I Am...

• TIRED. Going back to work has taken me to a whole new level of exhaustion - worse than when I as pregnant and not sleeping, and worse even than when Nathan was brand new. I want to sleep. For a very, very long time. An entire 24-hour day, perhaps. I think I could. I fantasize about sleep and try to think of ways to get more of it. If I could just go to bed when Nathan goes to bed, it might be better. But instead, I go into hyper-drive-super-productive mode as soon as he's tucked for the night. I get ready for the next day (program the coffee, make my lunch and breakfast, lay out my clothes, prepare his supplies for whomever will be taking care of him, pack up my bags for work, etc). I try to do a small chore if I can (load/unload the dishwasher, throw in some laundry, take out the trash or recycling). And I pump one last time before bed. Most nights, Nathan only gets up once or maybe twice, which isn't bad. But still, my alarm goes off between 4:45-5:00 most mornings. I have to get up before he does because that is the only way I can get ready for the day with any efficiency, which means I'm only getting 5-6 hours total (with at least one interruption). I want to sleep...
• HAPPY. I love watching my little boy grow and develop. I love when he smiles and laughs. I love when he does something new. I love taking him places. I love playing with him and reading books. I love spending time with just our little family. I cannot imagine our life without him.
• NERVOUS. This weekend I am taking Nathan on our first mommy-and-son trip to visit my family in the southern part of the state. We are leaving tomorrow afternoon and will come back Sunday night. Paul is working a 48-hour shift during most of that time and won't be home until Monday morning. So for the next 3 days straight (more or less) it will be just me and Nathan. I know that there are plenty of single parents out there who do this all the time. I am in awe of them. I know we will be fine and will have a good time. But I'm still just a tiny bit nervous...
• CRABBY. All the sleep deprivation and stress and craziness of life right now is taking a toll on my emotions. I'm ashamed to admit that I've been kind of a b*&%$ lately. I know I take it out on Paul too much, and I need to stop. I do try to apologize for it. I just really need to find other ways of decompressing. I need to find time to squeeze in a short walk by myself, or do some yoga stretching, or read a book. The idea of finding that time right now stresses me out, but I have to do it. I'm starting to get on my own nerves with the crabby...
• EXCITED. It's almost summer. And while I'm not in education or anything like that where I get the summer off, we do have some fun stuff planned. The first Sunday in June is the cancer walk that my place of work sponsors. I can't wait to take Nathan in his stroller this year! And that afternoon, we're going to a baseball game courtesy of free tickets we received. My birthday is 2 days after that (maybe I will get a birthday NAP!) and the following weekend is Nathan's baptism. My parents will be coming into town for that and we have plans for a big BBQ and celebration. In July I'm traveling to the Washington D.C. area for work to attend a two-day workshop, which I'm actually pretty excited about. And as soon as I get back from that, we will be leaving for Colorado for my family reunion/vacation. We will also be stopping along the way to visit my best friend, her husband, and their little boy who is about 10 weeks older than Nathan. And then later in August, we are going to another baseball game. On top of all that, it's gardening season and I'm really excited to get ours going and start making baby food around the time Nathan is old enough to try it. We're also going to enroll him in swim lessons as soon as he hits 6 months, and I am looking forward to those.

I am lots of things these days. I'm all over the place. I have so many thoughts of things I want to write about or think about or do. But there are simply not enough minutes in the day. I believe things will get better as I get better and better at our routine(s), but for now... it's all a bit crazy. And did I mention,? I'm really... REALLY... tired.