Breastfeeding...

I read the books, I went to the class, I've gotten lots of advice from well-meaning friends and relatives who have prior experience... But until you actually start breastfeeding, it's hard to know what will and will not work for you and your baby. And even then, things can change. I'm learning that much like labor and delivery, the best way to approach breastfeeding is to be as open-minded and flexible as possible. At least, that's what I'm trying to teach myself...

Yesterday was kind of a meltdown day for me. We took Nathan in for a follow-up weight check at the pediatrician's. His first appointment was when he was 5 days old and he weighed the same then as when he had been discharged from the hospital: 6 lbs 12 oz. He had about a 7% weight loss from birth, which was still considered to be within the "normal" range. They weren't worried that he hadn't regained his birth weight yet, but they wanted us to bring him back a week later for a re-check. Both Paul and I were convinced he was gaining. I swear his cheeks look chubbier! But when we got him on the scale yesterday, he had only gained 1 oz :(

This is by no means cause for major alarm, however the pediatrician did come in to see him and wants us to start supplementing with formula to make sure he is getting enough to eat. I'm having a hard time not feeling like a failure because of this. I really had thought that things were going pretty well. I realize I'm still in a hyper-emotional hormone-charged state, so I'm trying not to let my mind run away with stories of how I'm starving my son and how my body is once again failing me (and now him). But watching Paul give him that first bottle of formula, and watching him appear to guzzle it like he hadn't eaten in hours... I broke down in the first truly ugly cry I've had since he was born.

Today I'm doing a little better. I'm trying to focus on more logical thoughts. Yes, he needs to start gaining more weight. No, it isn't my "fault" that he isn't back to his birth weight yet - there could be a number of factors contributing to this. Yes, I've had some setbacks with breastfeeding (i.e. a cracked nipple that became too painful to nurse with) that may have temporarily impacted my supply so far. Nevertheless, I'm doing the best that I can and I'm slowly overcoming these issues. No, I'm not starving my son. Yes, we might need to add in some formula for a bit here and there. But there is nothing wrong with this - formula is not evil and having to supplement with it does not make me a failure. At the end of the day, I need to do what is best for my son. And I need to foster my own intuition about what is right and learn to trust my gut. I won't be able to do that if I'm wallowing in disappointment with myself.

In the past 13 days, I have nursed Nathan an average of 10 times a day, which comes out to approximately 130 feedings in his short life thus far. He averages 8-10 wet and 2-4 poopy diapers a day, which is well within normal expectations. He has his fussy moments but is not, in general, a fussy baby. He sleeps surprisingly well most nights, and is alert and content most of the day. Obviously, I'm doing something right. And compared to just a couple of weeks ago, I know way more than I did! The important thing is that I'm not giving up. I will continue to do this and it will get easier. I know this.