I Feel Like a Terrible Person :(

Throughout my entire IF experience, I've tried to focus as much as possible on the positive.  Or at least NOT focus too much on the negative.  Some days I am more successful at this than others.  Today was not one of those days.  This is a post about the "ugly" side of IF and, in particular, being pregnant after going through IF.  Don't worry - there will be no complaints about pregnancy.  This is more about my mental state, which I'm ashamed to say, was in a terrible place today.

Some background:  I am the oldest grandchild on both sides of my family (my parents were both oldest children).  I was the first to get married (and the first to do just about everything else - drive a car, graduate college, etc).  So naturally I, and most of my family, assumed I would be the first to have a baby.  About 2 years ago, my cousins started getting married.  First, it was my step-cousin (my aunt's stepdaughter).  We're not super close, but still, it's family.  Then last summer, a boy cousin got married, followed by one of his brother's this past February.  This time last summer is when I was starting the roller coaster of tests and treatments.  So naturally, I started to panic about someone else having a baby before me.  A very selfish thing to think, but that's just how I felt.  And as time went on, and month after month passed with no success, I became obsessed with it.  I worried about family gatherings and whether or not someone else was going to strike with their happy news. 

At Christmas last year, I was in a very depressed state, mentally.  I'd failed 5 rounds of Clomid (despite seeing an improvement in my ovulation) and we were about to move to the next stage of things with the RE.  My dad took it upon himself over the holidays to have a talk with my Papa about our "situation" and to ask him to take it easy on us with the "when am I gonna be a Great Papa???" questions.  My dad's brother, Uncle K (a physician) had known for a while what we were going through.  Which left my dad's sister, Aunt K, out of the loop.  I decided to let her into the loop at Christmas and gave her a very brief update on things, something along the lines of "We've been trying and nothing is working and we're about to be referred to a specialist for more intensive treatment."  She was sad to hear of our struggles, and asked me to keep her posted on how things progressed.

Fast forward to now.  We are going to be seeing her, as well as some of Paul's family, this upcoming holiday week.  Once it seemed that this pregnancy was here to stay, we started planning when to tell various people.  Our parents and my brother (and Uncle K) already know, but we were planning to tell our grandparents and assorted aunts/uncles/cousins this weekend.  I'm 11 weeks 3 days and will be 12 weeks on Sunday, so it seems like we've waited an appropriate amount of time.  I have been looking forward to this, especially telling Aunt K since we will get to do that in person.

Today, Aunt K sent out a group Facebook message (to our family and several of her close friends) announcing that her stepdaughter is pregnant.  Due in February.  I am ashamed to say, I burst into tears.  It turns out, hearing that someone else is pregnant, even after finally getting pregnant myself, is still just as painful as before I got pregnant.  And this one, in particular, upset me way more than I would like to admit. 

1. I'm a hurt that my aunt didn't find another way to tell me - even a separate private message to me would have been nice.  She has not asked how I'm doing since January; and yes, I know the door swings both ways and I could have updated her.  But anyone who has been through IF treatments knows that it is exhausting enough trying to keep yourself and your spouse updated, let alone anyone else.  Not to mention, it is difficult enough to talk about, so the thought of writing regular "update" emails just to deliver more bad news is not exactly appealing.  But even without knowing where things stand with me right now, it would have been thoughtful to give me a heads up.  And now, it is obvious to everyone on that group message that I haven't replied.
2. I'm a little suspicious that this might not have been planned.  I could be totally wrong.  But my step-cousin is quite a bit younger, is still technically in college (she took a little longer than the traditional 4 years), and has not always been the most... responsible.  I mean who knows, maybe it isn't just a "happy accident" or whatever.  But if it isn't, then it likely means she got pregnant with no trouble at all.  And yes, that hurts.
3. This is the ugliest one of all:  I'm mad/upset/disappointed that I didn't get to announce mine first.  I'm due before she is!  And I had it all planned out and was SO looking forward to calling everyone this weekend and delivering the good news.  And now, no matter how I do it, it is going to sound like "Oh yeah, right.  So hey everyone - by the way, I'm pregnant too.  And I'm actually due first."  In a very, VERY selfish way, I'm mad that she's basically "stolen my thunder."  There.  I've admitted it.  The ugly truth.  

But I started this blog to be honest.  With myself more than anyone.  And I can honestly say, no matter how ugly or selfish it sounds, that IS how I feel.  And yes, I shut my door at work and had a full-on cry for about 10 minutes while instant-messaging B.  And I hardly ever cry at work, especially about personal life things.  And now I'm ashamed.  I feel like the worst person ever.  Will it ever not be painful to hear that someone else is pregnant?  Will I ever just feel joy for them, without that little tinge of jealousy and outrage that they did it so easily?