Another First

Nathan is 6 months old today! In many ways - I find that hard to believe. It seems like just yesterday we were driving to the hospital, late on a Sunday night, to check in for my induction. At the same time, he has grown and changed so much in those 6 months. Likewise, we have grown and changed so much as parents. Those first few weeks at home were insane. There was no schedule and every time he made a peep we were like "OMG - what do you think he wants now???" Thankfully, we all survived those early days, and things are much less chaotic now. Yes, he can still throw us for a loop every now and then (like when he's teething or having a growth spurt). But in general, he has a pretty regular schedule these days. He does things at approximately the same time each day, and in a fairly predictable order. He is a little person now. Not that he wasn't a person when he was born, but now he has so much personality. He laughs and makes all kinds of noises and smiles all the time. He interacts with us, and that is just so cool.

Sadly though, tonight is my first night away from him. In six months I have never gone longer than maybe 10-12 hours away from him, at most. I left this morning for a work trip to the Washington, D.C. area, and I will be gone until late Tuesday night. That's 2.5 days or approximately 60 hours! On top of that, Paul is on shift today, so that means neither of us is home with him tonight. It's his first, official sleepover with Gramma and Grampa (my in-laws). That is, they are sleeping over at our house with him (not the other way around). I'm sure they are all doing fine, and I know they (the grandparents) were really excited about it. But I'm still really nervous. He's still in a bit of a teething phase, so the nights can be a bit rough. I really hope he does okay for them tonight! And no, I don't really expect them to follow every last instruction I left for them to a T. But I am a little worried about his schedule - they tend to be a bit loose with things when they babysit, and it has been known to throw him off a bit... Oh well. Nothing I can really do about it. I just keep reminding myself that the important thing is that he's alive and (relatively) happy when his Daddy gets home tomorrow morning. And I'm sure they can handle that :) If he has a bad night or his schedule gets off, it won't be the end of the world. It just might make for an interesting day with Daddy tomorrow - ha!

Aside from trying not to worry too much, I'm also feeling a little sad. I miss my little guy! I was doing okay up until this evening, but now it is really hitting me that we are apart. I think the hardest thing for me is imagining what he might think. Does he miss me? Does he wonder where I am? What about when he wakes up for his early morning feeding? He has gotten lots of bottles at different time-points throughout the day, but I have always nursed him at the early morning feeding. It's our special little time together. We cuddle and rock and he nurses himself back to sleep. On weekends, if Daddy is on shift, I often nurse him in bed at that time, and then we both snuggle and snooze together. What will he think when someone comes into his room tomorrow morning and tries to give him a non-snuggly bottle? Will he be mad? Will he think I left him?

I'm aware that I'm over-analyzing this, and that in all likelihood, he will not think these things. He might be confused and he might not take the bottle well at that time of the morning (or maybe he will?), but he won't be laying there thinking "Mommy abandoned me! Mommy is never coming back!"

Sigh. I'm doing fine though, really. I'm not a basket case. I'm not sobbing or obsessively calling and texting my in-laws. And I will be even better tomorrow when Paul is home with him and we can skype after my workshop is done for the day. It won't be so bad. In the meantime, I have a hotel room all to myself and I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I have magazines (which have been piling up for months!), my relaxing piano music CD, and a lavender bath bomb that I've been saving for a time to enjoy it. For the next couple of days, I can do what I want, when I want to do it. I can eat out, read in bed, or take a dip in the hotel hot tub. I have no responsibilities (aside from the workshop). It's a weird feeling...

I'll have more to write soon. In particular, I'm planning a post all about traveling/pumping sans baby. I should have some good stories when it's all said and done!

