So Far, So Good

I haven't written much about this FET cycle. Mostly that's just because of how busy life has been (see last post). But also maybe because I don't want to jinx anything? Today is Day 10 of the protocol they have me using, although it's a little confusing since technically I started one of the drugs (Lupron) on September 8, which was before Day 1 (which was September 17).

Basically, I started the Lupron while I was still on the pill for a few days. Then I was supposed to be just on the Lupron and then have baseline monitoring (bloodwork and ultrasound). On my original schedule, the baseline monitoring would have been Day 0 (September 16). However, I had been having some pretty heavy spotting while on the pill, which then got worse once the pill was phased out and I was continuing on just the Lupron. I was kind of worried the spotting would be an issue since it was almost full flow (but in a weird way - it would sort of ebb and flow each day, always tapering off to nothing overnight). Ultimately, they had me come in early for the baseline monitoring on Day -2 (September 14) just to make sure there wasn't anything strange going on. The u/s tech assured me that it was just my body having a semi-period and it wouldn't interfere with the actual cycle. So that was a relief.

On 9/17 I was cleared to officially start cycling for an FET date of 10/6. I'm currently still on Lupron (a lower dose than at first) as well as baby aspirin and oral estrace (I'm allergic to adhesives so no patch for me). As of today I'm up to 3 doses of estrace per day. My last dose of Lupron will be middle of next week, and then things get pretty complicated with the addition of 4 more drugs. Yikes! I had a monitoring appointment this past Wednesday and the tech said everything looked "perfect". My lining is thickening nicely and all my bloodwork came back fine. I have one more monitoring appointment this upcoming Wednesday and then I assume I'll get more details about the actual transfer day.

Some random thoughts/observations about doing an FET cycle so far:

• In some ways, it seems just as (if not more?) complicated as a fresh cycle. It's definitely longer (21+ days as opposed to 10-14 for a fresh) so maybe that's why...
• There are STILL lots of needles! For some reason I just assumed there would be fewer needles but apparently I was wrong. It still involves nightly stomach stabbing and pretty soon I get to start the PIO butt shots as well. Woohoo!
• The side effects aren't as bad... This could be just that I'm less attuned to them this time around? Maybe having been through pregnancy and postpartum hormone fluctuations it just isn't as noticeable? Maybe I was just hyper aware last time with my fresh cycle because I'd never been on any of those drugs before so I was analyzing every last symptom to the nth degree? Maybe the fact that I haven't just been through 6 months of Clomid cycles beforehand helps? Who knows. 
• I looked up a due date calculator specifically for FET cycles and based on the transfer date of 10/6, it told me I'm "currently 1 week pregnant". Ha! 

So there you have it. So far it's going well... I think?

September

Every year, September is our busy month. Like, REALLY busy. For starters, there's P's birthday on the first, which often coincides with Labor Day weekend. The weekend after Labor Day is the local fair and demolition derby, which we always attend with my in-laws. Somewhere in there (the 12th) is my MIL's birthday as well. The third weekend in September is our little town's annual weekend fall festival, which is basically a mini fair. And last but not least, our anniversary is the 27th and my FIL's birthday is the 28th.

This year we also had 2 weddings to attend the first part of the month. A friend of mine from college got married over Labor Day weekend, which involved me flying to Virginia. Then this past weekend my office-mate got married in Iowa; we were at least able to drive to this one, but had to rush home Sunday in order to get to the fair in time for the derby.

And as if that weren't enough already, this year September also includes 1) N starting preschool, 2) me starting my final class for my Master's degree, and 3) our first FET cycle. That's pretty much the definition of insanity. Oh, AND we're still trying to finish the bathroom remodel that began in June but has stretched on for nearly 3 months now. Have I mentioned that it's basically impossible to potty train when the only toilet in the house is in the basement?

As I was reading through my treatment schedule for the FET, I came across the following instructions:

"Avoiding stress can only improve your cycle. The treatment you will be under is stressful enough. Do not start any big projects at this time­ at work or at home. Now is the time to be kind to yourselves."

