157.2

I know it's been a while since I posted on it and I'm WAY overdue for an update on all my mini-goals, but for now I just want to say... I am OFFICIALLY 3.5(ish) pounds UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight (not pre-fertility treatments weight, but I'll take it!).

Seriously. I'm kind of amazed. I've lost just over 20 pounds since I started getting serious about it in February. I honestly didn't think I would be this far already. I mean, I haven't seen the 150s since April 2012! At this rate, I feel like I might even dip into the 140s by the end of 2014 (140 is sort of my "ideal" goal weight).

Even better than the number on the scale is the fact that people are NOTICING. I've been getting 1-2 comments a week lately (from different people... not the same person repeatedly) and it is such a mood booster. Not only that, but I am fitting into sizes and clothing I haven't looked at in over 2 years. I'm down 2 full pant sizes (and nearly ready to drop a 3rd) since February. Shirts that I was kind of nervous about being too tight for work are now starting to be too loose. I actually need to go shopping for some stuff that fits (I gave away a lot of things to Goodwill thinking it would be years - if ever - before I would fit into any of it again... oops!).

Looking back, I attribute my progress to 3 key things:

1. Calorie-counting. Yup. I hate to admit it, but that was really the turning point. After years of resisting that method of portion control, I finally gave it a try and realized I was way off base in my "estimations" of portion and serving size. I actually haven't been tracking calories all that much lately (in MFP that is) but I think it's served it's purpose, which was to re-train my brain to pay more attention to that stuff to begin with.
2. Beach Body programs. My husband and I had been doing one of them on and off for a couple of months and liked it, but found the workouts way too long. If we didn't have time for a full-length one, we just wouldn't do any. Now we've switched to a different program that has much shorter workouts. I love it. It's challenging and some of the workouts are pretty intense, but the overall idea feels much more manageable.
3. My Fitbit. I love it. I've become so much more aware of how active I am from day to day, which has really helped me make adjustments to my calorie intake as needed. 

As I said, I'm overdue for a much longer update, but I just weighed myself and was so excited I had to post about it!

Some Days, Some Nights...

Some days, having a toddler makes me miss the newborn phase... the tantrums, the independence, the borderline defiance. Newborns don't do that stuff! Sure they spit up (a lot), refuse to sleep when you want them to, and sometimes cry for hours for no apparent reason. But their needs and wants are also pretty basic, they make great snuggle buddies, and you can pretty much strap them into a carrier and cart them anywhere.

Some days, I feel like a terrible mom. I'm not super creative with crafty things. I still haven't gotten my son signed up for swim lessons (something I was adamant about doing by the time he was 6 months old). I haven't put together a scrapbook commemorating the first year of his life (I barely even got prints from his last photo shoot!). Some days I'm impatient. Some days I'm too easily frustrated. Some days I'm tired and just want to sit on the couch and watch a Baby Einstein rather than get on the floor and play. Some days I catch myself glancing at my smartphone too much while he's nearby.

Some nights are hard... Random 19-month sleep regression!? Juggling sleeping arrangements while traveling - all of us in one room where no one sleeps well vs. finding a way for him to have his own space but running the risk of middle-of-the-night panic attacks when he realizes he doesn't know where he is. Trying to squeeze in a workout or a relaxing (ha!) bath one evening while Dada puts him to bed, only to listen to repeated shrieks and wailing for "Mammmaaaaaaaaaaaa!" to come back because he's going through a pretty intense "mama" phase lately.

Some days I feel scared/frustrated/overwhelmed because I don't have all the answers. Some days I force myself to laugh (because I hate crying). Some days... there really are no words. Like when your 19.5 month-old develops explosive diarrhea (stomach bug? bad food?) in the middle of your great-grandmother's funeral/memorial services weekend out-of-town and poops through every single pair of pants you packed for the 3 day trip. Or when said toddler (who seemed to be feeling better) produces a surprise explosion in the car seat on the way home (with 2 hours to go) and you find yourself on the side of the road with a naked, shivering toddler (carefully wrapped in the one clean baby blanket you have left in the car) while your husband uses the last of the wipes and tissues drenched in hand sanitizer to trip to wipe sh*t off the car seat. 

