Limbo... Again

If I had to pick one word to describe my IF journey (besides all the obvious ones), it would be LIMBO. I feel like much of our lives for the past six years have been in limbo. It's hard to plan a life around "maybe someday hopefully" being pregnant and/or having a newborn. And it's even harder now with N because I don't want to feel like we're also putting things in his life on hold as a result. There are things we want to do - with him and as a family. Like... travel internationally. I had the unique opportunity to do this with my parents and brother as a kid and that experience forever changed me in how I see this world. I would LOVE to be able to do that with him in a few years, but it would be much easier to not also have to juggle a much younger sibling. Ya know?

I want another baby. I really, really do. But this IF roller coaster is getting old and I am starting to want off of it. Last month I thought we had a new plan and we were all set to execute it in June. In fact, according to that plan, I should already be taking the stims to "trick" my body into preparing for a baby. The idea was to trigger this weekend or maybe early next week and do the transfer next week. But apparently my body had other plans. I took my last pill May 18th and fully expected to get my period the end of that week, if not by the start of the following week.

And yet here I am... still waiting. According to my RE's nurse, we would have counted out about 18 days from day 1 of that period and then started me on Lupron (after confirming ovulation). That should have put me on track to do the transfer late next week or possibly the week after (it's less of an exact schedule with this particular treatment plan since it really depends on how your body responds). Now it's been 25 days since I stopped the pill, which means I may get my period sometime this week. But if I do, then we'd be looking at a July transfer, which gets tricky.

I am speaking at conference the 3rd week in July and we leave for a 2 week family vacation the following Tuesday, returning in August. I'm not sure there's enough time to squeeze in a transfer in mid-July (at the earliest?) and then do all that. Especially since it's extremely doubtful I'd get to my beta before we left. Or if I did, I'd still have to have follow-up ones while we're gone... Really either way it would suck. If beta #1 happened right before or early in our trip and was BFN, it would totally ruin vacation. If beta #2 was BFP I'd be on pins and needles all throughout vacation (not to mention the logistics of finding a lab while deep in the Rocky Mountains), so that sounds like a bad plan. And if beta #2 was BFN then... well, we know how that would pan out. Basically, there's the potential to ruin a vacation that we've been planning for over a year, and I'm really not sure I want to take that risk.

So where does that leave us? Waiting until August to... start over? Somehow starting a cycle in late July (and hoping there aren't any required lab trips while we're gone)? We will soon be at the 1 year mark for TTC#2 and I really, really wanted to be done by now. Done as in, I want to have our answer about whether or not there will be another baby. If the answer is no, I will be sad. I'll need time to mourn and process. But then we'll finally be free to move forward with our lives and our family of three. If the answer is yes, we'll be overjoyed. But we'll also be able to plan accordingly for the upcoming months. There will be a due date and we'll know when to schedule things like travel and other commitments.

But for now, we're still in limbo. I've avoided calling my RE's office to report on the lack of period - partially because I assumed they would call when they didn't hear from me around when I stopped the pill, and partially because I am dreading having to make a decision about what to do. But I think it's probably time to bite the bullet and call? I just wish I knew the best way to proceed...