Random Stuff

I'm mostly writing this post as a way to try to organize my thoughts, which are swirling around like crazy in my head. This week, in general, has been crazy. My to-do lists at work and at home are miles long, and I feel like every 5 minutes I remember something else to add to one of them. Meanwhile, very little is getting crossed off. Too much to do + too little time + lack of focus and organization = an extremely unproductive week. Here is what I'm currently obsessing over and/or wondering about and/or needing to research in terms of babies and parenting:

• Teeth. Nathan's first tooth finally poked through the gums a bit this past weekend (yay!) so now I'm worried about biting and what this means for nursing. I know you can nurse with teeth, and there are ways to teach babies not to bite. But I feel like (as with everything else) there is a lot of conflicting advice, and I just don't have the time or the energy to sort through it all to figure out what to do. It hasn't happened yet, but I want to be prepared for when it does.
• Sleep. Now that the first tooth is out, Nathan isn't screaming all night long anymore. But he is still all over the place with sleep in general. One night he slept straight through, without a peep, for 9 solid hours. I actually woke up to my alarm clock that next morning! Then, last night, he woke up 4-5 times just between bedtime and 1:45 a.m., and then slept until 5:30. I'm trying to gauge when he is awake because something is wrong, when he is awake because he is truly hungry (which I don't think is often), and when/for how long to let him fuss and see if he'll go back to sleep. I feel like there must be a line between "sleep training" and needing to intervene because something is wrong (hungry from not enough calories or in pain from teething or leaky diaper). I just don't know where the line is, and also, I'm tired.
• Solid food & nursing. We're doing both still, and I want to keep it up as long as possible (up to his first birthday is a "loose" goal but we'll see). We started solids a couple weeks ago when he was about 5 1/2 months. The original plan was to start at 6 months, but I'm going on a business trip next week when he will actually be 6 months, and the week after that we're on vacation. I didn't want to start in the midst of all that, and waiting until we get home from it all wasn't looking like a good option because he was clearly showing signs of being ready and needing more calories. It's actually been going really well, and I'm having fun making his food and watching him learn new tastes and textures. But we're struggling with the schedule and amounts for both food and milk. Again, there is a lot of conflicting advice out there. In general, I feel like he should still be getting the same overall volume of breastmilk every day (between bottles and nursing), even if the number of actual sessions has dropped. Also, a lot of advice says to offer milk first and then food, but if we do that, he doesn't ever really want the food. At the same time, I don't want him to get dehydrated, so I'm trying to make sure he doesn't go too long (at least during the day) between bottles or nursing. It's all just very complicated and is kind of stressing me out more than it probably should.

There's probably more, but those are the top 3 things I'm pondering at the moment. I feel a little better putting it all down in this post. I know things will work out one way or another, and I realize my stress levels are making the situation worse than it needs to be. So in light of that, I'll close on a happy note with this sneak peak from his 6-month photo shoot:

My sweet boy :)

Postpartum... Something or Other

After Nathan was born, I experienced what I would describe as a fairly mild case of the baby blues. Nothing major, just your typical stuff (from what I've read and/or heard about from friends). There were some tears, some moodiness and irritability, some irrational thoughts... "This baby hates me. He hates me and that is why he won't stop crying!" All this is pretty common while enduring the postpartum hormone storm and exhaustion that goes with caring for a newborn. And it all pretty much faded away after a few weeks.

But lately, I feel like I'm experiencing some kind of... something. I'm not really sure what to call it. Not depression. I've never really felt anything more than a transient, short-lived bout of moodiness that is often associated with lack of sleep due to a growth spurt or, more recently, a teething baby. My symptoms are more physical, I think. And they seem kind of random:

• Dizziness. Not the light-headed kind but like there is something wrong with my equilibrium. I get it a lot in the afternoons, just walking around the office. And in the car. Especially if someone else is driving. I've never been super-prone to motion sickness, so this is bizarre for me.
• Sleeplessness. I'm going to bed tired and wanting to sleep, but it takes forever to fall asleep. And then if I'm up in the night, I have a hard time going back to sleep. Nathan hasn't been sleeping well the past week or so, but even when I'm able to get him back to sleep with minimal effort, I end up tossing and turning for another hour or longer. 
• Random, middle-of-the-night changes in body temperature. I've been waking up, usually between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m., in the midst of a massive hot flash. Even with the air conditioner running and just a sheet for cover, I'm hot and uncomfortable and I can tell something is off with my core temperature. I'm certain this is making the sleeplessness worse.
• Joint pain. This is the last, and weirdest, of my symptoms. I wouldn't even think it was related it if hadn't all started about the same time. It's the worst in my knees. By the end of the day, they're so tight, and stiff, and painful that I can barely bend them to squat down. And if I do get down, I definitely can't get back up. I seriously feel like I turned 85 overnight and developed extreme arthritis or something! And this started before I started seriously working out more often, so I can't really blame it on that. Furthermore, it doesn't matter whether or not I do any physical activity for the day, or what kind I do, they are still killing me by evening. I've been icing them and smearing them with Icy Hot before bed, but it only helps temporarily. It's the strangest thing!