But some days... my heart just melts when he runs to me and squeezes me tight with his skinny little arms. Some days I am filled with joy as I watch his little face light up in wonder at the world around. Some days his sweet voice happily singing "Mama!" calms my soul when I walk in the door after a rough day at work. Some days I want to hold him tight because he's growing too fast. Some days I watch in amazement and he demonstrates a new skill or behavior. Like when he put on his mini backpack, told me "bye-bye", blew me a kiss, sat down on his toy train, and "drove" it to "work".

Some nights he sits so calmly on my lap while we read bedtime stories, his tiny fingers absentmindedly stroking my arm, his head resting under my chin. Some nights he sweetly kisses us "night-night". Some nights his fuzzy, soft curls tickle my ear as he snuggles his head down on my shoulder to "rock rock" for a few minutes before bed. Some nights... I want to hold onto forever.

The Mom Guilt

I'm fairly certain that all parents - not just moms - feel guilt about one thing or another when it comes to their kids. And the things we feel guilty about probably vary from one person to the next. I've got to say for me, the guilt stuff has come into a play a lot more now that Nathan is older than when he was a newborn. While I missed him terribly and worried about missing important milestones, I never felt particularly guilty for being away from him when he was tiny. He was always well-cared for, whether it was by Dada, one or more grandparents, or our daycare provider. I never felt like I was abandoning him, whether it was to go to work, enjoy an evening out with friends or my husband, or just to run to the store for an hour by myself. Even when he got a little older and started demonstrating more object permanence and separation anxiety, it was never very dramatic. Because our schedule is so irregular and we rely on so many methods for childcare, he's always been pretty laid back about it.

Unfortunately, ever since he finally started saying "mama" a few months ago, I've found myself struggling with "mom guilt" every time I have to leave him for any reason. Maybe because I hear his little voice asking for me repeatedly? Maybe because I imagine him calling out for me and then realizing I'm not there? Maybe because he's started to act out (just a bit) whenever I'm gone for too long (i.e. the occasional overnight). I don't know. All I know is I've been struggling with a major case of it lately and it's been kind of rough.

The thing is, I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I'm very comfortable with my decision to continue working and I have a wonderful arrangement that allows me to work from home a couple days a week. My husband and I deserve - and need - the occasional weekend or overnight away together to reconnect and regroup. I can - and should - make time to see friends and be social. But then I start blaming myself for things I shouldn't...

Nathan is going through some kind of phase right now where he suddenly refuses to go to bed at night. He sleeps fine the rest of the night and he goes down for his afternoon nap without issue, but going to bed at night has become our own World War 3. Most nights I feel a nagging sense of guilt that I'm responsible for this. If only I had gotten home earlier today... Maybe if I'd gotten my act together and finished cooking dinner in time for us to all eat together... He can't fall asleep because he's laying there wondering where Mama goes all the time and why she isn't always there to play or snuggle.

And don't even get me started on the guilt factor when I'm home and need to take care of something. I know they're only little for a short time and believe me, my cleaning/decorating/organizing standards have had to be significantly lowered, but there does come a time when the house NEEDS a thorough cleaning. Or when certain projects (like a photo thing I'm helping my dad with for my mom's upcoming birthday surprise) require me to focus with out the "help" of a toddler who likes to be involved in everything. And similarly, we're at a stage where I can't really take him with me for serious grocery shopping because he's not really a fan of riding in the cart and HATES being dragged in and out of the car to visit multiple stores. As a result, for all of the above (and many other examples) I've had to block out time here and there where someone else is around to help watch him. Which means I'm "leaving" him again.