Oops. Well... there's not much I can do about the timing of all of this (other than if we decided to just postpone the FET all together) so instead I'll be doing whatever I can to minimize/manage the stress as it comes. Transfer day is exactly 3 weeks from today, so between now and then my hope is to 1) eat as much of a whole foods diet as I can while 2) still allowing myself the occasional frozen custard treat, 3) schedule a weekly acupuncture session, 4) schedule a weekly massage, 5) go for at least one 20 minute walk per day, 6) do the yoga and pilates workouts from my exercise DVDs 3-4 times per week, and 7) get back on a sleep schedule.

I don't know how realistic all of that is, and even just typing it out I already feel like it's too much. But I do think it's helpful to have pre-identified ways to manage the stress. And I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't do ALL of the above. At the same time, I'm going to have to actually set aside time each day do accomplish any of it. Many of these are things I should be doing anyway, it's just that for the next few weeks, I need to make them a priority so I can be in good shape (mentally, physically, emotionally) for this FET.


On that note, time to put away the electronic devices so I can start winding down for bed...

Holy Smokes!

Today is T-minus 40 days until FET #1 (if all goes according to plan). The reality of it all is starting to hit. I can't believe this is really starting again!

Last week I had my SSG to check on the state of my ute. Apparently everything looks good in there. Even though I'm on the pill again now, there were a couple of follicles trying to bubble up on each ovary (oh, the irony) but nothing that Dr. B was too worried about at this stage. Then yesterday I had a follow-up consult with her and the nurse to go over the plan and the schedule. It a little bit caught me off guard when the nurse said "So when do you want to have your transfer?" With the fresh cycle there was little to no choice involved in the process, but apparently with frozen you pick the date and plan the treatment according to that.

The available transfer dates with Dr. B at our clinic are September 29, October 6, and October 21 (she also potentially has dates at the other clinic, but that would involve a courier moving embryos around, not to mention an even further drive for us). The 29th is the soonest which would be nice, but it's smack in the middle of a week-long class that my husband is taking for work. It's also 2 days after our anniversary (nothing says romance like progesterone suppositories!) and the day my mom flies home after having spent a week with us. So... that's out. The 21st would be good in that my husband is off for a week and a half around then, so we'd have lots of flexibility. However, we were hoping to squeeze in a family trip to Michigan in the fall around then, so it would kind of impact our travel plans. Not to mention it would mean having to lay low for a few days rather than go hiking or whatever else we want to do. Which leaves October 6. It's a day my husband is off shift, so that's good. And he can take a personal day the following day when I'm supposed to be taking it easy.

To add to the mix, we're really trying to avoid telling ANYONE this time that we're cycling, so in terms of logistics with a toddler at home and whatnot, things are going to get complicated. It's not unusual for N to stay at my in-laws overnight once or twice a month, especially if we have evening plans or have to be at work super early the next day. It's just easier for everyone in those situations if he stays at their house (which is only a few miles away) for the night. So I think we'll ask now if he can stay the night of the 5th, but we can be vague about the reasoning. They also help out with childcare from time to time during the day, so he should be able to stay there until the evening of the 6th when Paul goes to get him, which will allow me to come home and lay in bed or whatever all day.

Aside from the transfer day logistics, there will probably be a whole host of other things to think about. I emailed the nurse this morning to let her know we will definitely be going with the 6th. She already wrote back with my treatment plan and schedule. And let me just say, it's INTENSE! I sort of thought a frozen cycle would be less involved, and I suppose in some ways it is. There aren't quite as many drugs, nor quite as many u/s and blood monitoring visits. But it's also longer (21 days), and there will still be quite a few drugs. I'm still trying to digest all the information and details that she emailed me, so I'll probably have to post about that in the next few days (if for no other reason than to help myself keep it straight!).

And speaking of posts, I have 2-3 more that I need to write on various topics. But for now, I'm going to stick another load of laundry in the washer and respond to some more emails (I'm working from home today). Life is about to get even crazier... I may need a new motto for these next few months. Something like "one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time" might be good.

It Feels Surreal

Sitting in the ultrasound room of my RE's office today, covered in a paper sheet, I definitely had a moment of "I can't believe we're doing this again." It feels... strange.