So there you go. I don't know what's going on. Maybe some kind of delayed, postpartum hormone shift? I haven't changed anything else. I'm on the mini-pill for birth control, but that started quite a whole ago. I haven't gotten a period. I haven't changed the frequency of nursing/pumping lately. Is there even such a thing as a massive hormone shift this long after giving birth? I know there's that hormone, relaxin, that is present during pregnancy to loosen muscles and joints and tendons. Did mine suddenly all go away and leave me stiff and sore? I have no idea.

But it's been going on long enough now. I have to do something about it. I'm off to see my acupuncturist this afternoon. I haven't been in since before I was induced, so I'm way overdue. During pregnancy, and even during the fertility treatments, acupuncture was one of the only things that helped with the crazy hormones and allowed me to sleep. I'm not sure how much it will help with my knees though, so I've also made a call to the physical therapy clinic to schedule a consultation. In addition, I talked to my uncle (a family practice physician) and confirmed that it would be okay for me to take Advil or a similar anti-inflammatory. I've been trying to avoid any drugs on my part while breastfeeding, but this is beyond tolerable. He assured me that there's very little absorption and no risk to the baby, so I'm going to do it. Nathan will be crawling in the somewhat near future - I can't be the arthritic mom who can't keep up with him!

I don't remember any of my friends talking about something like this happening. Maybe it isn't related to being postpartum? Who knows. I just need it to go away!

Oh Teeth, Where Art Thou???

This post was originally going to be titled "Adventures in Solid Food, Teething, & Cloth Diapers" but after the evening I've had, I'm not sure I'm up to all of it. I think I will save the solid-food-and-cloth-diaper stories for later...

It is 9:00 on a Saturday night and I am home, alone (Paul is on shift), with an angry, teething baby who has been up since approximately 5:00 this morning with a cumulative nap total of only about 2-2.5 hours for the day. He is currently asleep (I think) as of about 10 minutes ago after about an hour of screaming in pain. He has screamed off and on all day long, and none of the usual tricks have worked to calm him down. He doesn't want to be held/cuddled, he doesn't want his pacifier or any of his chew toys, he doesn't want his swing or his stroller, and eating only distracts him for a short while before he starts in crying and gnawing his fingers again. The drool is out of control and he's got a runny nose/watery eyes and a very low-grade fever. All rather common symptoms of teething. Oh, and we can see two of his bottom teeth very near the surface of his gums.

I knew this was coming eventually. I've heard stories from other moms. I've been warned. But I just really didn't want to be at home alone with him when it got bad. Paul has been working a lot lately - extra shifts in addition to his regular schedule. We can use the extra money, so that's great. But I'm exhausted and frustrated and kind of want to just cry with Nathan. It's just the most pitiful, painful, miserable sound he makes. It makes me want to reach in there with pliers or something and pull those suckers through for him!

But of course I can't and I won't. So instead, I've offered him every type of texture/temperature I can think of to chew on (he actually doesn't like the cold ones at all). I've tried Orajel (hasn't worked). I made a last minute run to Walgreens this evening to purchase teething tabs (a homeopathic remedy) that my best friend recommended, and actually tore open the box to give him the first dose right there in the parking lot. I've nursed him and rubbed his back and rocked him. And eventually, I had to just sit on the couch (self-medicating with Haagen Dazs salted caramel truffle ice cream) and listen while he cried himself to sleep.

