And We Are Done Weaning!

In December, I started having some issues with my supply. Nathan had become very inconsistent with his needs - some days he would go through 6 or more bottles, other days he only did 4. We were still nursing once a day (early morning) but I was at a loss with how and when to pump. I had dropped down to 2 pumps per day at work (plus one at bedtime), but it seemed like that was always either way too much or not enough. One day I would wind up putting a bag in the freezer (so as not to have a surplus in the fridge), and then a few days later I'd be thawing a bag to make sure we had enough for daycare. Between his fluctuating needs and the craziness of holidays and travel, I was having a hard time maintaining my pumping schedule. I was frustrated because I wanted to make it to one year, but I was becoming too stressed over supply and demand issues, which wasn't helping the situation.

My uncle is a family practice physician (and the first person we spoke to when we suspected there might be a problem getting pregnant), so when I saw him at my grandfather's house I asked if it was too soon to start transitioning to whole (cow's) milk. I know they say generally 12 months is the time to do that, but we were literally less than a month from his birthday. I just really didn't want to re-introduce formula (he had gotten some in the early days when we had to supplement to get his weight up) and then immediately switch to whole milk a few weeks later. Uncle K said it was perfectly fine to start the switch, and we could do it as slowly as needed to let his system adjust. Nathan had been getting a lot of dairy in his diet already (yogurt, cheese) so we weren't terribly worried.

I was relieved to know that the pressure was off and I could start scaling back a bit while we transitioned. Right around New Year's I dropped down to 2 pumps per day (depending on when he nursed in the early morning, I tried to pump approximately 8 and 16 hours later). We started mixing whole milk in at a ratio of 80-90% breast milk to 10-20% whole milk. The following week we upped the whole milk portion to 20-40% and I dropped down to 1 pump per day (plus 1 nursing session still). The week after that, we switched to about 1/3 breast milk and 2/3 whole milk. That was also the week that we completely weaned off the early morning nursing.

Ever since he was about 10 months, I've suspected that he wasn't waking up to nurse because of hunger, so much as habit (and obviously for emotional comfort and bonding). He wasn't eating much and there were some days he skipped it entirely. I kept it up though because, a) it had become our only nursing session of the day, b) I knew that comfort and bonding was important, especially on days when I wasn't going to see him as much, and c) the early morning time-frame coincided well with when I needed to get up and get ready for work during the week, so it didn't really interfere with my sleep much. To confirm my suspicion that he wasn't truly hungry, I paid attention to see how long he was nursing on each side (he was doing about 7 minutes on one and 5 on the other). At the same time we were introducing whole milk and I was starting to drop pumping sessions, I began reducing the time that he nursed in the morning. Every few days I would reduce by another minute or so. He was still going back to bed smoothly and sleeping until his regular time; furthermore, his daytime intake was still averaging about the same (that is, he wasn't waking up suddenly ravenous and drinking 2x the amount before his morning nap).

Once we were down to nursing just 3-4 minutes total, I felt it was time to try stopping entirely. The sentimental side of me would have liked to continue at least until his actual birthday, but the practical side of me won out. I had done my research and knew that to increase our chances of success, I could not be the one going in to calm him down if and when he continued to wake up at that time. At least until I was completely dried up and no longer smelling like milk... Unfortunately, since Paul works 24-hour shifts, we needed to schedule this final step of the weaning process for a time that there would be someone else in the house with me on the days he was gone. My mom flew back for a week around Nathan's party, so that was our ideal window of opportunity. Furthermore, Paul and I had a weekend trip planned shortly after his birthday. Nathan was going to spend that weekend with my in-laws, so we really wanted to have his new routine sorted out by then.

I nursed him for the last time in the early morning hours on January 15th. It was dark and quiet, and I tried to soak in those special moments one last time as I reflected back over the previous weeks and months. Breastfeeding was rough for me in the beginning. Even after I had overcome the physical pain and challenges, it was still a while before I started to experience that elusive bond during the actual act of nursing. It was even longer before I started to fully enjoy the experience. I stuck with it because I was stubborn and I wanted to make it work. As I nursed my son for the last time that morning, I realized I had come full circle. I was ready to be done. I was more than ready to be done pumping. But I was also sad that a chapter was closing, not only in my relationship with Nathan but in my life as a mom. Nathan and I will go on to start new chapters together, but the reality is I may  never nurse a baby in my arms again. That morning, Nathan pulled away on his own after just a few minutes. I did not have to break the seal for him. It was almost as if he knew and was telling me, by his actions, that it was okay. It was time.