To recap: we had our consult with Dr. B a few weeks ago to start the process of a frozen embryo transfer. She reviewed the details of our last retrieval and went over some general stats about FETs, but to be honest I didn't hear much. I was sitting there the whole time thinking a) I can't believe we're here again, and b) are we really ready for this!? After meeting with her, we visited the lab for more blood draws and peeing in a cup. We left that day with our "to-do" checklist and instructions to call on day 1 of my period. It felt like we were hitting the ground running and for some reason that surprised me.

Anyway... fast forward about a week and it was the day before we were leaving for our trip to Hawaii when my period arrived. I had hoped it would come before the trip so that I could squeeze in the ultrasound that's supposed to be on days 2-4, but unfortunately it seemed we would have to put that off until the next month. I was also supposed to schedule a saline sonohysterogram for days 6-12, which meant I would have to come in our very first day back from vacation (day 12). Nevertheless, I dutifully called the nurse who assured me we could actually do the SSG any time during the week after our trip, as long as she started me on birth control pills (the regular ultrasound will still have to be next month).

I started the pill on day 5 (while we were in Hawaii) and today I went in for the SSG (day 16). Dr. B assured me that everything looks fine and said my uterus has "healed nicely" from the pregnancy and delivery. We weren't expecting any issues, but she did want to ensure that there weren't any physical problems on the inside that could pose an issue for a transfer. She did note that I have some rather large follicles "bubbling up" (as she phrased it) on both ovaries, so apparently the pills didn't fully suppress me this time around. But she didn't seem worried, just indicated that they would keep an eye on them.

So here we are. Things are happening and we're checking stuff off the pre-transfer list. I'm supposed to keep taking the pill and then will go back for a visit next Wednesday to discuss the schedule of events for this FET. She mentioned putting me on estrogen and progesterone to prep the uterine lining. I did confirm that I can keep taking my probiotic (since last time I developed chronic UTIs that my OB attributed to the vaginal progesterone). Aside from that, I don't know much about what will happen and when.

I assume I'll still need an ultrasound on day 2-4 of my next period, but I'm not 100% sure when that will come. My cycles have been anywhere from 21-28 days in the past year (which is strange for me since they were always pretty consistent at 28-29 days). If I get my period on the early end of that range, it might be as early as next Wednesday. If it's at the later end, it would be sometime the following week. But I don't know how the pill will affect that. And I'm a little concerned about the dates because we have 2 out-of-town weddings the first part of September (including 1 that I will fly to over Labor Day weekend). I don't think those will interfere with the schedule, but I suppose they could. And if they do, then it might just mean postponing it all a month? I'm not really sure. It wouldn't be the end of the world, but I do kind of want to keep the momentum going now that we've started...

Part of me (a very tiny, little bitty part of me) thought/hoped that we'd be one of those lucky couples who just get pregnant the old-fashioned way after #1 was done. I can't even begin to count how many people "confidently" assured me that this was not only possible but actually very likely to happen. Sometimes you just need one successful pregnancy to straighten everything out! Or so "they" proclaimed. The problem was, none of these people were a) infertility patients, or b) medical personnel working in the field of reproductive medicine. So no, I didn't believe them. But I still sort of hoped it might be true.

And it isn't that I'm really shocked or even disappointed that it didn't happen that way. But it would have been nice to not have to go through this whole rigamarole again. It felt very strange to pick up the phone, call a doctor's office, and say "Hi, I'm a former patient of Dr. B's. I'm calling to schedule my next baby."

It's just very... surreal.

Time

I'm not even sure how it got to be 2+ months since I last posted (seriously!?) but if that's any indicator of just how crazy life has been, well... there you go. I won't go into detail about everything that's been happening, but here's the bullet list breakdown:

• Planned and started another round of home renovations (unfortunately much sooner than we intended due to a mold situation).
• Began serious potty training but then sort of put it on temporary hiatus due to the main bathroom being the epicenter of said renovations... Ugh.
• Introduced N to gardening - he loves it and is actually rather helpful with it this year!
• Took a trip with N to visit relatives.
• Parents visited us.
• Took advantage of every free, non-rainy weekend to pack in some summer family fun (zoo, nearby parks, bike rides, splash pad, waterpark, hikes, ice cream, fireworks, airplane museum, city festivals, mini golf).
• Went on a mini family weekend getaway to the Wisconsin Dells area (this passed weekend) and packed in even more family fun.
• Did a 3-day protein shake, fruit, and veggie cleanse (lost 5 pounds!).
• Planned and hosted an office bridal shower for my co-worker and office-mate.
• Tried - and failed - to utilize budgeting software to get our finances under control. Oops. Going to give it another go here soon though as I really did like the software, but made some mistakes in setting it up initially which I now know to avoid. Also changing banks a week into it really made things harder than necessary. THAT was a whole nightmare in and of itself. Gah!
• Learned the benefit of "emergency" savings when my employer sent my paycheck to the wrong (old) account that was closed, which resulted in a 2 week delay before it was finally deposited into the correct (new) account. Sigh...
• Began a new workout and eating plan in one last-ditch effort to a) shed 5-7 pounds, b) gain some definition in my arms/shoulders, and c) tighten up the belly pooch before upcoming appearances on the beach (see below)!

So yeah... things have been busy and I'm really trying hard not to be that person that worries about "doing it all" all the time. That's just not realistic. There are days when I feel like an awesome mom, but the house is a disaster. There are days when I make a lot of progress at work and feel like I'm really making a difference, but I get home late and don't get to see N as much. There are days when I just HAVE to get some laundry done/meals cooked/bills paid and wind up snapping at my family for distracting me. The thing is, I'm learning to cut myself some slack. Sure it would be great to keep all the balls in the air at all times, but I think even if I were able to do it, I'd be unhappy. It's just too much. I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time instead of crazy multi-tasking. It's a work in progress, and probably a topic for a post all it's own...

Meanwhile, time marches on. So here's what I'm counting down to as of now:

• 3 days until we meet with our RE (Dr. B) to discuss the first steps in beginning a frozen embryo transfer for (hopefully!) baby #2. Yikes!
• 8 days until I get on an overnight train with N to take him to my parents house in NY... and 9 days until I leave him for the longest span of time we've ever been apart (a little more than a week).
• 11 days until the hubby and I head to Maui for a much-needed couples' vacation (friends of ours will be joining us there for part of the time).
• 56 days until the start of the fall quarter in which I will (finally) complete my Master's degree - yipee!

This is all really big stuff! Hopefully in between all of it I will find time to blog a bit more often...

It's About That Time

I think I'm ready to start figuring out how to have another baby. Maybe. Hopefully. If it's meant to be.

I knew I wasn't ready before. That first year was all about Nathan and learning how to be parents and celebrating the little things. Like getting to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. And getting him to eat food. And finally figuring out how to get anything else done in between going to work and coming home and taking care of an infant.

The second year was all about exploring the world with this little human who was suddenly becoming even more of an actual, little PERSON. There was walking and talking to be learned and mastered. We could take him places and he would actually be aware and engaged in whatever we were doing. We had our first vacation with just us - just our little family. He developed opinions. Lots of them. And he became fully aware of US as his parents. This was a good thing, but also a challenging thing. There were times I felt like he needed me even more than when he was a baby, which was really probably more that he WANTED me. And at some point during that second year, I started to feel like me again. I finally lost the baby weight. I went on more dates with my husband and had more girls' nights.

We're now nearly halfway through the third year of his life (he will be 2 1/2 a month from yesterday). Until recently, I couldn't imagine adding a baby to the mix. Life has been hectic and crazy and yes, it's all been good. But it's also been hard. Baby's are hard too, but in a different way. And I couldn't imagine combining the hands-on work of taking care of a baby with the energy and, shall we say, "moods" of a two-year old.

We had talked some, and had decided we would see about going to back to the RE this fall. After our much-anticipated trip to Hawaii to celebrate our 7th anniversary (was originally supposed to be for our 5th, but that was the year we had Nathan). While I still wasn't sure I would be 100% ready by then, I figured it made the most sense. Nathan will be 3 in January. If I do have the opportunity to have another child, I don't want them to be so far apart in age that they aren't really part of each others worlds. So I had sort of resigned myself to the decision. I would make myself be ready. It was a deadline, more than anything.