Worst. Night. Ever. So far... Please, please, please let me wake up tomorrow to see a tiny little tooth poking out. Everyone says the first one is the worst, and that it gets better once it's through the gums. I just can't stand to see and hear him in such pain :(

5 Months!

Nathan is now 5 months old (as of last Friday) and changing/learning new things every day. Recent accomplishments include rolling all the way over (and over... and over) and blowing raspberries (spit bubbles). He actually rolled all the way over for the first time (successfully) about 2 weeks ago; my parents, grandma, and uncle were all here to see it, which was fun. Now that he's rolling pretty consistently, he's learned that he can use that to his advantage to get to wherever he wants to go. It's a lot of fun to watch, but does require keeping a closer eye on him! The other day I had him on his jungle mat and walked away for about 2.5 seconds to get something from the bedroom. When I walked back in, he had rolled off the mat and under the dog! Fortunately, Gibbs is extremely gentle and protective of him :)

He is back to sleeping in his crib for most of the night (yay!). We sometimes still put him in his Rock 'n Play after his early morning feeding - he falls back asleep much easier in there than in his crib. Overall though, he's sleeping more or less through the night on a pretty consistent basis. Most evenings he's in bed by 8-8:30. He's been dropping the late afternoon nap more and more lately, so I'm thinking we might be moving up his bedtime to 7:30 or so. Some nights he has what I call "false alarms" where he wakes up for whatever reason but doesn't really need anything. Sometimes he fusses quietly for a few minutes and goes back to sleep on his own - other times he needs a little help to keep from getting so worked up that he keeps himself awake. Usually his pacifier or a gentle repositioning is all it takes. Now that he's rolling, the pediatrician said it's fine for him to sleep however he wants - tummy, back or side. A lot of times he winds up on his side, snuggling with his glow worm :) Aside from the false alarm wake-ups, he usually gets up for an early morning feeding sometime between 4:30 and 6:00. He had been going back to sleep for another hour or so after that, but these past few days he's actually been sleeping in pretty late. Sunday he didn't get up until 8:20!

Feeding-wise, he eats about 6 times a day. During the work week, I nurse him at the early morning feed. He then has 3 bottles (4-5 ounces each) throughout the day at daycare or with Daddy. I usually nurse him again when I get home from work, and then he has his bedtime bottle. We are planning to start solid food soon - probably the week after 4th of July. He won't be quite 6 months yet, but he's definitely ready. He's been showing a lot of interest in our food lately. He stares at it and reaches for our plates and utensils. I also want to start the process before I go on my work trip. He'll be staying with my in-laws the first night I'm gone (when Paul is also on shift), and quite honestly, I don't trust my MIL to not give him solid food since she's been asking for the past couple of months when he can start. Also, we leave for vacation the end of July (right after my work trip), so I'd like to have at least a couple of foods established by then. I wouldn't want to be just starting solids during our vacation, so the only other option would be to wait until we get home, which is just too long. He's really curious.

In other news... I'm having a bit of writers' block. There are some things I definitely want to post about, but I just haven't found the words yet. Or the time really. But I will post again. I need to vent a little about the situation with my MIL, and this blog is one of few places where I can be completely, 100%, brutally honest about things. So stay tuned... that just might be my next post. But until then, I'll close with some recent photos since I haven't posted any in a while:

Big boy sitting in his chair!

 

Baby ewok with a killer 'stache.

Quite the little trooper at the Cancer Walk even though it was barely 50 degrees and rainy.

  

Handsome little man all dressed up for his baptism. And no, he did not wear his "mustachifier" for the actual ceremony :)

Something is always blurry in pictures because this kid is ALWAYS moving. Maybe he will be a soccer player? 

The classic "cute by mischievous" look.

Ready for summer!

The Plan

A few days ago I wrote about wanting (and needing) to lose some weight, get back in shape, and feel better about myself physically. I think the best way for me to do this is to have some accountability. I don't just mean from anyone who might be reading this (although if you are - feel free to leave me encouraging messages and/or reminders!), but from myself as well. My policy on this blog (and in real life) is 100% honesty. I've shared some difficult things here, and it has helped me to work through my emotions and reactions. I think I can use it to help me through this quest to get myself back on track as far as my physical health is concerned.

