I'm Totally Obsessed With...

My Fitbit.

Yes, I know. I'm kind of late to the party on this. They've been around how long? I won't lie - up until about 6 months ago I had no idea what it was. I had maybe kinda sorta heard of it and knew generally what it did, but I never paid any attention.

And then I started on this whole goal-setting venture, which includes weight loss and living a more active lifestyle. So I got the MFP app to start tracking calories. And I started trying to find more ways to introduce "activity" into my days. After all, I work a desk-type job and spend at least 2 hours a day commuting 3 days a week. So I'd squeeze in a workout DVD here or a walk there. And the number on the scale started to (slowly) decrease. Suddenly my post-pregnancy clothes were fitting a bit loosely, so I dug out some pre-pregnancy stuff and some of it actually fit! And then more of it started to fit... And the number on the scale kept on creeping downward. Then I was tricked into wound up registering for a 5K with my best friend B and had to actually commit to training for it (I hate running). But somehow, I did the training and we ran the 5K (in 32 minutes) and I realized I didn't hate the pictures I posted of us on FB.

And then I got a Fitbit for my birthday. Well actually, I asked for one (several times) and eventually my hubby got the "hint" and ordered me one :) I had done my research and talked with several people who have one (or some similar device) and I was curious. I know what a good workout feels like, but I was having a hard time gauging my daily activity level. I also wasn't sure how much that varied depending on whether it was a work-from-home vs. commute-to-the-city day vs. the weekend.

I've been using it for just over a week now and I'm totally hooked. The competitor in me is eager to hit my goals for the day (the more goals I hit the better). I love the feedback it gives (now I know better what it feels like when I'm hitting the "very active" zone). It's also given me the extra push I need to make just a little more effort each day to be slightly more active (for instance, I'm now taking the stars in my parking garage at work). And even more importantly, it's so easy to use! I'm surprised actually. I'm not the most techy person, but I managed to get it set up and synced with both my home laptop AND my smartphone (including my MFP app). And lastly, the sleep tracking feature on it is pretty fun. I think sleep studies are fascinating and I like seeing what my "pattern" looks like each night. I also think I need to start using the sleep log part of it to get myself back on track with going to bed and getting up at a consistent time (you know, now that I'm done with middle-of-the-night nursing and other infant-related sleep issues!).

Anyway, I didn't exactly mean for this to sound like a commercial for Fitbit, but I really just had to share how much I'm loving it. I hope to see more positive results the longer I use it, so stay tuned...

For now, I will close with this:

Chasing this crazy kiddo around is a surefire way to make me hit my steps goal for the day! He never steps moving - I wonder how many steps he takes in a day? 



Summer Time

I realized that my last few posts have been kind of negative (sad, angry, stressed, etc). I'm working on a new Happy List post, but having issues with getting my photos onto the appropriate devices in order to make it happen, so that's a few days off still.

In the meantime, I'm feeling really excited about summer and all the fun opportunities to be outside. I love experiencing things through Nathan's eyes and watching him interact with new situations. He is turning into quite the little fish... he loves any sort of water-related activity. He has a water table and kiddie pool, both of which continue to get lots of use with the warmer weather. He's also happy to just play with a hose or sprinkler. There is a splash pad at the zoo where we are members, and he had a ball running around there the last time we went. There's also a couple of small water park options near our house (one of which is specifically geared towards younger children) so we're planning to take full advantage of those this year (especially while he's under 2 and still FREE admission). I was a pool-rat and swam competitively as a kid, so I'm loving watching him develop a love of the water as well.

