It's time. In less than 2 weeks, I will have a 5 month-old son. It is time for me to stop making excuses and get serious about losing some weight and getting into shape. I've been slacking off in this department for a while now. It's time to stop.
In the first 2-3 weeks after Nathan was born, I lost a chunk of the baby weight pretty quickly. It was encouraging. I thought I was going to be one of those lucky ones who loses it all just by breastfeeding. But then I hit a plateau. And then, I started to inch back up a bit. It soon became apparent that I wasn't going to be one of those lucky ones after all. Bummer. But I was not in a hurry. I figured I had plenty of time to turn things around again. And for a few weeks, towards the end of my maternity leave, I did pretty well. I worked out at least 30 minutes a day and took Nathan for as many walks as I could (weather permitting). But then we went on vacation. And then I went back to work. And Nathan decided to quit sleeping for a week or so. And suddenly, I had no time/energy/desire to exercise.
I've tried to be mindful of my eating habits. But I've also used breastfeeding to justify (at least to myself) an extra helping of this or a super-size that or just-one-more-piece-of-chocolate. While it is true that you do need to take in more calories when breastfeeding then not, I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean doughnuts and lattes and peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's. I know what healthy eating is, and I'm not doing it.
I was going through pictures from this weekend, and for the first time in my life, I'm truly embarrassed to post any of them. I know I've put on weight over the past few years. Stress + infertility treatments + pregnancy + life with a newborn = approximately 30-40 pounds heavier than when I got married. I just didn't realize (or have apparently been in denial) about how obvious it is. I guess I didn't really feel that much bigger. Or if I did, I was quick to cut myself some slack. After all, weight gain is a side effect of all those drugs I took to get pregnant, right? And everyone gains weight when pregnant. And I just had a baby, so of course I'm still carrying a little extra here and there... Totally normal, right?
But it's time to stop the excuses. It's time to make being healthy a priority again. It isn't just about the weight. It's about getting stronger and taking control of a body that has been out of my control for a while now. It's about setting a good example for my son. It's about looking forward to pictures with him, and not being embarrassed to post them or hang them in frames. It's about feeling better and not lying to myself anymore.
I'm ready. I want to do this. I need to do this. It's time for change.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Checking In
I haven't posted much lately because, well... several reasons actually. For one, things have been busy and they are about to get even busier. Also, our home internet service has been giving us fits. We've had to call and report the SAME issue 4 times now. And they have sent 4 different technicians out to "fix" the issue, but with no resolution. Or at least not one that lasts. I would seriously love to drop their crappy service and go with a different provider, but unfortunately there aren't many choices out where we live. Anyway, that has interfered with time that I might otherwise have squeezed in a post.
But mostly, while I have lots of random ideas and thoughts about things I would like to post, I'm having issues getting any of it to solidify into actual, coherent sentences. For instance, here are topics I've thought about posting on lately:
In the meantime, here are a few quick updates:
But mostly, while I have lots of random ideas and thoughts about things I would like to post, I'm having issues getting any of it to solidify into actual, coherent sentences. For instance, here are topics I've thought about posting on lately:
- My first real Mother's Day (I was barely pregnant last year and terrified that it wouldn't last, so that doesn't count!).
- My reaction to an article in a women's magazine about so-called "social infertility" and egg preservation.
- Navigating friendships with those who are still in the throes of treatment after having finally gotten pregnant and delivered my take-home baby.
- Parenting after infertility - and dealing with the inevitable "So when are you going to have #2???" comments from others.
- Sleep training.
- Grandparents.
- Working and pumping and supply issues.
In the meantime, here are a few quick updates:
- Nathan had his 4 month check-up today. He is 11 pounds 9 ounces (5th-10th percentile for weight) and 25.25 inches (50th-60th percentile for height). The doctor said that as much as Nathan moves and wiggles, he is burning calories like crazy and unlikely to "bulk up" any time soon.
- He smiles and laughs a lot, and is quite the little flirt when we are out in public.
- He has been rolling front-to-back for over a month now, and is so very close to rolling back-to-front. I would say he gets about 80% of the way there, but can't quite figure out his arms to finish it out.