As someone who had a pretty high metabolism as a youth, and was always very active in sports growing up, I never really had to worry about weight. I was actually quite skinny, and I could more or less eat whatever I wanted. During college, I played tennis, participated in a traveling drama group, worked 2 part-time jobs, and carried a hefty course load (I was pre-med). Some people eat more when stressed, but I was the opposite. I would forget to eat. One year, I came home for Christmas break after finals, and my Nana actually asked if I had been sick (I was too skinny). I probably averaged around 115-120 pounds throughout most of college.

After college, my lifestyle changed drastically. I became much more sedentary - in part due to my job (I worked as a lab technician). I tried to work out as much as I could, but I was also struggling with situational depression that first year out of college. For the first time in my life, I used food for comfort and to manage stress. I probably gained 5-10 pounds that year. But because I had been so thin up until that point, it wasn't really a bad thing.

Fast forward to 2008-2009. It was an intense year in my life. In the span of about 12-16 months, I started grad school, bought a house, got married, lost my Nana to cancer, and changed jobs. Meanwhile, I was supporting Paul as he began a new career and dealt with his father's traumatic brain injury and subsequent recovery. Tack on another 10+ pounds, and I was hanging out around the 145-150 mark. Not terrible, but I was starting to realize that my metabolism wasn't what it used to be. I wanted to exercise more and eat healthier. And to some extent, I was successful. Paul and I love to cook together, and neither of us is terribly picky. We were also growing our own vegetables every summer, so for at least part of the year, we ate very healthily without much effort. But I was still taking graduate courses and working full time; I also commuted with a friend, so although I had a membership at the gym near my office, it wasn't always feasible to utilize it as often as I would have liked.

Then 2010 hit, and we began a nearly 3 year journey to have a baby. As any of you who've been down that road will understand, the stress and the hormones and the treatments take their toll. By the time I was actually pregnant, I was at or above 160 (depending on how you define my "pre-pregnancy" weight). I actually did manage to exercise somewhat regularly during the first 2 trimesters. And overall, I did not gain an excessive amount of weight. Nevertheless, by the time I delivered, I was closer to the 200 mark than I would like to have been (though never over it).

As I mentioned in my other post, that first chunk of weight seemed to melt off rather quickly. I even started walking (slowly) on my treadmill about 2 weeks after Nathan was born. I lost a little more during my maternity leave, but ever since going back to work I've fluctuated back and forth from about 170 to 180. My biggest hurdles have been: 1) a lingering sweet tooth that developed during pregnancy and has yet to go away, 2) fatigue/exhaustion resulting from a lack of sleep and energy, and 3) plain old laziness and lack of motivation. I also took to dressing myself "strategically" in clothes that masked my problem areas. I convinced myself that it was okay to buy a few pairs of pants in a bigger size to wear during my "transition" back to my pre-pregnancy stuff. I avoided certain tops because they weren't conducive to nursing or pumping. And for the most part, I heard only compliments when I went back to work. Everyone said I looked great, so I figured I did!

But pictures don't lie. I know I'm not extremely overweight, but I'm definitely not proud of myself when I look at pictures. In addition to to the added weight, I've lost most (if not all) of my muscle tone and definition. And the worst part? It has started to affect my energy, flexibility, and endurance. I did a couple hours of yard work the other weekend and could barely move the next day. I participated in the cancer walk and my joints were screaming. My metabolism may not be as high as it used to be, but I'm not ready to stop doing the things I love because I'm out of shape. I want to be an active mom. I want to do things with my son. I want to have energy (even if I'm not getting as much sleep as I would like) to do chores around the house and still take the dog for a walk.

