To Pee, Or Not to Pee

There are two kinds of IF patients: those who are self-proclaimed pee-stickaholics who will pee on anything and everything during the dreaded two-week wait, and those who would rather not know for sure one way or another until it's time to trek into the RE's office for an official beta. Throughout all 6 cycles of Clomid, 1 IUI, and our first IVF/fresh transfer, I was the latter type. I peed on 1 stick during our fresh transfer, but not until after the first 2 consecutive BFPs from the RE's office.

I'm not sure why really. I guess I just didn't want bad news any sooner than necessary. Particularly when the results might be unreliable at home, based on contributing factors (e.g. trigger shot). I also knew they were going to tell me to stay on whatever supportive meds they were giving me regardless of what an in-home test showed, so maybe I just didn't want to torture myself? Generally speaking, I'm an optimistic person who believes in hope. So I guess I just wanted to allow myself to keep hoping.

This time around though, I'm suddenly finding myself having an urge to dig out those pee sticks. The 2WW is actually only 10 days for a frozen cycle at my RE's office, so my beta is scheduled for Friday morning at 10:15. I made it as late in the morning as possible to minimize the time between when I go for it and when they start calling with lab results. I think for my fresh cycle they called with the news a little after 1 pm?

So I sit here, toasting my right glute on a heating pad post-PIO injection, and debating whether or not to do it. I think the main reason I might do it is that I'll be at work - possibly in the middle of a semi-tense meeting - around the time that they will call. And I just don't know if I can bring myself to either a) step out in the middle of said meeting to take the call, or b) let them leave that news on a voicemail!? [Side note: I hate voicemail and procrastinate listening it all the time.]

I've considered testing at home early Friday morning, before P leaves for work. That way he can be here with me when I get the preliminary results. But at the same time, I kind of want to be alone when I read the result (especially if it's negative). I'm the sort of person who needs at least a few minutes alone to process stuff like that internally before any sort of conversation with others takes place. So I could still test at home Friday morning, but just wait until P leaves for work. Or...... I could do it tomorrow morning. P is on shift tonight so I won't see him before I leave for work tomorrow. I suppose there's Thursday morning too, but P will be home then.

But really, do I want to pee on a stick? I don't know. I'm conflicted. I know it's possible tomorrow could still be too early, and that's fine. I do kind of just want to prepare myself for Friday's results. But the part of me that likes holding onto hope is also sort of scared of testing early. I honestly don't know what to think about this cycle. So mostly I've tried to NOT think about it. And between work and grad school (oh yeah - I need to post about that) and family life and being sick all last weekend, I've been busy enough that it's been pretty easy to NOT obsess.

And yet, here I am. Obsessing over whether to pee or not when I should actually be in bed sleeping by now...