- He drools and slobbers and chews on anything and everything he can reach. He's been chewing/sucking on his toes for a week or so now and it's really funny - he looks like a little pretzel. No teeth yet, but you can see where some are starting to get close...
- He likes his bouncy chair, carseat, jungle mat, bumbo-type chair, the stroller, lion mat, and just about any where else you want to put him. But he does like to change it up frequently throughout the day. His favorite toys are his glow worm, a Sophie the Giraffe chew ring, his plastic keys, and a stuffed monkey that detaches from his jungle mat. He's also started paying more attention when we read books - he touches the pages and looks at the pictures and "talks" to his reflection in the mirror book.
- He takes at least one good, long nap each day (usually in the morning) and a couple other shorter ones after that, depending on what we're doing. At night, he sleeps anywhere from 6-8 hours straight. Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of that stretch, but usually goes back to sleep without a feeding or any major intervention. He still won't sleep in his crib at night, but we've got him taking some naps in there now (on his side, which helps to minimize the flailing and startling) so we're hoping he will transition back soon.
- He has recently dropped down to 6-7 feedings a day, going about 3-4 hours between feedings during the day (and up to 8 hours some nights). We've adjusted the volume of each feeding accordingly, so he now takes about 4 ounces a feed in a bottle (I still nurse 2-3 times each 24-hour period, depending on schedule). We won't be starting solid foods until he is 6 months, but I think he's definitely going to be ready. He stares at our food now and watches spoons and forks.
- He knows when I'm around but not holding him. When I took him on our mini road trip to visit my family a couple weeks ago, he was fine being passed around to everyone. But he was always looking to see where I was, particularly if he could hear my voice but I wasn't in his direct line of vision. And one time, he even got fussy until they handed him back. We obviously don't want to raise a baby that is scared of strangers (or other relatives), but it still makes me a little bit pleased to know that he "recognizes" me and feels safe when I'm around :)
Thursday, May 16, 2013
I Am...
- TIRED. Going back to work has taken me to a whole new level of exhaustion - worse than when I as pregnant and not sleeping, and worse even than when Nathan was brand new. I want to sleep. For a very, very long time. An entire 24-hour day, perhaps. I think I could. I fantasize about sleep and try to think of ways to get more of it. If I could just go to bed when Nathan goes to bed, it might be better. But instead, I go into hyper-drive-super-productive mode as soon as he's tucked for the night. I get ready for the next day (program the coffee, make my lunch and breakfast, lay out my clothes, prepare his supplies for whomever will be taking care of him, pack up my bags for work, etc). I try to do a small chore if I can (load/unload the dishwasher, throw in some laundry, take out the trash or recycling). And I pump one last time before bed. Most nights, Nathan only gets up once or maybe twice, which isn't bad. But still, my alarm goes off between 4:45-5:00 most mornings. I have to get up before he does because that is the only way I can get ready for the day with any efficiency, which means I'm only getting 5-6 hours total (with at least one interruption). I want to sleep...
- HAPPY. I love watching my little boy grow and develop. I love when he smiles and laughs. I love when he does something new. I love taking him places. I love playing with him and reading books. I love spending time with just our little family. I cannot imagine our life without him.
- NERVOUS. This weekend I am taking Nathan on our first mommy-and-son trip to visit my family in the southern part of the state. We are leaving tomorrow afternoon and will come back Sunday night. Paul is working a 48-hour shift during most of that time and won't be home until Monday morning. So for the next 3 days straight (more or less) it will be just me and Nathan. I know that there are plenty of single parents out there who do this all the time. I am in awe of them. I know we will be fine and will have a good time. But I'm still just a tiny bit nervous...
- CRABBY. All the sleep deprivation and stress and craziness of life right now is taking a toll on my emotions. I'm ashamed to admit that I've been kind of a b*&%$ lately. I know I take it out on Paul too much, and I need to stop. I do try to apologize for it. I just really need to find other ways of decompressing. I need to find time to squeeze in a short walk by myself, or do some yoga stretching, or read a book. The idea of finding that time right now stresses me out, but I have to do it. I'm starting to get on my own nerves with the crabby...