Aside from water activities, we're really trying to get out and about and be more active as a family. There are plenty of areas for hiking in our area. In addition, Paul cleaned up his bike and we got a free kiddie cart from a friend so now he and Nathan can go for rides whenever they want. I'm sort of toying with the idea of training for a mini-triathlon, but I just found out about it and the date is only a month away. Not sure if I can manage that! There's also a stroller-5K in September, which I think would be fun to do as a family. Again, I hate running. But if the focus of the race is less on times and competition and more about fun and quality time, then I can probably make myself run :)

We're also starting to work with a new dog trainer (or "canine behaviorist" as she calls herself) to help get our lab in shape for more public, family outings. He's a great dog and loves everyone, but he needs some work on how to behave better when there are lots of people/other dogs around (right now he gets over-stimulated and it becomes stressful for everyone involved). We had our first session with her last night, and so far it's going really well. I'm hopeful that once we get him behaving better we can bring him along for more adventures. He hates the cold and snow, so summer time is definitely the time to take advantage of that.

And lastly, there's the garden. I finally have everything planted and some of it has sprouted too. My tomato plants have tiny green tomatoes growing, so that's fun. It was a really late start to the season, but now that it's on track I'm ready for some garden food! I can't wait to show Nathan the plants and see him try things fresh from the garden as they ripen.

Whatever else is going on in my life right now, summer is HERE and I'm determined to enjoy it while it lasts!

Feeling Kinda Blue...

My parents just left this morning after a week-long visit. It's the first time my dad has been back since Christmas, and Nathan won't see him again until we go to their house in October. He will see my mom again before then, but not until September (up until now she's been back every 4-6 weeks). It really kind of kills me that my parents live so far away. I grew up with both sets of grandparents in a 15-mile radius, and I just never envisioned my own kid(s) not having the same set-up. I haven't lived in the same state as my parents since I was 18, but I've always been super independent so it never really bothered me. Now that I have a son though... it does.

Don't get me wrong - we're still very lucky to have the other set of grandparents 5 minutes down the road from us. Even though they sometimes get on my nerves, they're crazy about Nathan and help us out a lot with him. But it also makes me sad to see him go running to my FIL, arms outstretched, yelling "Ga-ga" when he's around, and knowing he doesn't react the same way to my own dad who he sees in person maybe 4 times a year. And yes, there's Skype, which is great and all. But at this age, he's too young to really have a long-distance "relationship" with my dad (his Papa) like his nearby relationship with my FIL.

I am glad that my mom has been able to come back as much as she has (she doesn't work outside the home currently), but I know it kills her too that she's several states away and can't just drop everything to run over and help when we're in need of it. September isn't THAT far away, but at the rate Nathan is growing and changing, he's going to be so different by the time she's back. I know that makes her sad to know she's missing things.

I don't mean for this to be a depressing post. It's just that we had a house-full of guests yesterday (my in-laws, my parents, my grandfather and a cousin from my dad's side of the family, plus my friend B, her family and boyfriend/his kids) and now there's no one. The house is quiet. Nathan is at daycare (I should be working...), Paul is at work, and my parents left about an hour ago. I usually love these days when I'm home alone for a few hours (I work from home a couple of times a week), but today it just feels lonely. Today I'm just feeling a little blue...

I Wore a Bikini to the Beach... And I Ran a 5K

Just to clarify, I did not wear a bikini while running a 5K on the beach... those were two separate events. I just am really proud/happy of both recent accomplishments and I couldn't come up with a better title for this post!

So where to start? Life has been out-of-control crazy the past couple of months. I've managed a quick post here and there, but haven't really had the time or energy to go into detail. I don't really like to dwell on negative things, so I won't get into all the nitty-gritty right now. But here are the highlights (or maybe they would be low-lights?):