I continued to pump for a few more days (every 12 hours or so, and then every 24 hours). I had until the 23rd before I would be the only one on duty at night if he woke up, so I planned to pump for the last time on the 20th. From talking to friends and co-workers, I knew to expect a day or so of discomfort after I stopped completely. This ended up not being the case for me (see next post entitled "The Physical Pain of Weaning: My Experience & Lessons Learned"), but I did stop and now, one week later, am finally 100% dried up (as near as I can tell).

Meanwhile, we continued to work on helping Nathan through the final stages of weaning:

• The first morning he woke up right on schedule (around 5:00 a.m.) and initially we let him fuss for a bit to see if he would go back to sleep on his own. He did, but then woke up again around 6:00 a.m. and needed some snuggles from Daddy to settle back down. Not terrible. 
• The second morning, he must have sensed something was up and refused to either go to sleep on his own or accept snuggles from Daddy. At that point, Paul went ahead and offered him a small (3 ounces) bottle, of which he only took a few sips. He then proceeded to go through several cycles of crying and dozing, which lasted for about 45 minutes before he finally went back to sleep until his regular wake-up time. It was difficult for me to listen to, especially since he was doing the "maaammmmaaaaaaaaaa" cry; but I stayed strong, knowing that I couldn't intervene if we wanted this to be successful. Paul was very supportive, which helped. 
• The third morning Nathan woke up even earlier than usual (before 4:00 a.m.), and since Paul was on shift, my mom had to help. Nathan was not interested in snuggling or rocking with her at all, so she offered him a bottle, of which he drank about 2/3. I was worried this might be a setback, but my mom encouraged me to be patient. 
• The fourth morning he fussed a bit around 5:30 and went back to sleep on his own until almost 8:00! 
• The fifth morning, he needed the bottle again, but Paul had only put about 2 ounces in it and he didn't even drink the whole thing. 
• The sixth morning, he fussed around 6:45 but kept sleeping until 8:15.
• The seventh morning he slept straight through until 7:45! 
• The eighth morning (last Thursday) was the first one after my mom had left that it was just me and Nathan. I was in a rough spot with my own weaning process, so things got a little hairy. He woke up right after Paul left to start his shift; I tried to see if he would fuss himself back to sleep, but he got louder and louder until I had to get up and intervene. I couldn't snuggle him very well due to my pain (see next post), so I ended up having to given him a small bottle. He drank all 2 ounces and then started fussing as soon as I laid him down. I was extremely uncomfortable and didn't know if or how soon he would go back to sleep, so I gave up on going back to bed and just stayed up. 
• The next morning (Friday), he woke just as my alarm was going off to get up. I tried to snuggle and rock him and he got quiet, but the second I laid him down he began screaming. I fetched a small bottle again, but this time he refused the bottle. I rocked him some more and then put him down, and once again, he resumed screaming. At that point, there wasn't much I could do. He didn't want the bottle so he wasn't truly hungry, but I had to get ready for work so I couldn't keep holding him. And it was WAY too early for him to just get up and stay up. He cried for about 20 minutes before finally going back to sleep. It was rough because I was by myself and I was leaving for the weekend after work, so wouldn't see him again until Sunday. I was also worried about how he would do for my in-laws while we were gone...

Apparently I shouldn't have worried. Friday night he slept straight through (12 hours) with barely a peep, and Saturday was mostly the same (more like 9 hours though because they put him to be SUPER late Saturday night... that's a topic for another post). He's continued this pattern the past 2 nights, so I'm hopeful that it is starting to become permanent (you know, until the next round of teething or sickness hits - ha!).

All in all, the weaning process was a lengthy one, but I feel good about it (for the most part). Nathan has adjusted very well. At this point, we're just using up the supply of breastmilk that I had in the freezer. He gets about an ounce of that in each bottle, and the rest is whole milk. One frozen bag lasts about a day, so if my calculations are right, he'll be switching to 100% whole milk in about a week and a half. His only issue thus far has been his poop. It's definitely changed the consistency and color, which wouldn't be an issue except that it's also irritated his skin some. It seems that with each change in the ratio, it takes about a week for his system to adjust and get used to the format. I'm sure the fact that it's winter isn't helping, what with the multiple layers and dry air. For that reason, I'm glad we've made the transition a slow one. I think he will be fine when we make the final switch, now that he's had time to get used to it all. I'm also glad we didn't try to do another transition (from breastmilk to formula) first.

Transition seems to be a way of life right now. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and may have to write a post on all the other transitions going on in our lives...