- EXCITED. It's almost summer. And while I'm not in education or anything like that where I get the summer off, we do have some fun stuff planned. The first Sunday in June is the cancer walk that my place of work sponsors. I can't wait to take Nathan in his stroller this year! And that afternoon, we're going to a baseball game courtesy of free tickets we received. My birthday is 2 days after that (maybe I will get a birthday NAP!) and the following weekend is Nathan's baptism. My parents will be coming into town for that and we have plans for a big BBQ and celebration. In July I'm traveling to the Washington D.C. area for work to attend a two-day workshop, which I'm actually pretty excited about. And as soon as I get back from that, we will be leaving for Colorado for my family reunion/vacation. We will also be stopping along the way to visit my best friend, her husband, and their little boy who is about 10 weeks older than Nathan. And then later in August, we are going to another baseball game. On top of all that, it's gardening season and I'm really excited to get ours going and start making baby food around the time Nathan is old enough to try it. We're also going to enroll him in swim lessons as soon as he hits 6 months, and I am looking forward to those.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Schedules, Routines, and Calendars... Oh My!
I have been back at work for 2.5 weeks now and things are slowly getting better... It's hard to say that we're falling into a routine yet, but that's mostly because the "routine" is different every day of the week (and varies from week to week)! Depending on Paul's shift schedule, in the mornings I am either: a) getting up with Nathan and taking him to daycare, b) getting up with Nathan and waiting for Paul to get off shift and take over while I go to work, or c) getting up and going to work on the days Paul is at home in the morning.
If it's a Monday or Thursday, going to work for me means working on my couch. However, if it's a daycare day, I do have to at least get him ready and dress myself in something other than my pajamas to drop him off. If it's a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Friday, going to work means the office. Those are definitely the hardest days. If Paul is home on those days, I can more or less just get myself ready and maybe stop to nurse Nathan if he happens to wake up before I leave. If Paul is coming off shift and not home yet, I can sometimes get up with Nathan and wait for Paul to get home before I leave. But if I have an early meeting that doesn't work, so on those days my father-in-law comes over around 6:30 a.m. to watch Nathan so I can finish getting ready and leave.
The worst days are when Paul has just left for his shift (usually around 5:30-5:45 a.m.) and I have to get myself AND Nathan ready by 6:45 a.m. so I can drop him off when daycare opens at 7:00 and then battle the worst of rush hour traffic heading into the city. Today was actually the first time I did that, and I'm rather proud to say that I had him dropped off and was on the road by 7:20 a.m. Not bad! Of course, traffic was HORRID and I was still late for my first meeting of the day. Oh well...
And then there are the random extra days that Paul works each month (usually 2-3 extra shifts) when we have to figure out something else entirely to do with Nathan if it occurs on a weekday. We're only contracted with daycare for Nathan to be there on Paul's regular shift days. This month we have 2 of those days and I think we've got my in-laws lined up to help out both times. It's a lot to keep track of though, so the other night I actually made out a calendar for the entire month of May. I even color-coded it for different people/caretakers! It was kind of overwhelming, but I'm glad I did it because it's really nice to have everything figured out and not have keep playing the "what's the plan for tomorrow" game each night.
As far as Nathan's schedule goes... Right now he's all over the place. Unfortunately, that's probably mostly due to the fact that our routine is different every day. The days he is home with Paul, he does have somewhat of a regular schedule (although the actual times vary). But at daycare he's still getting adjusted and doesn't really follow his "home" schedule much. For instance, at home he usually eats about 3 times while I'm at work (every 3-4 hours) and takes at least a couple of longer naps (1-3 hours each). But at daycare, he seems to want to eat more like every 2 hours and takes several shorter naps (30-45 minutes). I think he'll eventually settle down at daycare more, once he gets used to it and isn't so distracted by everything being new to him there. In the meantime, I'm having a bit of a hard time keeping up my supply to meet his demand on those daycare days!
The other schedule we're having trouble with right now is nighttime sleep. He's kind of a mess right now (as are we!). Everything had been fine and great (averaging 1 wake-up per night to be fed) until he started thinking about rolling back-to-front. He still hasn't quite made it yet, but we've had to stop swaddling him in his sleep-sacks at night just in case. As a result, he flails and thrashes and wakes himself up. My first week back to work, he was waking up every 45 minutes or so ALL NIGHT LONG. Then we got desperate and started putting him in either his swing or his rock 'n play after the second or third wake-up. And miraculously, he slept in those. So then our routine was to put him in his crib after his bedtime feeding and let him sleep in there as long as he could (usually 1-3 hours for the first stretch). Then when he woke up the first time, we would move him into his rock 'n play and he would go back to sleep until it was time for his usual middle-of-the-night feeding (somewhere between 2:00-4:00 a.m.).
