Some days, having a toddler makes me miss the newborn phase... the tantrums, the independence, the borderline defiance. Newborns don't do that stuff! Sure they spit up (a lot), refuse to sleep when you want them to, and sometimes cry for hours for no apparent reason. But their needs and wants are also pretty basic, they make great snuggle buddies, and you can pretty much strap them into a carrier and cart them anywhere.
Some days, I feel like a terrible mom. I'm not super creative with crafty things. I still haven't gotten my son signed up for swim lessons (something I was adamant about doing by the time he was 6 months old). I haven't put together a scrapbook commemorating the first year of his life (I barely even got prints from his last photo shoot!). Some days I'm impatient. Some days I'm too easily frustrated. Some days I'm tired and just want to sit on the couch and watch a Baby Einstein rather than get on the floor and play. Some days I catch myself glancing at my smartphone too much while he's nearby.
Some nights are hard... Random 19-month sleep regression!? Juggling sleeping arrangements while traveling - all of us in one room where no one sleeps well vs. finding a way for him to have his own space but running the risk of middle-of-the-night panic attacks when he realizes he doesn't know where he is. Trying to squeeze in a workout or a relaxing (ha!) bath one evening while Dada puts him to bed, only to listen to repeated shrieks and wailing for "Mammmaaaaaaaaaaaa!" to come back because he's going through a pretty intense "mama" phase lately.
Some days I feel scared/frustrated/overwhelmed because I don't have all the answers. Some days I force myself to laugh (because I hate crying). Some days... there really are no words. Like when your 19.5 month-old develops explosive diarrhea (stomach bug? bad food?) in the middle of your great-grandmother's funeral/memorial services weekend out-of-town and poops through every single pair of pants you packed for the 3 day trip. Or when said toddler (who seemed to be feeling better) produces a surprise explosion in the car seat on the way home (with 2 hours to go) and you find yourself on the side of the road with a naked, shivering toddler (carefully wrapped in the one clean baby blanket you have left in the car) while your husband uses the last of the wipes and tissues drenched in hand sanitizer to trip to wipe sh*t off the car seat.
But some days... my heart just melts when he runs to me and squeezes me tight with his skinny little arms. Some days I am filled with joy as I watch his little face light up in wonder at the world around. Some days his sweet voice happily singing "Mama!" calms my soul when I walk in the door after a rough day at work. Some days I want to hold him tight because he's growing too fast. Some days I watch in amazement and he demonstrates a new skill or behavior. Like when he put on his mini backpack, told me "bye-bye", blew me a kiss, sat down on his toy train, and "drove" it to "work".
Some nights he sits so calmly on my lap while we read bedtime stories, his tiny fingers absentmindedly stroking my arm, his head resting under my chin. Some nights he sweetly kisses us "night-night". Some nights his fuzzy, soft curls tickle my ear as he snuggles his head down on my shoulder to "rock rock" for a few minutes before bed. Some nights... I want to hold onto forever.
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