• We have to do some sort of home renovations this summer because we have to replace our roof (this is not optional - we cannot put it off any longer). The roof project is also tied to a couple of other things that are on either the "needs to be done" or "would really, really like to be done" list, so the whole thing is kind of snow-balling. Unfortunately, we have to take out a loan to do this because it wasn't supposed to be in our budget for another couple of years. Fine, whatever. The bad news is that no one is doing new construction loans anymore - the financial crisis sort of made those all disappear. And we won't be able to get a personal loan large enough to cover the cost of the whole project. So now we're caught between a rock and a hard place, so I'm not really sure what is going to happen. I knew the renovations would be stressful (we've been through this on a smaller scale already), but they haven't event started and we're already stressed out.
• Paul's grandmother on his dad's side passed away rather suddenly a couple of weeks ago. She was in her 90's and not in super great health, but it was still unexpected. His dad's family is not very close-knit and I've never understood their family dynamics. They're just not warm people. They did have a very small, private service (family only) at the cemetery where her remains (she was cremated) were buried. In spite of the awkward emotions, it was a tough thing for my husband. He now has no biological grandparents left (the people he calls "Grandma" and "Grandpa" on his mom's side are actually his aunt and her husband). He also didn't get to see his grandma or say goodbye, so I know that weighs heavily on him.
• Nathan was sick for practically the entire month of May, resulting in a lot of sleepless nights, juggling of childcare arrangements, and frustration. He started out with what seemed like just a cold (snot, sneezing, congestion) and wound up with me sitting in a convenient care clinic the Friday before Memorial Day weekend waiting for x-ray results to hopefully rule out pneumonia. The x-ray was negative (thankfully) but he did have some bronchiolitis (inflammation of his airways) which explained the violent and persistent cough he had developed. As a result, we started him on a short course of oral steroids and breathing treatments with a nebulizer; there was also a minor ear infection, but the doctor and I decided to hold off on treating that (it was really very minor and I'm pretty cautious about over-use of antibiotics). Now two weeks later, the ear infection seems to have resolved just fine on its own, he is done with the steroids, and we are trying to wean off the breathing treatments. If you've never tried to treat a toddler with a nebulizer... I do NOT recommend it. Thank goodness for Baby Einstein videos...
• Paul got into a minor fender bender a week ago. No one was hurt and the damage to his truck is minor and he can fix it himself. Unfortunately, this will impact our auto insurance rates which had just finally gone back down from another accident about 3 years ago. UGH.

With all the above in addition to the usual stress of learning a new job, being a parent of a toddler, keeping up with house chores and other adult responsibilities, and trying to find time for our marriage (not to mention time for me alone)... I definitely haven't been keeping up with my mini-goals. In fact, I never even got around to reviewing them last month and setting new ones. Fail. But I do still think it's important and I would really like to give it another shot this month.

The mini-goals I set in April seemed pretty reasonable at the time, but then life interfered in ways I couldn't have predicted or prevented. Priorities and expectations had to shift. But that's the great thing about mini-goals, right? Sometimes you have to take a step back, re-evaluate, and redirect if needed. Previously I tried to be very specific about certain goals, but what I've learned so far is that this is more about changing behaviors and creating new habits. It's fine to be specific in order to give examples, but I actually do better with more general goals that can be accomplished a variety of ways. So here's where I'm headed (hopefully) in the next 30 days:

1. Fitness. Previous fitness goals were about working out a set number of days per week. This was fine to get started, but the overall goal I'm working towards here is living a more active lifestyle. I found myself getting frustrated on the weekends when household chores, time with Nathan, and the rare (but necessary!) social engagements seemed to always complete with working out. As a result, I was forcing myself to squeeze all 5 workouts into the work week, which is not a sustainable habit for me. My new fitness goal is much looser: for the next 30 days, I want to achieve a more active lifestyle. I am getting a FitBit as a birthday present, so I will be better able to monitor my activity level and can hopefully give myself a break on those days when I choose chasing a toddler around or doing yard work over a "legitimate" workout :) I will continue to squeeze in workouts when I can, but I'm not going to stress about it. I would like to do 1-2 strength-based workouts a week, and I would like to do some cardio 3-4 days a week, but I'm not going to beat myself up if it doesn't always happen. I've made progress and I know this. I wore a freaking bikini to the beach on my vacation, which is not something I would have done even a few months ago. I also trained for and ran a 5K (this morning actually), which isn't something I particularly enjoyed (I hate running) but again, I wouldn't have been able to do that just a few months ago. I may not be at my goal weight yet, but I'm down 2 clothing sizes and I'm more toned than I've been in a long time. I can do this.
2. Healthy eating. I had 3 goals in this area last time and the only one I achieved was the detox. Oops. The MFP tracking has been hit or miss and I'm starting to think it's time to adjust how I use it. I've learned a lot about portion control and that, for me, is the key issue/behavior that needed to change. I also know that I need some balance in this area - I don't want it to become an obsession. I think the best thing for me to do going forward is to use MFP as a guide to get my day off on the right foot (e.g. track my intake for breakfast, lunch, snacks, and cardio) but not necessarily obsess over entering every recipe I make for dinner so I can accurately measure out amounts. Likewise if I'm somewhere that tracking isn't really feasible (like a birthday BBQ or a church event), I won't stress about it. I'll just trust that my instincts have improved and I'm able to choose reasonable portions. I do, however, intend to get back on the bandwagon with meal planning and prep. This is important not just from a physical health perspective, but from a time management and financial perspective as well.
3. Education and Organization. I'm putting both of these on hold temporarily. I will reinstate these mini-goals eventually, but neither is very realistic for the present. Rather than set more mini-goals and fail to achieve them (again), I'm going to just pause and we'll get back to these once we have the home renovations sorted out and once my new job settles down a bit ;)
4. Finances. Well this is all kind of a mess, thanks to the loan problems. We have been working on the renovation budget and estimates, so technically I did meet those goals. Unfortunately, since so much of that is out of my control, I'm going to have to readjust for the next 30 days. I'm actually going to reinstate some mini-goals from a previous month, including: 1) eat out a maximum of 3 times, 2) set aside cash for weekly expenses, and 3) reconfigure how our paychecks are split for direct deposit into various checking and savings accounts. Paul and I both got raises recently, so I need to evaluate what is coming in, when, and where it all goes.

So that's it for now - that is what I'm going to shoot for over the next 30 days. I just returned from vacation (will do another post about that) and I'm feeling more or less refreshed and ready to get back on track! 

T-Minus 48 Hours Until Vacation!

The past several weeks have been so incredibly stressful... But 48 hours from now we will be on the road headed south for a week of vacation, just our little family. I am so excited. And I need this break so much. I just need to get through these next 48 hours...

Until then, I have this picture to keep my spirits up :)

Happy Mother's Day

Two year's ago on Mother's Day, we announced to our parents that I was pregnant. It was not the carefully-planned, cleverly-executed, overly-joyful announcement I had once dreamed of doing. In fact, I was terrified and wanted nothing more than to keep it a secret. Unfortunately, all of our parents had been involved, in one way or another, with helping us through IVF, and all were anxiously awaiting the outcome of our fresh-cycle transfer. My first positive beta had been the Monday before. After results of my second beta confirmed that we were headed in the right direction, I waited one more day (and took an additional at-home pee-stick test) before putting the "Happy Mother's Day Nana" card in the mail to my mom. We told my in-laws at dinner that Sunday. I was 4 weeks along and scared out of my mind that it wouldn't last.

Last year I celebrated my first Mother's Day as an actual mom. It was a surreal experience, and I couldn't quite shake the feeling of guilt. Somehow it just didn't feel quite right to suddenly be "celebrating" a day that I'd spent so many years dreading. Not when I knew the truth about the pain of infertility.

This year was no different. I felt awkward and kind of silly. My husband was on shift and my own mom lives several states away. There was no big family dinner. There were no flowers (we've had such a stressful few weeks that I honestly think Paul forgot until it was too late), but I did find cards waiting for me by the coffee-maker this morning. Nathan was shooting green snot everywhere and headed for a massive mid-morning meltdown, so I opted to skip church (kind of a relief - I'm not a fan of Mother's Day sermons, in general) and I put away clean clothes and dishes while he napped. We went to a nearby children's museum/park with my MIL for the afternoon. She bought the Subway sandwiches that we took for our picnic and I paid for our tickets into the park. The ticket agent gave us each a pink carnation. We ate in the park and then spent a couple of hours chasing Nathan around. It was a nice day and there was lots for him to see and do (carousel and pony rides, a train, petting zoo, slides, etc). I enjoyed spending the day with my son, and I was happy to share it in part with my MIL. But it could have been any other day as far as I was concerned. I struggled to feel the "spirit" of Mother's Day.