But just this week, he's started refusing to go down in his crib. I'm not sure what that's all about, but I have noticed that he's definitely been more awake than usual at bedtime. Before, we would change him, put on his pajamas, feed him, and read a story. And by the end, he'd be at least 50% out and we could lay him in the crib to fall the rest of the way asleep. But this week, when we get to the end of story time, he's still wide awake and looking around. And as soon as we try to lay him in the crib, he starts kicking and thrashing and gets really mad. Like, not just a little fussy but full-on screaming mad. Before this week, he would sometimes lay in his crib partially awake but calm and drowsy, and maybe even fuss a bit (no more than 5 minutes) before falling asleep. Those days are gone... apparently. Now if we try to let him fuss it out in the crib, he just gets madder and madder and works himself up until he is no longer calm and drowsy but WIDE AWAKE AND ANGRY.
So now we are letting him sleep in the rock 'n play pretty much all night long. We still try the crib right at first, but if he's still awake 30-45 minutes later and not calming down, we move him. Except tonight, I will admit that I accepted defeat after only 10-15 minutes. Paul is not home and I just survived my first day of daycare drop-off followed by a horrid commute to the office. I am tired and just didn't feel like battling it out for longer :)
Is it ideal to be regressing back to the rock 'n play after he slept in his crib just fine (swaddled) for the past 2 months? Not really. But is it better than having a super cranky baby and parents because no one is getting any sleep at night for days on end? Yes. And in fact, he's actually sleeping so well in there that last night, he went 7.5 hours straight with NO wake-ups! I actually woke up to Paul's alarm clock this morning (and boobs leaking all over because they're not used to going that long!). So at the end of the day, you gotta do what you gotta do. We'll get back to the crib someday, but for now, he's happy in his rock 'n play. It keeps him snuggled in a little more than the crib, so he can't flail as much. Eventually he'll outgrow the startling and flailing and then maybe he'll be ready for his crib again...
If it's a Monday or Thursday, going to work for me means working on my couch. However, if it's a daycare day, I do have to at least get him ready and dress myself in something other than my pajamas to drop him off. If it's a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Friday, going to work means the office. Those are definitely the hardest days. If Paul is home on those days, I can more or less just get myself ready and maybe stop to nurse Nathan if he happens to wake up before I leave. If Paul is coming off shift and not home yet, I can sometimes get up with Nathan and wait for Paul to get home before I leave. But if I have an early meeting that doesn't work, so on those days my father-in-law comes over around 6:30 a.m. to watch Nathan so I can finish getting ready and leave.
The worst days are when Paul has just left for his shift (usually around 5:30-5:45 a.m.) and I have to get myself AND Nathan ready by 6:45 a.m. so I can drop him off when daycare opens at 7:00 and then battle the worst of rush hour traffic heading into the city. Today was actually the first time I did that, and I'm rather proud to say that I had him dropped off and was on the road by 7:20 a.m. Not bad! Of course, traffic was HORRID and I was still late for my first meeting of the day. Oh well...
And then there are the random extra days that Paul works each month (usually 2-3 extra shifts) when we have to figure out something else entirely to do with Nathan if it occurs on a weekday. We're only contracted with daycare for Nathan to be there on Paul's regular shift days. This month we have 2 of those days and I think we've got my in-laws lined up to help out both times. It's a lot to keep track of though, so the other night I actually made out a calendar for the entire month of May. I even color-coded it for different people/caretakers! It was kind of overwhelming, but I'm glad I did it because it's really nice to have everything figured out and not have keep playing the "what's the plan for tomorrow" game each night.
