A New Plan

I've been feeling a little... melancholy lately. Partially I'm sure it's the fact that we're a third of the way into the month of April and it's STILL SNOWING about every other day. But partially I'm just feeling very aware of the passage of time. It's been almost 9 months since we returned to the RE's clinic for round 2 of the baby train. If FET #1 had worked, I would be nearly 30 weeks pregnant by now. If FET #2 hadn't ended... like it did... I'd be 9 weeks pregnant and maybe even have a tiny bump. Meanwhile, I've been bombarded in the last few days with baby-related news. A colleague of mine that I hadn't seen recently had her first less than 2 years ago and is apparently due again in June. A friend from back home delivered her third this morning. And I learned on FB today that one of my best friends from college is expecting #3 the end of this summer.

It's not that their news bothers me the way it did before we had N. Back then, it was literally painful to hear someone else's baby news. Now it's different. There's a bit of jealousy, as in wanting to be able to say "me too" when someone says they're pregnant. But there's also a sadness. Especially now that we had that brief, momentary shimmer of hope.

We saw Dr. B last week for a follow-up consult. I had been dreading it for many reasons, but in retrospect I'm really glad we went. Part of me had worried that she might brush it off as just another failed cycle rather than the loss it has been (not that I had any reason to think she would be so callous). On the contrary, she showed deep concern and seemed genuinely sorry for our loss. And even more importantly, she had ideas of what we could do differently for next time.

I started by telling her how difficult I had found the treatment plan to be this time around. I just really felt like I was struggling with all of the drugs and hormones. I couldn't sleep, there was a constant sense of discomfort... I had said to P on more than one occasion that I just didn't feel like myself. She asked a lot of questions and took a lot of notes. I also told her about the random allergic reaction I had experienced just a few days before the positive beta. She really perked up at the mention of that. She thinks there's at least a chance that my body was having some kind of reaction related to the treatment and/or transfer. Furthermore, she wonders if maybe my uterus somehow became irritated and/or inflamed, which may have been a contributing factor in the outcome.

I have a thousand different thoughts about all of this, but the bottom line is we're going to change it up. The next transfer will be under an entirely different protocol. Instead of suppressing my ovaries and then pumping up my uterus with estrogen and progesterone to get it ready for implantation, we're going to use low doses of the stimulatory drugs to encourage my ovaries to produce eggs (but nowhere near as much as when we did the retrieval). The idea is to let the uterus think an egg is on it's way and allow it to naturally develop the lining on its own. Then, when the lining and the timing are right, we will trigger the release of the follicle(s) and then do the transfer.

I'm still not 100% clear on all the logistics involved with this protocol, but I do know that it will involve fewer and/or different drugs than what I was one for the last 2 cycles. We will definitely avoid the PIO this time since that may have been one of the culprits before (my butt still feels sore/bruised from the injections and there's a lingering sense that something didn't quite fully absorb in there). Aside from that, I don't really know what else to expect yet, but I do know that I feel much better knowing we're doing something different. I still think that stress is a major player in the success of these things, and the previous protocol was definitely adding to the stress.

In terms of timing, we're looking at June. As much as I thought I wanted to squeeze in one more cycle in May, the more we talked about it, the more we both realized we're not quite ready. At the same time, if we don't do it in June we'd be looking at August (since we'll be heading out of town in mid-July). And I really don't want to wait that long to get going again. I feel like 2016 is becoming our year to try. I'm willing to give it my all this year, and if it works then great. But if not, I don't want to drag out the process. I want an answer, one way or another, to whether or not we will have another baby (biologically speaking). I'm tired of living in limbo again. I want to enjoy the life we've built and the child we have now. I don't want to stay on the roller coaster indefinitely.