Oh Hey, We Had a Baby!

Yeah so... I just looked and the last time I posted anything was in November. Whoops. Honestly I though it might have been longer though - ha! So much has happened and there's not nearly enough hours in the day to write about it all. Ever. But the short version is our daughter was born May 18th and we are now officially a family of four!

Hoping to get back to posting more often. Or at the very least, I'd like to write about some of the following:

• Pregnancy: last time vs. this time
• Charlotte's birth story
• Breastfeeding round #2
• Big Brother
• Juggling it all
• Thoughts on the future

No promises how soon any of the above will turn into actual posts, but I hope to start jotting down some thoughts over the course of the next several weeks (now that the initial month of newborn fog has started to clear).

No idea if anyone even reads these anymore... if not, that's cool. I write for myself :) But if you're reading, then thanks for hanging in there despite the 6+ month hiatus!

Second Trimester!

I can't believe how quickly the first trimester went by. I'm not even sure how that happened?! I swear I just posted about seeing the heartbeat the other day, and here I am now... 14 weeks 3 days. Life has been SO busy lately that I've really neglected posting about this pregnancy. Some highlights:

• Graduated from the RE's office around 8.5 weeks.
• Went on a week-long road trip with just me and the hubby.
• Had first OB appointment around 10.5 weeks; had a wretched time with the blood draw as usual, but got a bonus ultrasound when the doctor tried - and failed - to pick up a heartbeat on the doppler (it was a bit early to hear it but I think she could tell she'd freaked me out when we didn't get it, so sent me for u/s).
• Told close friends/co-workers and immediate family about Baby #2.
• Told N about his new baby sibling over Halloween weekend (and enlisted his help in telling my in-laws). He's very excited but also extremely practical in how he thinks about it (i.e. "but if the baby gets scared, it should come sleep in my bed and I'll keep it safe"). Super sweet.
• Had 12-week nuchal-translucency scan showing very active little human. Also did fancy new genetic screening test that includes gender. We have the results as of last week, so will post about that after we reveal it to family during Thanksgiving.
• Had next OB appointment today. No blood required (woohoo!) and got to hear the heartbeat finally. Baby was bouncing around in there creating a lot of static!

In terms of pregnancy symptoms (particularly this one vs. with N):

• Boobs still extremely sore. Like DO NOT TOUCH. Ever.
• Occasional bouts of nausea, but nothing severe (maybe even less than last time?) and usually cured by eating whatever is nearby.
• Decreased appetite in the sense that very few things sound appetizing. No hard-core aversions, but have a bit of a hard time with some meats. Meat that basically falls apart or is ground I can handle; meat that has to be bitten or cut with a knife (i.e. chicken, steak) sort of makes me gag. It's more of a texture issue than taste I think...
• Cravings-wise, the one thing that consistently sounds good is Ramen noodles. Seriously. I've eaten that for lunch or dinner at least 1-2 times per week. Otherwise, the only other thing that might count as a craving is Mexican food. 
• Sleep has been hit or miss. Like last time, I'm starting to have some nighttime discomfort (slight heartburn/reflux, hip and neck pain), so that's definitely a contributing factor.
• And speaking of pain, I'm definitely "feeling" pregnant lately. The second-trimester round ligament pain has arrived, and it's not pleasant. I should probably try to actually do yoga semi-regularly, as I recall this helped alleviate some of that last time? 
• The new symptom I'm having this time around is bloating. Like insane, really severe, feels like I'm going to burst into little pieces bloating. I had some early on, but that was as I was still weaning off the FET hormones. It went away thankfully, and then it came back last week. With a vengeance. Yesterday I was in so much discomfort between the round ligament pain and the bloating, I almost cried at work. I did eventually confirm that OTC stuff like Gas-X is okay to use, so used some of that yesterday afternoon/evening and it did help. Let's hope this was just a passing fluke and isn't going to be an on-going issue, because HOLY MOLY.

What else? The bump is there, and what they say about it popping out sooner rather than later with subsequent pregnancies is very true. I honestly think I've been raising suspicions at work for about a month now, but definitely as of last week I'm no longer able to "suck it in" and disguise it.

So there... a bit of an update. Long overdue and certainly incomplete, but I'm hoping to get back to posting more frequently now that September and October (two of our busiest months of the year) are over. Next up for me to mull over in this space: OB vs. midwife and with or without doula...

We Have a Heartbeat!