As far as Nathan's schedule goes... Right now he's all over the place. Unfortunately, that's probably mostly due to the fact that our routine is different every day. The days he is home with Paul, he does have somewhat of a regular schedule (although the actual times vary). But at daycare he's still getting adjusted and doesn't really follow his "home" schedule much. For instance, at home he usually eats about 3 times while I'm at work (every 3-4 hours) and takes at least a couple of longer naps (1-3 hours each). But at daycare, he seems to want to eat more like every 2 hours and takes several shorter naps (30-45 minutes). I think he'll eventually settle down at daycare more, once he gets used to it and isn't so distracted by everything being new to him there. In the meantime, I'm having a bit of a hard time keeping up my supply to meet his demand on those daycare days!
The other schedule we're having trouble with right now is nighttime sleep. He's kind of a mess right now (as are we!). Everything had been fine and great (averaging 1 wake-up per night to be fed) until he started thinking about rolling back-to-front. He still hasn't quite made it yet, but we've had to stop swaddling him in his sleep-sacks at night just in case. As a result, he flails and thrashes and wakes himself up. My first week back to work, he was waking up every 45 minutes or so ALL NIGHT LONG. Then we got desperate and started putting him in either his swing or his rock 'n play after the second or third wake-up. And miraculously, he slept in those. So then our routine was to put him in his crib after his bedtime feeding and let him sleep in there as long as he could (usually 1-3 hours for the first stretch). Then when he woke up the first time, we would move him into his rock 'n play and he would go back to sleep until it was time for his usual middle-of-the-night feeding (somewhere between 2:00-4:00 a.m.).
But just this week, he's started refusing to go down in his crib. I'm not sure what that's all about, but I have noticed that he's definitely been more awake than usual at bedtime. Before, we would change him, put on his pajamas, feed him, and read a story. And by the end, he'd be at least 50% out and we could lay him in the crib to fall the rest of the way asleep. But this week, when we get to the end of story time, he's still wide awake and looking around. And as soon as we try to lay him in the crib, he starts kicking and thrashing and gets really mad. Like, not just a little fussy but full-on screaming mad. Before this week, he would sometimes lay in his crib partially awake but calm and drowsy, and maybe even fuss a bit (no more than 5 minutes) before falling asleep. Those days are gone... apparently. Now if we try to let him fuss it out in the crib, he just gets madder and madder and works himself up until he is no longer calm and drowsy but WIDE AWAKE AND ANGRY.
So now we are letting him sleep in the rock 'n play pretty much all night long. We still try the crib right at first, but if he's still awake 30-45 minutes later and not calming down, we move him. Except tonight, I will admit that I accepted defeat after only 10-15 minutes. Paul is not home and I just survived my first day of daycare drop-off followed by a horrid commute to the office. I am tired and just didn't feel like battling it out for longer :)
Is it ideal to be regressing back to the rock 'n play after he slept in his crib just fine (swaddled) for the past 2 months? Not really. But is it better than having a super cranky baby and parents because no one is getting any sleep at night for days on end? Yes. And in fact, he's actually sleeping so well in there that last night, he went 7.5 hours straight with NO wake-ups! I actually woke up to Paul's alarm clock this morning (and boobs leaking all over because they're not used to going that long!). So at the end of the day, you gotta do what you gotta do. We'll get back to the crib someday, but for now, he's happy in his rock 'n play. It keeps him snuggled in a little more than the crib, so he can't flail as much. Eventually he'll outgrow the startling and flailing and then maybe he'll be ready for his crib again...
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Happy Flash Day!
One year ago today, our little embryo was transferred into my uterus. The doctor told us to watch for the "flash" on the ultrasound screen when he/she was injected through the catheter. This picture is from the exact moment that the embryo "landed" in my uterus:
The bright white splotch at the left end of the catheter line is the embryo, whom we dubbed "Flash."
And here is Flash today...
The bright white splotch at the left end of the catheter line is the embryo, whom we dubbed "Flash."
And here is Flash today...
Monday, April 22, 2013
A Year in Review
One year ago today I went in for my egg retrieval. By that point, I had the following under my belt already...
What a difference a year can make.
- 1 HSG & 1 SSH
- 6 cycles of Clomid including 1 with an HCG trigger followed by IUI and endometrin
- 3 weeks of BCPs in preparation for IVF #1 (which was canceled)
- 13 shots of Lupron
- 6 shots of Bravelle & 6 shots of Menopur
- 4 shots of Ganirelix
- 1 shot of HCG
- 7 ultrasounds to check for follicles
- Too many blood draws to count!
