Babies

Lately it has seemed like people all around me are going through another baby phase. Several people who were pregnant right before/during/or after me are now having - or about to have - number two. Others are talking about it. And I'm getting the question all the time now: "So... are you guys going to have any more?"

It doesn't feel quite like it did before. Sure there's a little bit of a sting now and then. And yes, sometimes I want to smack people (especially those who KNOW what we went through and yet still ask as though we have complete ability to control the outcome). But overall it's more of a dull ache as opposed to a sharp pain. The thing is, I've changed. Not by choice, not even by intention. It just sort of happened. Of course we'd like more kids, and we will explore those options when the time comes. But the time isn't now - for many reasons. And even so, if another baby isn't in the cards for us, I think we'll be okay. I'm not saying we won't be sad about it, but I am saying I know we'll be okay.

The whole experience of dealing with infertility has forever changed my outlook. Instead of simply noticing that someone is expecting, I find myself wondering how she got to that point. The more that I've opened up and shared my experience, the more aware I've become of just how common fertility and pregnancy-related issues are. Maybe it's because some people have sought me out to express shared feelings. Or maybe it's just because I pay attention more to the quiet signals that point towards someone who is struggling.

A co-worker skips an office baby-shower/potluck. Is she avoiding it for a reason? A story in the news catches my eye - some celebrity figure is expecting twins. Could it have been from fertility drugs? Scrolling through my FB newsfeed, I cannot help but note the number of lives around me who have also been touched by some aspect of the infertility spectrum... miscarriages, adoptions, treatments and tests. Maybe just seeing and knowing how prevalent these issues really are makes it that much easier for me to hear when things go right for others?

I'm not really sure where this post is going. I just felt compelled to acknowledge that as much as I'd like to be doing the baby thing again (if not now then in the somewhat-near future), I know it may not happen. And that's okay.