I went in for ultrasound #2 yesterday. Last week only showed the amniotic sac, so I was a little nervous that we might not see much more this week. I was wrong - there was a yolk sac, a baby, and a heartbeat! P wasn't able to come with me this time, which I was kind of sad about. But they did give me a nice little picture of the baby next to the yolk sac to show him. Heart rate was good (111 bpm) and they noted adequate growth, so that's good.

Today I made follow up appointments. We'll go for ultrasound #3 and then "graduate" from the RE's office in 2 weeks on October 6. We're out of town the week after that, so the following week on the 18th will be my first appointment with my regular OB. Crazy to think I'll be 10.5 weeks already by then - almost out of first trimester!

I still can't quite wrap my head around it. Of course this is the outcome we wanted and prayed for and hoped would be. I'm still just amazed that it happened. I haven't actually said the words "I'm pregnant" yet to anyone, even to P. It still feels to early. But I'll admit, seeing the heartbeat went a long way to helping me feel better.

Speaking of feeling better though, I'm definitely feeling (and seeing) more symptoms. The first thing I noticed (even before we got the positive beta) was the sore boobs. I think this was my first real symptom last time too. They're just achy and tender and even brushing them with my arm is kinda painful. I also get nauseous at least once every day, and sometimes more often. Nothing extreme, just enough that I either need to find something to eat or sit down for a few minutes until it passes. My appetite is also weird - kind of non-existent. I sort of remember this from last time and have to keep reminding myself to eat. I'm also breaking out a lot on my face, which definitely happened last time. And lastly, I'm tired. All. The. Time. Even when I've had a decent night's sleep. But frustratingly, when I do get to bed early, I'm tossing and turning.

The symptoms are great in the sense that it helps assure me I'm "still pregnant." Even so, I often feel I'm holding my breath still. It's been over a year since we started trying for #2. If our first FET had worked, I would now have a 3 month-old and probably be getting ready to go back to work. If FET #2 had stayed put, I'd be 33 weeks pregnant and entering the final home stretch. Today I'm 6 weeks 4 days. If all goes well, my Mother's Day gift next year may be something pretty special...

6 Weeks

Even as I type this, I'm terrified to do so. My first beta was on 9/6 and it was positive. I don't even remember the numbers they gave me, I was in such shock that it was positive. Beta #2 was on 9/8 and my HCG had more than doubled, which was good. That was the point in the previous cycle where things had taken a turn for the worse. I had my third and final beta on 9/12, and the numbers were still looking great. We went in for an ultrasound on 9/14 and they confirmed the embryonic sac was present and measuring well. The technician said it was a bit too early to see the baby, so although the sac appeared empty she assured us that was normal. We will go back later this week for the next ultrasound.

As of today, I am 6ish weeks pregnant. Part of my still feels like I'm holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I thought I would feel better after the ultrasound, but I think not seeing more than an empty sac actually made me feel worse. I hope and pray we can see more this week. According to some estimates, the heartbeat can be visible on ultrasound as early as this week. I really, really, hope we see that. I'm still terrified of another so-called chemical pregnancy.

In other news though, I'm definitely feeling a little bit pregnant. I've had several small bouts of nausea, mostly early in the morning when my body temperature seems to surge. My breasts are also pretty tender. I'm trying to focus on these as good signs that things are really working this time. I hope I'm right...

4 More Days...

FET #3 was one week ago today. Beta day will be Tuesday (due to the upcoming holiday weekend). That's 4 more days until we find out. I think I've done a decent job of not obsessing this week, but somehow, with the holiday weekend looming ahead, Tuesday seems incredibly far away.

I'm not sure how I feel about this cycle. I guess right now I don't feel strongly one way or another. As always, it's difficult not to want to interpret every sign or "symptom" as evidence pointing towards one outcome or the other. The nausea I've had a couple of mornings - could that be morning sickness?! The occasional odd cramping sensation - is that implantation... or a sign of a failed cycle? The bloating, hot flashes, and sleeplessness - am I pregnant or are these just side effects of the hormones?

I want to be hopeful, and I think I still am. But at the same time, I'm terrified of feeling too optimistic.

Status: Post-Transfer

Today was T-day. They had originally said yesterday would be the day, but my progesterone was a tad bit lower than they wanted on Sunday so they did a re-check on Monday and pushed the transfer back a day. Everything went smoothly, as near as I can tell. We arrived and the embryologist came in to have us sign some forms and confirmed that our embryo had survived the thaw and looked great. The ultrasound tech checked my bladder and gave me a little more water to drink to pump up my bladder for better viewing/angle of entry into my uterus.