- 18 were mature & underwent ICSI
- 11 fertilized
- 7 began to grow & develop
- 1 big, healthy-looking blastocyst was transferred on April 27, 2012
- 6 remaining embryos were frozen
- 10 weeks of endometrin
- 3 weeks of PIO shots
- 1 week of Lovenox shots
- 2 pelvic taps to drain 1400 & 800 ml of fluid respectively (due to OHSS)
- 9 OB ultrasounds
- 3 yeast infections (yuck!)
- 2 glucose tolerance tests
- 1 screening for clotting disorders
- Multiple doctor's appointments & more blood draws
- 1 balloon catheter
- 3 attempts to break my water
- 15+ hours of labor including 1 hour 20 minutes of pushing...
What a difference a year can make.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Back to Work & Other Transitions
It has been an interesting week... to say the least. The events in Boston hit a little closer to home in that my parents were actually in Boston at the time, visiting my brother who lives in the area, and knew people who were running in the marathon. In addition, I have colleagues at all of the major hospitals where victims were taken. Everyone I know of is okay, but it has been unnerving to watch the news coverage all week and recognize so many familiar sights.
In other news, I returned to work this week. So far it's been... okay. My new schedule allows me to work from home 2 days a week - Mondays and Thursdays. During the week, if Paul is not on shift, Nathan is with him. This means I will still get to see and interact with him some the weeks that Paul is home on Mondays and Thursdays. On his shift days (which are different each week) Nathan will go to daycare. This week only, I asked my boss to switch my work-from-home days to the days Paul was on shift (Tuesday and Friday). I wanted to be close by for Nathan's first couple days at daycare in case something went majorly wrong or I forgot something, etc. He did just fine at daycare, and I actually didn't cry dropping him off either day. But I think that's mostly because I did all my crying over the weekend leading up to my return to work. I cried a little Sunday night, but had already had a really big, ugly cry Friday night on our way back home from vacation. Work itself has been fine this week. I started out feeling a little overwhelmed (1800+ emails waiting in my inbox Monday morning!). But things settled down a bit as the week passed. I'm definitely busy already, but I'm feeling more organized having read/sorted/deleted most of the emails and met with my boss and others who were covering for me.
Actually, the things that made this week the most challenging were the weather and an extreme lack of sleep. We got an obscene amount of rain over the course of the week and there has been mass flooding throughout the greater metropolitan area. Of course, the two worst days were also two days that I was supposed to be in the office. The rain wreaked havoc on my commute and made for much longer and more stressful days than I would have liked my first week back. In addition, Nathan is going through his worst sleep regression thus far. Up until recently, he's been on a pretty solid schedule of bed time between 8:30 and 9:00, one wake-up to eat between 2:00 and 4:00, and a morning wake-up of 6:30-7:00. And then he started showing signs of starting to roll. He can already roll onto his back when he's doing tummy time. Last week we started finding him on his side in his pack 'n play on vacation after laying him down to sleep on his back. Thus, we've had to un-swaddle his arms at night. And as a result, he now wakes himself up (arms flailing) several times a night. The first couple of nights were awful - he was up almost every hour. And it wasn't hunger... I even tried feeding him a few times hoping to help calm him down, but he wanted nothing to do with eating. Even when we did get him back to sleep, he'd startle himself awake again an hour later. It has SLOWLY gotten a little better throughout the week, but we're still not back to where we were. Between the constant sleep interruptions and having to get myself up much earlier for work, I'm mostly running on empty. Bad timing that this had to happen the week I returned to work, but not much we can do about it!
Even so, it hasn't been a terrible week. It is definitely a challenge to get myself ready and out the door while taking care of a newborn. And I have yet to tackle getting ready AND getting him ready for daycare in the same morning... So far either Paul has been home, I've been working from home, or Paul's dad has come over to stay with Nathan for the hour between when I leave for work and Paul comes off shift. But then again, the lack of a consistent schedule from day to day (or even week to week) is part of the challenge as well. I just keep reminding myself that things will get better with practice. And I'm trying to do more planning and organizing ahead. It's tough at night when I really just want to go to bed, but taking the time to program the coffee maker, prepare my breakfast smoothie, pack my lunch, and collect my work bags (laptop/purse bag and pumping supplies) the night before really does make it easier in the mornings. Especially those mornings when Paul is still at work and I've got an infant to entertain while I get ready!