So here's my plan... It's quite simple, actually. I don't have time for complicated right now, so here goes:

1. Eat better. It isn't rocket science. I know what's healthy and what's not. I need more fruits, veggies, and lean protein in my diet. I don't plan to cut out carbs or anything drastic like that, but I do need to be more mindful of not overdoing it on certain things (like Trader Joe's peanut butter cups). I don't believe in completely restricting anything - in my book that's a sure fire way to make me crave it even more and then go on a binge. But I can limit myself to just one dessert/sweet treat per day of a reasonable size. And I can focus on filling up with good fiber and super foods that offer multiple benefits. Part of my strategy to do this is to make out monthly meal plans. I did one last month for financial/budgetary reasons, and I really liked it. Not only did it allow me to stay on budget with grocery shopping, but I was able to stop and really think about what we were eating and when. I'm planning to keep this up on an on-going basis.
2. Exercise at least five times a week. I'm not going to specify what type of exercise or even the duration, because I don't want to use either of those as excuses for not doing anything. In the past I've said things like, "I don't have time for a 45 minute workout," or "Oh look, it's raining out - guess I can't go for a walk after all." I've got lots of options for walking or even running (the treadmill, the track at the park in town, our subdivision, the forest preserve), as well as plenty of DVDs (Lindsay Brin's Post-Natal Bootcamp, P90x, various and sundry pilates and yoga). The important thing is that I make some effort - any effort - to squeeze in some kind of activity at least 5 days each week. I'm not even going to specify which days because every week is different. 
3. Post about my progress. It won't be daily (maybe not even weekly). But from time to time, I'm going to weigh myself, try on my "normal" clothes, and post about where I'm at on this blog. That way, if I'm feeling discouraged, I can log back in and see how far I've come. I don't have a set-in-stone goal in mind, but I'd like to get back to around 150 or so. And there are certain clothing items (pants and dresses mostly) that I'd like to be able to wear again by this fall. 

So that's it. That's my plan and I'm really, really, going to strive to stick with it. I want to do this. I need to do this, for many reasons. It is Saturday, June 15, 2013, and today I am 179 pounds and wearing a size 10-12 pant. I did a 30 minute DVD workout this morning (cardio + toning + abs) and hope to go for a walk with Nathan later (if the weather cooperates). I had oatmeal and coffee for breakfast, and hummus-and-cheese stuffed peppers with a banana and peanut butter on the side for lunch. I'm debating about a snack right now and trying to resist the urge to devour the rest of the cake from Nathan's baptism last weekend :) Stay tuned for more updates down the road...

Pumping

I've been back to work almost 2 months now (crazy!) and there's just no sugar-coating it: pumping (particularly at work) sucks. Why does it suck? Here are a few of my observations on the topic...

