Part 22: BFN.

I had my beta HCG test on a Thursday, exactly 2 weeks after my first IUI.  I got the call that afternoon at work.  BFN.  If you aren't familiar with IF slang, that stands for Big Fat Negative.  Although I've seen a few other, uh... suggestions for the "F" in that acronym.  I wasn't actually by my phone when the call came, which was kind of a good thing.  Because then I was able to wait to listen to the message until I was ready.  I already had a bad feeling about it.  I mainly didn't want to hear bad news sitting in my office which I share with my co-worker (S) who, at the time, was about 7 months pregnant.  S knew about my situation and had always been sensitive and supportive.  Nevertheless, there are some things you just can't put yourself through and for me, finding out the (possibly negative) results of my pregnancy test was NOT something I could do sitting 4 feet from a very pregnant friend. 

The message was from Cookie.  She didn't beat around the bush.  She said that unfortunately, she wasn't calling with good news, my test was negative and Dr. B wanted me to stop all medications and wait for my period to arrive.  She said to call back if I had questions.  I felt the tears sting my eyes and I fought to keep from letting them go.  I don't like to cry anywhere, and especially not at work.  I didn't want to have to explain to everyone why I was crying.  Eventually I would cry - but I wanted to be at home with Paul when that happened.  I sent him a quick text message, three words:  Test was negative.  He said he was sorry and asked if I was ok.  I said no and that I couldn't call him then because I didn't want to lose it.  I sat at my desk for a few minutes and focused on slowing my breathing.  Then, when the coast seemed clear, I darted down the hall to the bathroom.  I spent a good 10 minutes holed up in a stall with a wet paper towel over my eyes before I emerged, hoping that the redness had dissipated.

Later that evening, I cried while Paul rubbed my back and tried to console me.  When I was all cried out, I did the one thing I knew to do to help myself move on.  I got on the computer and started reading about IVF.  I also did a little research on IUI success rates - something I hadn't actually looked up yet.  Turns out, IUI success rates are not very high.  In fact, they're actually lower than IVF.  Most reports gave rates in the range of 5-20%.  I was surprised, but oddly comforted.  Somehow it felt less like my fault knowing that it had been unlikely to succeed in the first place.  And it made me feel much better about starting IVF - something that had a better chance of success.