their cell phone in private) barges in on me without knocking. There's even a sign on the door that politely says "Please knock." Pumping room or not, if you're in an office environment and there's a closed door that doesn't belong to you, common courtesy would be to knock, right? Apparently not.
3. Fatigue & Supply. Pumping is exhausting. When I first started back to work and was trying to build my supply, I was nursing 2-3 times in a 24-hour period (depending on that day's schedule) and pumping another 5-6 times. On weekdays when I was headed into the office, I would nurse whenever Nathan woke up to eat (usually around 4:45-5:30), get ready for work, and then pump before leaving for the day. I would pump again as soon as I got to work (I have a long-ish commute), and then every 2.5-3 hours while at work (sometimes as many as 4 times during the workday). When I got home in the evening, I would either nurse (if he was ready to eat) or pump again and then nurse later (if he wasn't ready yet). He always gets a bottle as his last feeding before bed (he's kind of fidgety about nursing when he's tired, so a bottle lets us make sure he is actually eating) so I would pump again right before I went to bed. I've never had what I would classify as an "abundant supply" of milk. It's better now than when I first went back to work, but I still have to be careful. I maintain a strict regimen of oatmeal for breakfast every single day (yes - even now that it's summer) and drink A TON of water. If I don't, my supply starts to diminish. I don't have to pump as often anymore, now that he's dropped to about 6 feedings per day (at 4-5 oz. per feeding if it's with a bottle). But I still pump an average of about 4 times a day. And I'm trying to build up a freezer stock for when I have to travel for work in July, so I still try to squeeze in an extra pumping whenever I can (especially on weekends). Pumping - for me - takes about 10-15 minutes. That doesn't include the time to assemble everything and then wash it after. On the days that I'm in the office, I literally have to schedule meetings around when I know I will need to pump. There are some days I feel like I don't get any actual work done because I'm either in a meeting, pumping, or eating/looking for food to keep my energy up so I can produce milk. Add in my commute, and I'm pretty much wiped out by the time I get home on office days. Thank goodness for my twice-per-week work-from-home arrangement - I seriously doubt I could survive going to the office 5 days in a row each week.

So... in summary... pumping sucks. And I knew this going in (my office-mate just weaned and I heard all about it from her in the months prior). But I didn't realize just now much it would suck until I was doing it. And now I get it. So, the question is, how long? How long can I keep this up? I try to leave the answer to this open-ended. Right now, I want to make it to at least 6 months (which is really only about 5 1/2 more weeks). I'm pretty sure I can do that. We'll be starting solid foods around that time, so he won't be relying 100% on breast milk for calories anymore. I'd like to think I will keep it up beyond 6 months, but I don't want to set a firm end date and then be disappointed in myself if I don't make it that long. We'll see how it goes with supply and whatnot when I'm away from him for a few days. I don't know what kind of toll travel and not nursing at all will take on my supply. It might be fine, or it might not. I'm trying to be flexible.

The thing is, as much as I dislike pumping, I'm actually really enjoying nursing right now. I wasn't sure if I would ever get to the place where I would be able to say that. Nursing was difficult for me, in the beginning. And even when it wasn't as difficult anymore, I was tired, stressed about my supply, and more than willing to pump a bottle so Paul could feed him and let me go on to bed. I was also still having to nurse multiple times overnight at that point. These days, he sleeps on average 7-9 hours before waking up to eat around the time I need to be up and getting ready for work. I nurse him and he goes back to sleep for a little while longer. He consumes about 3 bottles during the day while I'm working. I nurse him once more when I get home (or shortly thereafter) and then he has his bed-time bottle. On the weekends, we do more nursing than bottles, but still only one that I have to wake up for usually. I think the combination of not doing it around the clock and not having it be so painful has allowed me to relax more when we do nurse. Now I'm able to just sit back and enjoy the snuggle time (he's not a super snuggly baby otherwise, so I take what I can get!). I also really enjoy the occasional early morning when we get to nurse in my bed and then drift back to sleep together.

Will I be glad when I don't have to pump anymore? Yes. Will I be sad to give up nursing eventually? Yes. But I'm not ready to say when either of those will occur. So until then, I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing and we'll see what happens...

Time for Change

It's time. In less than 2 weeks, I will have a 5 month-old son. It is time for me to stop making excuses and get serious about losing some weight and getting into shape. I've been slacking off in this department for a while now. It's time to stop.

In the first 2-3 weeks after Nathan was born, I lost a chunk of the baby weight pretty quickly. It was encouraging. I thought I was going to be one of those lucky ones who loses it all just by breastfeeding. But then I hit a plateau. And then, I started to inch back up a bit. It soon became apparent that I wasn't going to be one of those lucky ones after all. Bummer. But I was not in a hurry. I figured I had plenty of time to turn things around again. And for a few weeks, towards the end of my maternity leave, I did pretty well. I worked out at least 30 minutes a day and took Nathan for as many walks as I could (weather permitting). But then we went on vacation. And then I went back to work. And Nathan decided to quit sleeping for a week or so. And suddenly, I had no time/energy/desire to exercise.

I've tried to be mindful of my eating habits. But I've also used breastfeeding to justify (at least to myself) an extra helping of this or a super-size that or just-one-more-piece-of-chocolate. While it is true that you do need to take in more calories when breastfeeding then not, I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean doughnuts and lattes and peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's. I know what healthy eating is, and I'm not doing it.

I was going through pictures from this weekend, and for the first time in my life, I'm truly embarrassed to post any of them. I know I've put on weight over the past few years. Stress + infertility treatments + pregnancy + life with a newborn = approximately 30-40 pounds heavier than when I got married. I just didn't realize (or have apparently been in denial) about how obvious it is. I guess I didn't really feel that much bigger. Or if I did, I was quick to cut myself some slack. After all, weight gain is a side effect of all those drugs I took to get pregnant, right? And everyone gains weight when pregnant. And I just had a baby, so of course I'm still carrying a little extra here and there... Totally normal, right?

But it's time to stop the excuses. It's time to make being healthy a priority again. It isn't just about the weight. It's about getting stronger and taking control of a body that has been out of my control for a while now. It's about setting a good example for my son. It's about looking forward to pictures with him, and not being embarrassed to post them or hang them in frames. It's about feeling better and not lying to myself anymore.

I'm ready. I want to do this. I need to do this. It's time for change.