1. Logistics. I work at home 2 days a week, and am in the office the other 3. Pumping at home isn't as bad, but schlepping my pump (AND tubing, AND power adapter, AND ice packs/cooler bag) back and forth every day of the week is kind of a hassle. While I'd love to have another pump to just leave at work, that expense isn't really in the cards for us right now. I do take a couple of bottles and one set of flanges/valves/membranes and leave them in my office for the week (bringing them home for a good sterilization in the dishwasher over the weekend). I also keep a stash of bags (I pump into the bottles and transfer to bags), extra membranes, my manual pump (as a back up!), and a cute tote bag to contain it all at the office all the time. But I still have to remember the daily stuff. And sometimes I forget. And then I end up pumping in my car at home with the car adapter or using the battery back-up when I forget the AC adapter at the office over a long weekend...
2. Privacy. I have been walked in on 5 (FIVE!) times at work. Twice I was pumping in my office after my office-mate had left for the day. The other 3 times I was in the actual pumping room when it happened. It isn't a fancy pumping room - just a spare office that is sometimes used for interviews. But since there are several of us currently (or in the near future) in need of a space, they've designated it a pumping room for the time being. They even let me bring in a mini bar-sized refrigerator that we had sitting in our garage so that those of us who need it can store our milk in there during the day (rather than in the nasty, stinky, community refrigerator in the kitchen next to someone's rotting chicken parmesan from a week ago). It's far from luxurious - there's an ugly desk, an uncomfortable desk chair, and no windows or air circulation with the door shut - but it's better than what some people get, so I consider myself lucky. Except when someone who has no reason whatsoever to be in there (except to use it as a "break" room to talk on their cell phone in private) barges in on me without knocking. There's even a sign on the door that politely says "Please knock." Pumping room or not, if you're in an office environment and there's a closed door that doesn't belong to you, common courtesy would be to knock, right? Apparently not.
3. Fatigue & Supply. Pumping is exhausting. When I first started back to work and was trying to build my supply, I was nursing 2-3 times in a 24-hour period (depending on that day's schedule) and pumping another 5-6 times. On weekdays when I was headed into the office, I would nurse whenever Nathan woke up to eat (usually around 4:45-5:30), get ready for work, and then pump before leaving for the day. I would pump again as soon as I got to work (I have a long-ish commute), and then every 2.5-3 hours while at work (sometimes as many as 4 times during the workday). When I got home in the evening, I would either nurse (if he was ready to eat) or pump again and then nurse later (if he wasn't ready yet). He always gets a bottle as his last feeding before bed (he's kind of fidgety about nursing when he's tired, so a bottle lets us make sure he is actually eating) so I would pump again right before I went to bed. I've never had what I would classify as an "abundant supply" of milk. It's better now than when I first went back to work, but I still have to be careful. I maintain a strict regimen of oatmeal for breakfast every single day (yes - even now that it's summer) and drink A TON of water. If I don't, my supply starts to diminish. I don't have to pump as often anymore, now that he's dropped to about 6 feedings per day (at 4-5 oz. per feeding if it's with a bottle). But I still pump an average of about 4 times a day. And I'm trying to build up a freezer stock for when I have to travel for work in July, so I still try to squeeze in an extra pumping whenever I can (especially on weekends). Pumping - for me - takes about 10-15 minutes. That doesn't include the time to assemble everything and then wash it after. On the days that I'm in the office, I literally have to schedule meetings around when I know I will need to pump. There are some days I feel like I don't get any actual work done because I'm either in a meeting, pumping, or eating/looking for food to keep my energy up so I can produce milk. Add in my commute, and I'm pretty much wiped out by the time I get home on office days. Thank goodness for my twice-per-week work-from-home arrangement - I seriously doubt I could survive going to the office 5 days in a row each week.

So... in summary... pumping sucks. And I knew this going in (my office-mate just weaned and I heard all about it from her in the months prior). But I didn't realize just now much it would suck until I was doing it. And now I get it. So, the question is, how long? How long can I keep this up? I try to leave the answer to this open-ended. Right now, I want to make it to at least 6 months (which is really only about 5 1/2 more weeks). I'm pretty sure I can do that. We'll be starting solid foods around that time, so he won't be relying 100% on breast milk for calories anymore. I'd like to think I will keep it up beyond 6 months, but I don't want to set a firm end date and then be disappointed in myself if I don't make it that long. We'll see how it goes with supply and whatnot when I'm away from him for a few days. I don't know what kind of toll travel and not nursing at all will take on my supply. It might be fine, or it might not. I'm trying to be flexible.

The thing is, as much as I dislike pumping, I'm actually really enjoying nursing right now. I wasn't sure if I would ever get to the place where I would be able to say that. Nursing was difficult for me, in the beginning. And even when it wasn't as difficult anymore, I was tired, stressed about my supply, and more than willing to pump a bottle so Paul could feed him and let me go on to bed. I was also still having to nurse multiple times overnight at that point. These days, he sleeps on average 7-9 hours before waking up to eat around the time I need to be up and getting ready for work. I nurse him and he goes back to sleep for a little while longer. He consumes about 3 bottles during the day while I'm working. I nurse him once more when I get home (or shortly thereafter) and then he has his bed-time bottle. On the weekends, we do more nursing than bottles, but still only one that I have to wake up for usually. I think the combination of not doing it around the clock and not having it be so painful has allowed me to relax more when we do nurse. Now I'm able to just sit back and enjoy the snuggle time (he's not a super snuggly baby otherwise, so I take what I can get!). I also really enjoy the occasional early morning when we get to nurse in my bed and then drift back to sleep together.

Will I be glad when I don't have to pump anymore? Yes. Will I be sad to give up nursing eventually? Yes. But I'm not ready to say when either of those will occur. So until then, I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing and we'll see what happens...