And then the guilt wheels start turning once more. Weekends are when I should be 100% present but he spent a few hours at my in-laws' house while I did some much-needed house cleaning and now he's crabby and refusing to eat dinner. This is my fault. He was looking forward to the weekend and some quality time with Mama but I had to leave him with Dada while I ran errands because we had absolutely no food in the house. Now he is clinging to me like a leech and refuses to let Dada hold him because he's afraid that means I'll leave again.

I guess I didn't even realize (until I started writing this post) just how much guilt I've allowed to pile up lately. I know it isn't healthy. I know it is not fair to blame myself for what is (hopefully?) typical toddler behavior. And it's REALLY not fair to guilt myself for doing things that are necessary (and yes that includes making time for "me" time now and then). But when I'm home alone (on nights my husband is on shift) and I've spent 2+ hours trying to get an overtired toddler to sleep after a disastrous attempt to get him to eat dinner (always his worst meal of the day), and he's STILL crying and refusing to sleep and begging me to "rock rock" with him... I have a very hard time not believing that this is all my fault and I need to be a better mom.

The end.

Bullet Points

It feels like a bullet-point kind of day. I have so much I would like to write about, but my brain feels squishy. Sometimes just jotting down the random thoughts flying around my head helps clear my mind. So here goes:

• I've been thinking a lot about the differences between life with a toddler vs. an infant. I really want to do a post on this.
• Is there such a thing as a 19-month sleep regression? We've been having a super rough patch here lately, especially with going to sleep at night, and I'm frustrated and puzzled. What's causing this? And more importantly, how do we get back on track!?
• It is so amazing and fascinating to watch how language and vocabulary and comprehension develop. Nathan can understand 99.9% of what we say (or so it seems) and tries really hard to repeat things. He learns new words almost daily, but his pronunciation isn't quite there all the time. I know this is totally fine, but what's funny to me is that he still knows the correct way to say it. So for instance, he knows what a plane is and he points them out all the time and pronounces it "bee". But if we just repeat back to him "yes, it's a bee!" he gets mad and keeps repeating it until we say it correctly as "yes, it's a plane." 
• I think I'm feeling the mom guilt any time I'm away more now even than when he was younger. Now he definitely knows when I'm gone and he gets quite clingy and upset. Ironically, I am now in search of more "me" time or feeling like I need a break more often as he gets older because he is so active. I may have gotten less sleep with an infant around, but I got more things done and had more mini-breaks every day because of his nap schedule. This relates to my first bullet point...
• Home renovations suck.
• I'm starting a new fitness routine that I'm really excited about. I needed something to kick me off the weight-loss plateau I've hit in the past month. I'm also hoping it will help me with my goal of becoming (more of) a morning person. I will try to post a more detailed update on this.
• Everyone seems to be moving on to #2. So many people I know who had babies within a few months of me are now expecting again. I'm not quite sure what to do with this. It doesn't necessarily bother me because we haven't started down that path yet. I'm not on birth control but we're definitely not actively pursuing conception. And truthfully, we're not ready to right now, for many reasons. But that doesn't stop people from asking!
• Summer is slipping away. I'm sad because I don't feel like we did everything we wanted to this summer, but I don't like to spend time dwelling on regrets. And more importantly, I'm pumped about my favorite season of the year starting. Last year was fun with a baby, so I'm confident that fall will be even more wonderful this year with a toddler who likes to be involved in EVERYTHING. Pumpkins! Hay rides! Raking leaves!

That's kind of all I can think of right now. But actually, I feel a little better already having made this list. My brain still feels squishy (thank you barometric-pressure-induced headaches!) but at least I feel more organized. Now, if only traffic would clear itself up so I could get home at a reasonable hour...

Should Have Gone with My Instict

Tonight I decided to make a new recipe a friend of mine had posted for an easy, make-ahead breakfast egg thing. I had put Nathan down, but lately he's been having some bedtime issues (is there such a thing as an 18.5 month sleep regression?!), so he started in crying as I was getting started. I tried to let him work it out, but he was getting louder and more worked up, so I went in and we rocked for a few to calm him down. 