All in all, it's been a learning week for me. Transitions of any kind are often hard on some level. This is no different. Some of this is just a phase, and this too shall pass. If nothing else, the tragedy in Boston has reminded me to look for the positives - the happy spots - in the midst of the chaos and exhaustion. Every time I come home from work, or pick Nathan up from daycare, and see his big, happy grin... I'm reminded that he is worth every bit of this journey.
In other news, I returned to work this week. So far it's been... okay. My new schedule allows me to work from home 2 days a week - Mondays and Thursdays. During the week, if Paul is not on shift, Nathan is with him. This means I will still get to see and interact with him some the weeks that Paul is home on Mondays and Thursdays. On his shift days (which are different each week) Nathan will go to daycare. This week only, I asked my boss to switch my work-from-home days to the days Paul was on shift (Tuesday and Friday). I wanted to be close by for Nathan's first couple days at daycare in case something went majorly wrong or I forgot something, etc. He did just fine at daycare, and I actually didn't cry dropping him off either day. But I think that's mostly because I did all my crying over the weekend leading up to my return to work. I cried a little Sunday night, but had already had a really big, ugly cry Friday night on our way back home from vacation. Work itself has been fine this week. I started out feeling a little overwhelmed (1800+ emails waiting in my inbox Monday morning!). But things settled down a bit as the week passed. I'm definitely busy already, but I'm feeling more organized having read/sorted/deleted most of the emails and met with my boss and others who were covering for me.
Actually, the things that made this week the most challenging were the weather and an extreme lack of sleep. We got an obscene amount of rain over the course of the week and there has been mass flooding throughout the greater metropolitan area. Of course, the two worst days were also two days that I was supposed to be in the office. The rain wreaked havoc on my commute and made for much longer and more stressful days than I would have liked my first week back. In addition, Nathan is going through his worst sleep regression thus far. Up until recently, he's been on a pretty solid schedule of bed time between 8:30 and 9:00, one wake-up to eat between 2:00 and 4:00, and a morning wake-up of 6:30-7:00. And then he started showing signs of starting to roll. He can already roll onto his back when he's doing tummy time. Last week we started finding him on his side in his pack 'n play on vacation after laying him down to sleep on his back. Thus, we've had to un-swaddle his arms at night. And as a result, he now wakes himself up (arms flailing) several times a night. The first couple of nights were awful - he was up almost every hour. And it wasn't hunger... I even tried feeding him a few times hoping to help calm him down, but he wanted nothing to do with eating. Even when we did get him back to sleep, he'd startle himself awake again an hour later. It has SLOWLY gotten a little better throughout the week, but we're still not back to where we were. Between the constant sleep interruptions and having to get myself up much earlier for work, I'm mostly running on empty. Bad timing that this had to happen the week I returned to work, but not much we can do about it!
Even so, it hasn't been a terrible week. It is definitely a challenge to get myself ready and out the door while taking care of a newborn. And I have yet to tackle getting ready AND getting him ready for daycare in the same morning... So far either Paul has been home, I've been working from home, or Paul's dad has come over to stay with Nathan for the hour between when I leave for work and Paul comes off shift. But then again, the lack of a consistent schedule from day to day (or even week to week) is part of the challenge as well. I just keep reminding myself that things will get better with practice. And I'm trying to do more planning and organizing ahead. It's tough at night when I really just want to go to bed, but taking the time to program the coffee maker, prepare my breakfast smoothie, pack my lunch, and collect my work bags (laptop/purse bag and pumping supplies) the night before really does make it easier in the mornings. Especially those mornings when Paul is still at work and I've got an infant to entertain while I get ready!
All in all, it's been a learning week for me. Transitions of any kind are often hard on some level. This is no different. Some of this is just a phase, and this too shall pass. If nothing else, the tragedy in Boston has reminded me to look for the positives - the happy spots - in the midst of the chaos and exhaustion. Every time I come home from work, or pick Nathan up from daycare, and see his big, happy grin... I'm reminded that he is worth every bit of this journey.
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