The doctor on transfer duty today was Dr. S, who just so happens to be the one who did my original egg retrieval and at least one of my fluid drains for OHSS. I'm pretty sure he also did the fresh transfer (which resulted in the birth of N), so I like to think he's sort of our good luck charm. We'll see if that holds true, but regardless it was nice to see a somewhat familiar face in the transfer room.

As we were watching the embryo on the screen, I made a comment that it looked like a piece of broccoli (valium is FUN). So now our little embryo has been officially dubbed "Broccoli" or "Brocc" for short. We've always named our embryos, if only to ourselves. It's our way of giving them an identity. N was called Flash. The embryo from FET #2 was Splash. Shrimp was our embryo that resulted in a positive HCG this past spring before ending in a chemical pregnancy.

I don't know what will become of Brocc. Part of me feels like Brocc is a he, but only time will tell if that is true, or if we will even have the opportunity to find out if that is true or not.

Hold on tight, little Brocc. Please hold on tight in there.

Next Up: FET #3 (& Reverse Nesting?)

A lot has happened this past month - too much to really go into all the details, but here are the highlights:

• On July 25 I met with Dr. H, one of the other physicians in our RE clinic. We ultimately decided that for FET #3, we will stay put at this clinic. If this one is a bust, then we'll reevaluate and possibly transfer over to Dr. B's new clinic. Dr. H is younger (probably about my age) and not as much of a warm fuzzy personality, but she knows her stuff. I was impressed with how much of my history she knew - she had clearly done hear reading! We talked about the original plan to do a less-medicated cycle involving stims and I expressed my frustration at being delayed, likely until September, as a result of AF's early arrival in July. Dr. H offered yet another option, which would be a so-called un-medicated cycle. This plan would involve daily monitoring starting on day 8 of my August period, followed by an HCG trigger to force natural ovulation, and then transfer a week later. There's a little bit of progesterone support as well, but not as much as the other times and no PIO. Since there's never been a concern with my lining, she was willing to let my body do it's own thing to get ready. So we agreed on that plan.
• July 26 - August 6 was our much anticipated family road trip. We drove to and from Colorado and stayed in 2 hotels, 1 cabin, 1 cousin's house, and 1 friend's house. It was almost 2 full weeks of hot tubs, mountains, cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents galore, hiking, ice cream, being outdoors, too much food, not enough sleep, and constant activity. And it was awesome. We hiked with N, showed him how to skip rocks on the lake, introduced him to cousins his own age, took him back to the spot where we got engaged 9 years ago, and went swimming at night under the stars in a mountain hot springs pool 2 hours past his usual bed time. I'm still kind of exhausted, but it was a great trip.
• August 9 my period arrived, right on schedule (for once) and on August 12 I went in for baseline. I began daily monitoring on August 16 so they could start tracking for an 18+ mm follicle and LH surge. I went back on August 17 and again on August 18, at which point I had 1 follicle that was around 19 mm and another that was 16.5 mm. They had me trigger that night.
• Tomorrow, August 21, I will go in for a blood draw to check my progesterone. If all goes well and it comes back in whatever range they are looking for, they'll tell me to start my meds. I'll be on vaginal crinone (2x daily), a baby aspirin, and of course a z-pack to prevent infection.
• Thursday, August 25, will be transfer day. 

So far this cycle feels very different. Obviously it's a very different protocol, so that's a big part of it. I've had more encounters with the wand and the needle (they had to poke me 6 times before they finally got blood on Thursday!), but at the same time I'm not constantly stressed out trying to remember when to take pills, when to shove things up my vagina, and when to stab myself in the butt. It sort of doesn't really feel like there's anything happening, but that's been okay. I'm mostly just trying to stay grounded and not get to wrapped up in whether or not it will work. I really want it to, obviously, but I can't get my hopes up. I just can't. Whatever will be, will be.

Meanwhile, is there such a thing as reverse nesting? Because if so, then I definitely have it. Ever since we got home from Colorado, I've been itching to clean and organize our house. Today I spent 6+ hours putting away laundry, organizing the office and N's room, picking up clutter, and deep cleaning. I swept all the floors upstairs and used the steam mop. I wiped down all the surfaces in the bathroom and washed towels and bathmats. I packed away clothes that N has outgrown and made lists of things to buy and projects to complete for the house. I'm pretty tired now, but I feel great after a productive day! Maybe this is somehow my body's way of preparing house an embryo in a few days. Who knows... but at least my floors are clean :)