I went back to the kitchen to finish preparing the mini-quiches which are then baked in muffin pans. As I slide the pans into the oven, I briefly wondered if they were too full and/or if I should maybe set them on cookie sheets in case anything spilled over...

Meanwhile though, Nathan is crying again/still. I skip the cookie sheets, set the timer for 20 minutes, and go back to try to settle him down again. I emerge 5 minutes later and smell a bit of burning, but whatever. We made pizza the other night and some cheese probably dripped.

I go into the kitchen and start making a salad for my lunch tomorrow. I get the lettuce washed and shredded and have the water on with a handful of cherry tomatoes to rinse. The smoke detector WHICH IS RIGHT OUT SIDE NATHAN'S DOOR starts beeping madly. I look up and realize smoke has filled the room(s) to a haze near the ceiling.

I dash down the hall (tomatoes still in hand, kitchen faucet still running) with a newspaper to wave frantically at the smoke detector. It stops. I charge into my bedroom (right across the hall) and snatch our standing fan with my free hand. The plug is stuck in an outlet behind a massive hope chest. I yank the cord hard and tear it out of the wall. The smoke detector starts beeping again. I careen down the hall (bashing the fan into various walls as I go), still gripping my tomatoes.

I attempt to plug the fan one-handed into the outlet nearest the window. The cord won't stretch. The detector is still beeping. I leave the fan, grab a piece of cardboard, and gallop back down the hall (still clutching my tomatoes, faucet STILL running) and wave the cardboard frantically at the thing. It stops. I start back to the kitchen. It starts again. I swear in my head.

I try again (unsuccessfully) to jam the fan plug into an extension cord to the outlet under the cabinet, but realize in my haste to rip it out of the wall I've bent the prong thingy. I swear some more. I FINALLY set the tomatoes down (but no time to address the running faucet) and thunder back down the hall with a chair from the kitchen (nevermind that there's already a chair at the end of the hall that the cat's use to get to their food shelf). I clamber onto it and proceed to twist/yank the detector off the ceiling (I'm married to a firefighter - I'm going to have to confess this to him - he's on shift tonight), all the while thinking "IF THIS RACKET DOESN'T STOP AND THE BABY WAKES UP I SWEAR TO LUCIFER I WILL DROWN THIS EFFING PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN THE TOILET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Detector in hand (now silent) I head back to the kitchen, contemplating whether or not to bash it to pieces with a hammer just in case it tries to make some kind of disembodied beep. I finally realize the water is running and turn it off. I straighten out the plug prong and finally get it plugged into an outlet in the living room so I can turn on the fan and starting blowing the smoke out the window.

I stand completely still for 2 minutes, holding my breath, waiting for Nathan to scream. Miracle of miracles, he doesn't. I check the monitor to make sure and he is, in fact, asleep. I pick up my tomatoes and resume rinsing them so I can finish my salad.

Lesson learned: when you put something into the oven in muffin pans that you've never made before and you BRIEFLY consider if you should maybe put them on a cookie sheet in case anything spills over... DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!

The end.

A Break

Lately I've been sort of taking a break from blogging and social media (Facebook). I'm not sure why really. It wasn't really intentional. I guess I've just had so much going on lately that something had to give, and blogging or scrolling through the news feed on FB were the first to go. I have no plans for a long-term break, and in fact I have several ideas for things to write about. I just need the time and energy to actually do it!

I've been working towards my goal of becoming a morning person (as mentioned in my last post) and it's a slower process than I would like it to be. The fact is, I'm really good at convincing myself at night, but when the alarm goes off I suddenly forget all the compelling reasons I came up with to force myself out of bed... I've also been sleeping poorly lately, so that hasn't helped. I think I need to get back to see my acupuncturist. He usually straightens out my sleep patterns!