And then things changed. I don't really know how or when, but it was like a switch was flipped. One day, about a month ago, I was watching Nathan play with a stuffed animal. He was making a bed for it and tucking it in, and out of nowhere I said, "Would you like to have a baby brother or sister someday?" He looked up at me and smiled, but said nothing and kept playing with his toy. I tried again. "Would you like a baby? Should Mama have a baby?" And he said, in the sweetest little voice, "Ok! Sure! Yes!" And something just sort of clicked in me. I couldn't get that conversation out of my head. I told Paul about it later and he just kind of smiled. He's always been ready. Never pressuring me, never in a hurry. Just ready.

This week, I found out another co-worker is pregnant. My former office-mate, S, is also pregnant, and they are both due around Thanksgiving. The other co-worker, Gloria, was telling me the story of how she and S had strategized together about how and when to tell our boss. S was nervous about her announcement because she's also supposed to be getting a big promotion soon, and she's paranoid about having that withheld from her because of an upcoming maternity leave (which is illegal, but S has had issues with the HR department in the past about other things, so she doesn't trust them). In any case, they are both starting to look pregnant, so time was running out and Gloria told S it had to be this week. S did it first and confessed to our boss why she'd been delaying telling him. He apparently was horrified to think that she had been worried to tell him, and so then was saying to Gloria the next morning how bad he felt. To which Gloria had responded, "So, speaking of pregnant...".

After hearing her story, I jokingly said to Gloria that maybe I should walk into the boss's office next week and tell him I'm pregnant too (just to see his reaction). But even as I said it, I felt a longing. I'm ready. It's time now. I want to do this again. I want to have another baby. I want Nathan to become a big brother.

But the funny thing is, I don't just want to have another baby. I actually want to do the whole pregnancy thing again. I know it isn't everyone's cup of tea, but for the most part I enjoyed the experience last time. I was one of 6 women who happened to be pregnant at the same time in my office, and so being pregnant at work was kind of fun. Besides which, my OB's office and the hospital where I delivered are on the same campus as my office, so appointments and tests were all close by. I don't live geographically close to any of my high school or college friends, and so work friends are the closest thing I have to that dream of being pregnant at the same time as a good friend. And so sitting there, in Gloria's office, thinking about her and S, I wanted to be able to say "me too!" Maybe that sounds silly, but it's true.

Anyway, I came home last night and after Nathan was in bed, I told Paul I wanted to call the RE. Originally I thought we would wait until after Hawaii to even make the call. But now that I'm feeling really ready, I think maybe we'll make that call sooner. I don't want to start treatments or anything until after the trip, but I would like to have the consultation and maybe whatever testing is needed before we go, so that as soon as we're back we can get started. We'll be doing frozen cycles because that's what we have left from the IVF. I don't know how many we'll have to do before it works. And if it doesn't... there won't be another fresh cycle. Maybe we'll look into adoption or maybe we'll make peace with just being a family of three. But right now frozen is still an option, so that's what we'll focus on. We're going to NYC to celebrate my dad's 60th in November (it will be a surprise for him), and I can't help thinking how much fun it would be to get to tell my parents in person that grandbaby #2 is on the way...

It still seems strange to say, but I'm totally ready. Let's do this.

How I Know My Toddler is Smarter Than Me

Some examples from recent conversations with my two-year old:

On potty training:
Me: "You know, one of these days, the diapers are going to be all gone. And then you will just use the potty like a big boy."

[He's been going #1 on the potty at least 2-3 times a day for a few months now, but we're still working on #2. We're gearing up for some diaper-free, run-around-home-naked days over the holiday weekend coming up soon.]

N: "Diapers be all gone?"

Me: "Yes. They will be all gone. No more diapers."

N: "Go to the store Mama. Get more diapers at the store."

On noises:
Laying in bed, lights are off, having one last snuggle before sleepy-time...
N: "What's that noise, Mama?"

Me: "It's your fan."

N: "What's that noise, Mama?"

[He's just asked me the same question about the same noise for the 19th time in 5 minutes.]

Me: "It's YOU Nathan. YOU are making noise!"

N: ...pauses for a few seconds... "What's that noise, Mama?"

Me: "YOUR FAN. It's your fan, Nathan. I've told you that already!"

N: "No Mama. It's you, Mama. You're making noise."

Seriously?!