This evening I was reflecting on why that was. I read back over a text conversation I had this morning with my good friend AJ, and I realized she had hit the nail on the head. Once you've experienced the pain of Mother's Day (for whatever reason), you can never forget. Mother's Day can be difficult for a variety of reasons, but having experienced your own difficulty with it, you become acutely aware of all the other reasons people may be struggling on that day. As I scrolled through my FB newsfeed, I mentally checked off the names of people I knew who might be struggling. Some I saw still posted something generic or even upbeat - but reading between the lines I could practically feel the pain. Others who are frequent post-ers were mysteriously absent from the FB world today. I wanted to write something, and I wondered how to say what I felt in my heart.

In the end, here is what I wrote as my Mother's Day FB message to the world:

"Mother's Day will always be a bit of a mixed bag for me. While I've been blessed to know several amazing mothers in my life (including my own!), there was a time when I dreaded this day and the reminder it brought that I wasn't part of the "club" that I so badly wanted to join. As a good friend recently articulated, it's hard not to think about those who aren't moms (and want to be), those who have lost children, those whose moms are gone or are not well, and those who are estranged from their moms. To anyone for whom today was painful, I'm sorry. Please know that you aren't alone, and I hope and pray that time and/or circumstances bring you peace."

Within seconds of my post, the little red notifications flag lit up. Some of the "likes" were from people I expected. What got to me were the ones from long-lost friends and vague acquaintances who I barely know in real life - people who don't normally respond to anything that I post, but who were clearly affected by what I wrote tonight. My cell phone chirped - a text from a co-worker who is struggling to raise her daughter in a city that is miles away from any family and who is barely on speaking terms with her own mom. She thanked me for my post, said it was a reminder she needed today. Several "likes" from people I either know or suspect have been through infertility struggles, many of whom suffered miscarriages. More "likes" from friends whose mothers are in heaven. Even a couple from friends whose children are now in heaven. A private message from someone I went to high school with who just wanted to thank me for thinking about the "other" mothers out there on a day that really sucks for them (I suspect she is in the throes of IF and may have even miscarried). Comments and more "likes" from people I know who have broken or even non-existent relationships with their mothers. 

I honestly didn't expect such a response. I thought perhaps my post might reach a couple of people - close friends with whom I've had these conversations in real life. But as the tears rolled down my cheeks and the notifications rolled in, I realized just how many people may have needed this reassurance today. I don't know most of who reads my blog and I don't necessarily write to reach an audience, but if you're reading this and you are one of those for whom Mother's Day sucks, I hope this message helps you even a tiny bit.

Overwhelmed

In the past couple of months I have:

• Dealt with family drama in the face of the very real possibility that my Grandma might not be around much longer.
• Transitioned into a new exciting-but-stressful job (same office, same boss, new salary, and a whole new set of expectations and responsibilities).
• Begun the early stages of some major house renovations that we hope to complete over the summer (and run into several hurdles already).
• Barely seen my husband who is in the midst of back-to-back-to-back continuing education classes on top of his full-time job.
• Struggled to keep up with chores and routine stuff around the house.
• Struggled to feel like a good mom when I'm stressed and running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
• Become increasingly frustrated with my MIL and her behavior (this deserves an entirely separate post).

I am overwhelmed. And exhausted. And  super-stressed.

I know this too shall pass. I know this is not a permanent state of affairs. I know I really don't have any right to complain when there are so many people dealing with so much more.

But right now, I just needed to vent. And acknowledge all that is going on. And understand why it is that I'm tossing and turning at night, unable to sleep, my mind racing in a thousand directions.

That is all. For now.