So I'm not doing as great as I'd like with the getting up early/consistently part yet, but I have made progress with getting to bed around the same time each night. I would say 5 out of 7 nights I'm in bed between 10-10:30, so that's not bad. I'm also tracking my sleep in my Fitbit so that's helping me keep track of how much sleep I'm getting. I've got a ways to go still but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day!

In other news, Nathan is talking up a storm these days and it's SO. MUCH. FUN. I love that I can have actual conversations with him! I've stopped counting how many words he knows because he literally learns 2-3 new ones every day it seems. He's said a few two-word sentences so far, and the other day he even did what sounded like a three-word.

Anyway, I do have lots to write about an update, but my pre-bed wind-down period has begun so I'd better get off the computer. The goal is to cut back on "screen" use (TV, computer, phone) for the 30-45 minutes leading up to bedtime. There's been actual research that shows too much screen time too close to bedtime interferes with brain wave and other cues. It was also a really crazy day at work and I'm not gonna lie, I'm really looking forward to crawling into bed!

Mornings

I've never been a morning person, but lately I've been thinking a lot about trying to become one. I don't mean the obnoxious, bounce-out-of-bed, full-of-energy kind. I could never be THAT person. But I do think there's something to be said for getting a head start on the day. And not only that, but mornings just might present an opportunity to grab a little peace and uninterrupted "me" time.

Things I could do if I just got myself out of bed 30-45 minutes earlier each morning:

• Drink my coffee while sitting and reading or watching a bit of the news
• Squeeze in a mini workout (a short walk or weights or stretching)
• Make and eat breakfast (that does not come in the shape of a granola bar)
• Pack my lunch for work
• Organize my day (to-do list for Paul, grocery list, dinner prep, errands to be run)
• BLOG!

Obviously I couldn't do all of these every morning, but currently I'm rarely, if ever, doing any of them in the morning. I drink my coffee while getting ready, my workout gets pushed until evening (when I'm often too tired to put much effort into it), I eat my granola bar in the car on the way to work (or buy something at work... bad for the budget), my lunch doesn't get packed (even when I have stuff on hand to pack for it), there's a hasty daily scramble to sort out what needs to be done, and my blog is often last on my priority list.

On the rare occasions when I've successfully gotten up early and been able to score some "me" time, I've really enjoyed it. I think back to when I was still getting up for an early morning nursing session, which often seemed to occur just a bit earlier than when I actually needed to be up. I always felt better, more relaxed, and more prepared for my day when I just stayed up afterwards rather than crawling back into bed and sleeping poorly for another 30 minutes or so.

And speaking of sleep, I've also been thinking more about getting back on a regular sleep schedule myself. I had one before (before pregnancy and then having a newborn threw it out the window), and now that Nathan is sleeping all night and getting up more or less around the same time each day, I think it's time I reinstated that schedule. There's been a lot of research about the impact of sleep on adults, and in particular not just about how much sleep you get but whether that sleep is always happening around the same time each night. There's a lot of evidence to suggest that going to bed and getting up at consistent times has a HUGE impact on a lot of other health factors, including weight loss.

All this to say, I have a couple of new mini-goals for the next month:

1. Implement a going-to-bed routine for me (turning off electronics and starting a wind-down period about 30 minutes before bedtime).
2. Actually GO to bed around the same time (+/- 15 minutes) each night. My target time to start with will be 10:00 p.m.
3. Make myself get up between 5-5:30 most mornings during the week. I don't always have to be up this early for work (particularly if it's a work-from-home day) but I want to aim for the same, consistent sleep interval each night. And getting up before I need to be up will allow me to accomplish some of the things I'd like to have time for in the morning.

I have some other ideas/mini-goals around this I'd like to try eventually, but for now I'll start with this and see how it goes. As for updates on my other mini-goals from last month and going forward, I'll try to write about those one morning this week when I actually get up early enough to BLOG for a bit before starting my day! :)