Processing

Tomorrow will be one week since the BFN. This has been a really crappy week. Most of it has been work-related drama, but every now and then I remember "oh hey, I'm NOT pregnant." When I got home last Friday I had the ugly cry. I haven't cried since, but all week I've felt like a tiny piece of my heart was missing. I think the worst part is that no one knows. We told no one that we were doing the FET because we didn't want the pressure of having to update them on the outcome. But it's a double-edged sword. We don't have go around telling people that it didn't work. But at the same time no one is mourning with us. There was no "miscarriage" because there was no actual pregnancy. But it was a loss all the same.

And to make matters worse, I've had no fewer than THREE people this week ask me when I'm having another baby. THREE. Meanwhile, there are four pregnant women in my office, two of whom are due in less than a month. It's not totally the same as last time of course. No matter what happens, we have N. He's our miracle, and if he's our only miracle then it will be okay. But it still stings a bit to know that for most people, getting pregnant is as easy as... well, you know.

My period started on Tuesday. I couldn't quite remember what the nurse had told me to do when that happened (I was crying by that point in the conversation last Friday), so I left a rambling voicemail for her. She emailed me back and said I could come for ultrasound and bloodwork today since I was already scheduled for a post-transfer consult with Dr. B this afternoon. Everyone at the clinic was really nice today (not that they aren't nice other times). Maybe they have some kind of system to flag BFN patients?

I had my tests and then met with Dr. B, who hugged me and expressed sorrow for the outcome. We met for a good chunk of time while she explained the statistics and the different factors that could have contributed to the failed transfer. In my case, she thinks it was more likely a genetic issue (with the embryo) as opposed to something with my uterus. She mentioned that there are other tests they can do to rule out uterine issues, but said that they usually don't do those unless there have been repeated failures (like 3 or more). She also asked whether we wanted to stick with a single embryo transfer still, which we do.

So what happens next? She said we can do another FET as soon as I'm ready. P and I have already talked and we would like to wait until after the holidays to do another transfer. Between work and finishing up my Masters degree and the holiday season approaching... it would just be much easier and less stressful to wait. The other factor to consider is that we're already planning a trip to Colorado next summer for my family reunion. At first we thought we'd be bringing a 6-8 week-old along. Now that that isn't going to be the case, I want to make sure that if I'm pregnant I will still be in the window to be able to travel. One of the nurses at the clinic looked it up for me and it sounds like doing a transfer any time in January would be okay (earlier in January would put me closer to 32 weeks at the time of the reunion - later in January would be more like 30 weeks).

Unfortunately the clinic doesn't have the transfer dates for January in their system yet, so I couldn't actually pick one today. But the nurses know that's what I'm aiming for so they will call as soon as the dates are available. Meanwhile, I'm off all meds for this month and supposed to call when I get my period again next month. Hopefully by then we'll have a transfer date and they'll decide about starting me back on the pill. Other than that, not much else to do but wait... Again.